She wants us to file for D. I think if she wants D, it is she who needs to file. Am I wrong? (I really don't know)
If it's not something you want then you are right. If your desire is to save the M, then don't talk about D, don't help her with D and don't push for D. LOTS of walkaway spouses will talk a lot about D but not actually do anything to push it forward, so the DB'ing rules say just don't bring it up.
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She is an officially married woman acting like an unmarried woman.
As much as it hurts, that mirrors most of the sitches on these forums. Even the spouses that aren't involved in affairs want to act like they're not married anymore.
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So, my 180s/GAL are working out, addiction recovery program, Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University (which is blanking hard when you're in limbo with your spouse like this, but necessary).
All great GAL activities, but they're not 180's. 180's are taking stock of the mistakes you made in the M and doing the opposite of those mistakes. What have you learned about what you did wrong, and what are you doing different now?
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Mostly what I would like guidance on is how much to engage in relationship discussion?
Do not ever initiate R talks. If your W wants to talk then you listen and validate. Make eye contact, turn off any distractions (like TV), listen intently to her. Validation is not agreeing or disagreeing, it's just letting her know you hear and understand. Example-
"I'm not happy in the marriage and want out." "I hear you saying you want out of the marriage, how does that make you feel?" "I guess I'm just frustrated that you didn't listen to me for so long." "I can see that you're frustrated, I understand why you feel that way and I'm sorry I made you feel like that. I am committed to making sure that regardless of where our R goes, that I will make myself the best possible listener."
Don't agree/ disagree/ beg/ plead/ reason/ justify/ explain. None of these things will help you one bit. Just listen and validate! Most people read this and think "oh you don't know my wife, that will NEVER work." All I can say is try it, you'll be amazed. It is a huge 180 in most relationships and can make a really big difference in how the spouse perceives you and your communication with her.
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She is asking to talk. I imagine leaving her some flowers with a letter saying either serve me papers or start making better decision, but stop waiting for me to do what you want me to.
That would be a TERRIBLE thing to do!!! First, read Sandi's DB 180 tips (sticky at top of forum). No gifts! Second, she asks to talk and you leave her a note? Don't do that, if she wants to talk, then by all means let her talk! She talks, you listen and validate! Third, you're going to put an ultimatum in the note? Read DR, no ultimatums! They will never go your way!
