Thank you Tori and NG. I am definitely bringing the positive thoughts to the here and now. And NG, the poem is so moving and so fitting. Thank you for thinking about me. I enjoy poetry even though I don't read it very often.

Well, I had the talk with H about parenting (I came to the table with my thoughts prepared on paper. I wanted to to stay focused, and I had a feeling he was going to bring up my statement about not being able to do this anymore, that I had told him a few nights back).

Without getting into the minute details, the long and the short of it was that I think I managed to without judgement, state that while I can respect his choices, I do not necessarily agree with them. I have no intention of being an obstacle in his relationship with the kids. That I believe him being away from us (him living in another country) is not conducive to the emotional well being of the children and is an obstacle to his relationship with them. And finally, that his perceived inability to communicate with me in a healthy way ,does not encourage dialogue between us about the kids and their well being (he got defensive here...and I stood up for myself...I was not going to let him make me believe that the way he communicates with me is done in a respectful manner).

And I stated again that it doesn't work for us anymore. I am done, and have let him go. I stated that I love him, we miss him and he completes us as a family. I apologized for my role in the demise of the M, realised that I used to engage in very destructive behaviour when I was emotional (shaming, etc). I apologised for being selfish because I expected him to take care of me, when what I have learned is that I needed to take care of me, so that I could take care of my family. And while I wouldn't go through this again, I was thankful for the journey I was placed on.

With regards to the kids, I have different values that I am bringing them up on. Values I thought we both shared, but seemingly do not. I want to them to grow up being able to love even if they are not getting anything in return, and with the courage to dig deep if they have to.

I am not waiting for him to live. In fact I am living better than I ever have. I have found peace and while I still am learning and growing and experience anxiety at times, I am for the most part at peace. And I did that. I did it by myself, without him, its all mine.

I was strangely calm. This morning I felt so good. I put some music on, started to dance and thanked God for getting me through this..I survived it. (i also had some tears while this was happening so I probably looked crazy). I did it. And no one can take that from me. H cant ever take that away from me. I felt so free.

I hope this lasts. I know this is not over. And I know I could be on an artificial high. Yet, I feel something has shifted within me.

Lets see what the new day brings. Love you friends xxx

TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home