Almost two years and still stuck in limbo

[PatientMan]

Ok I didn't confront W about her extra stop before coming home it actually stopped for the last 3 days so I'm dropping that for now.

So if she starts the behavior back up, what will you do?

What do you stand to gain from confronting her about it?

If you "know" and she "denies" then all you've done is stir a really messy pot. Either the behavior is acceptable to you or it isn't. Decide and then act. Leave words out of it.

-PM

[newman7977]

Thanks for your insights PM.

I'll give it some thoughts. My original plan was to confront her in a way she can't deny it. I was going to be at that same spot where she stops and find out exactly what's going on.

At this point in my sitch, I'm ready to file for D if her interactions with OM is still going. I just need that confirmation so that I can close the door without any regrets. And yes this behavior is no longer acceptable to me.

Newman

[newman7977]

Hi all:

I thought of a little update on my sitch. So after contemplating going dark I realized I can't go dark because of the kids and we're still living in the same roof. I did changed things up a bit though, I'm not initiating contact at all, kept reminding myself not to let W bother me with her actions.

Sometimes though my resentments take over and that I feel I get too cold, so I'm trying to find a balance. I don't want to be rude to W. Anyway, looks like its going to be like this until she decided to move out because I won't--I still feel the same I don't want my kids to feel that I moved out and abandoned them. Right now I do feel strong enough that I don't think it will affect me much if W files for D. Actually, a lot of times I feel like I'd rather have closure. That's where my feelings are at right now.

I continue to focus with kids, last week I spent 3 days with them and visited my sister for spring break, W didn't go. I had a great time with the kids, I'm really used to this now, going out with my kids without the W, this is a big 180 for me and it feels good because this is for me and my kids.

Last weekend my in laws had a gathering I didn't go. W was surprised I didn't go. If I would've went that would be the same of the old thing. Plus I didn't want to pretend anymore that everything is still ok with us for her family. This coming weekend is Easter and my inlaws will have a big gathering...I'm torn on this one I feel like not going but feels bad for my kids, I don't want them to worry but then again this is reality. Ahhh tough call I've got to think about this one.

Newman

[SemperFi00]

Newman, just caught up on your situation and see lots of similarities. Not an expert but sounds like you doing well with DB.

Hoping to learn from following your sitch. How do you explain to your kids when you take trips w/o W? I can see something like that playing out over spring break and not quite sure how to handle it.

Thanks.

[in_it]

Newman-stay strong. An in house seperation is something I've pondered many of times.

Your W having to let her family in on what she has been doing just may be what she needs. Once my Hs family confronted him he changed a bit.

[newman7977]

Newman, just caught up on your situation and see lots of similarities. Not an expert but sounds like you doing well with DB.

Hoping to learn from following your sitch. How do you explain to your kids when you take trips w/o W? I can see something like that playing out over spring break and not quite sure how to handle it.

Thanks.

SemperFi, thanks for taking the time to read my sitch. As much as I read here I don't know how I missed your thread. I'll check it out one of these days.

Regarding the kids, yes we had a talk with them early on my sitch. Because I proposed to W that I wanted a trial separation and I didn't want the kids to wonder why and blame themselves. W and I basically said that Mom and Dad are having some problems and that we needed some space so that our relationship will get better and we assured them that W and I both love them very much no matter what happen.

It was the most heartbreaking thing I've ever experience in my life. D18 cried and I felt her pain but she understood. S13 was more reserve and we were worried that he was keeping his emotions inside. I made sure since then that I'm always there for him and take him to sports, ask him how he's feeling, and helping him with school work. I didn't want him to feel neglected. In fact, this sitch brought me a lot closer to my kids. I truly believe that I'm a better dad.

But approx 2 days before the separation, W and I talked and put the separation on hold. Couldn't do it, to see my kids' sad faces. It's been on hold up to now.

So my kids know the sitch, and since then there were weekends where I took them out, but most weekends we went together just like before, like a happy family. But since then also we have not bring up the sitch. I'm not sure if they think W & I have worked things out. Sometimes, I do feel like we need to have that talk again, but holding on to spare their feelings.

SemperFi, I'm not sure if this is what you need to do with your kids. You know your kids the most and know what to tell them so they would feel secure. But yes they will start wondering why mom and dad are taking turns taking them out on weekends so at some point you need to address it to them. Btw, I didn't tell them the details of our problems. Good luck to you SemperFi.

Newman-stay strong. An in house seperation is something I've pondered many of times.

Your W having to let her family in on what she has been doing just may be what she needs. Once my Hs family confronted him he changed a bit.

in_it, thanks for checking in. In house separation is what she wanted. She's following the WAS script. Yes sometimes I wonder what would happen if all family and her siblings find out that we're on the verge of D. Only SIL knows the details. My gut tells me that she's still in contact with OM and that's why she can not commit to our M although I don't have any proof. That and I really think that she's very comfortable with our arrangement. I believe that the WAS has to feel some kind of loss, and in our relationship so far I don't think she has felt any type of loss. So How long I can live like this? who knows, but I know I can't let my kids think I left them.

Also, her family is very critical, so in a way I'm trying to protect her feelings. But how long can I keep reality right. I don't know, I'm just living the moment. But I'm prepared either D or R.

Regards,
Newman

[AnotherStander]

My original plan was to confront her in a way she can't deny it. I was going to be at that same spot where she stops and find out exactly what's going on.

I wouldn't do that, it can force a really ugly confrontation that can even result in physical harm. I just picture you trying to calmly discuss it with her and her screaming at you and OM running out of the house and things spiraling out of control from there.

Here's the deal, OM is not the cause of the marital problems. OM is a symptom. If you're going to push for S or D with your W then you don't even need to bring up OM at all. She has engaged in EA's in the past, she refuses to work on the M, you're in a sexless, loveless M by your W's choice and she therefore has violated the M covenants. That's enough to justify your desire for S or D without even bringing up OM.

I am of course not condoning S or D, DB'ing is all about trying to save the M. I'm just saying that if you want to pursue that then I don't think you should force an ugly curb-side confrontation.

[newman7977]

AS, I see your point and thanks, but i really don't see W reacting that way. Well I stowed that away already, I guess that was int the heat of the moment thing. My emotions still gets the best of me sometimes but I can assure you that I have improved, In the past when I find things like these I would've blew a gasket already. However, that being said I'm still a work in progress.

On another note, the big decision tomorrow is that I'm going to Ws family gathering. It's Easter Sunday afterall and I couldn't get past the guilt of not being there for my kids. I suppose there will be other times were I can make myself unavailable to w. I'm a softie when it comes to my kids.

How does the LBS get past the guilt when it comes to kids? I feel selfish if I make plans...so does DBing such GAL gets puts aside when it comes to kids?Ugh this is tough.

Newman

[newman7977]

On a lighter note, you guys have any DBing bloopers? Today, I got home after my bike ride and I had this boards in my mind and I came in and saw W and I said "hi WAW"...and I looked at her to see her reactions and of course she didnt pay No attention . Not the first time it happened, few months before I was talking to co-worker about our kids and I said "oh yeah D18 is applying to college". Of course I caught myself in the middle of saying d-18 and ended up mumbling the words and said d18s name instead lol.

That's all thought I share that and gotta watch myself . Lol

Newman

[newman7977]

I'm struggling DBing today. Yesterday's gathering brought a lot of feelings back. This morning I woke up with my arm around my W. So I kept pursuing and I got rejected. Brought me back to square one. I really hate myself for doing that but I know I shouldn't beat myself and just move on.

High score in LL is PT followed by quality time. I still miss the old her. My hurt armor got cracked today I have to fix it. Why can't she just close this? Why string me along?

Sometimes I think about dating OW, but I know it's wrong, I don't know maybe I just want to feel wanted again?

That's all I'm just venting for now. Have to exercise more to get some of the good chemicals back in the system.

On a positive note, it was great to see my kids enjoyed Easter egg hunt yesterday especially s3.

Newman