Also had to apologize to H today, I tried to access the ez-pass and thought it was my number though it was not, found that out after the e-mail to request my log in went to his e-mail.
I really was not trying to snoop, just needed to access the account for myself and job search, I then had to aplogize up and down to him after he sent an e-mail to me saying he had not asked to get his username e-mailed to him....
Man I am sure I can not explain how bad that looks to him...was not my intention...I told him this in the e-mail but he will take it how he wants to no matter what I say...hopefully he can see it was a mistake, but who knows, it will have the results it has.
By the way both of our ez-passes are linked always have been, I told him I will get a receipt when I go through and pay cash instead.
He has to see and feel your changes, so that means you have to really change. Not little individual things but how you move through life as a whole.
You have lots of work to do and the best thing that could happen is that you don't have much interaction until you can be around him without wanting to change him, or beg or plead or defend.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I know...I need to stay away as far as I can at this time, I am not at that stage yet in this...I am trying to limit myself but it is so hard when things are slipping through you fingers...but I my reacting so far has been pushing it further away!
I have asked family and friends to be more supportive of me in telling me that what I am doing is not helping...it is so hard because they just want the pain to go away...well I look at it as the longer I am in this the better (sometimes I can see this)
Don't be hard too hard on yourself, you're doing really well. Just keep up the positive changes and GIVE SPACE. Totally back off.
I backed off for months and months (for the wrong reasons, I was fueled by righteous indignation) but the results were that I had little to no communication for a long time. Now that we're starting communication again, I TRY to not let it effect me the way it used to and am usually pretty successful.
So use the time and let it rest for awhile. No more emails!
I had a friend at the beginning of my sitch that would always tell me "why would you touch the hot stove?" - but I said that to myself a lot whenever I wanted to reach out & react - don't touch the hot stove!
This sight is valuable so you can learn from other's experiences. I wish I'd been involved early on like you. I know it's hard but concentrate on yourself for now. GAL and don't feel that you have to tell your H about all your positive changes (yeah, I did that). Just be the best you and he'll notice.
So had a good session with IC today, she got me back on track to deal with myself, my issues, ones that H has pointed out, controling and low self esteem...
We did also discuss that H needs to be willing to work on his baggage too...as you know he is passing a lot of blame on me typical set me in a better frame to concentrate on me, back up from him, I know what the result will be if I go back to doing what I have been doing...in the end if he has not worked on what he needs to I might have to look at whether I am ready to take him back...
THanks for the support ladies...I like the hot stove comment...Thanks Reb...
H wants to spend the nigth at the house, alone with S on Saturday and have Sunday morning with S at the house, NO ME!
This is hard, I want to be there too...want to see S on Easter Morning, first real Easter he has had...I was excited for it.
Yes I know he will be fine with H at the house, but then I will need to be gone from 11:30am Sat til whenever Sunday...then with my family Sunday...H has no fam around...
So what do you think of me offering up to come early am for the morning Easter festivities?
FS..... Caught up on your sitch....the first bit you or any of us go through is not called the roller coaster for nothing. Your changes will eventually become second nature and you won't find yourself always falling back into the communication and control patterns that got your R to this point.
Secondly, your husband left, so I would advise you not to leave the house. His choice was to leave, that is his choice. It is also sound legal advice plus you are right, this Easter is amazing at this age.
I would invite H over for Easter morning, if he would like. How would you go about declining his request?
Thanks inside...yes it is a roller coaster...I have hope they will become second nature too!
I do agree he left, I am okay with him being in the home, he is trying to take control of anything he can...funny that he can say all he wants over text or FB but when it comes to face to face or the phone he reverts back to being his old let me control self...does not help me at all...
I need to control that and allow him to talk and encourage more of him stating his needs...something that does not come easy for him or me to do...but I have seen it work with encouragement from me to ask the right questions of him...
I did call and leave him a message asking for a compromise....thinking I could come to the home at 10 or 11pm, when he and S should be in bed, have the morning and leave again and ask if he would bring S to my parents or meet me in town to switch off...
I agree he did leave, it is his choice to be bouncing from hotel to hotel room, he has the money to find a place and is choosing not to at this time, if he did have a place and was closer I would most likely have him take S overnight and in the am bring him back to the house...that would be the compromise I would have.
I tried to discuss options with H two weeks ago to which he stated he had forgotten about the holiday...now 4 days before he is trying to pull all the control. I just want to discuss and come to a compromise, not make either one of us get their own way fully but think of what will work best.
Plan to present this is the last holiday and major event til Sept when S turns two...we should be able to be adults and make it through 8-9hours of being in the same home, and only a couple of those actually being awake for.
I have left him a voicemail...I am sure he will listen to it and he can do what he may with it...but if we have not discussed prior to him getting here on Sat. I will ask more on it then.
Well spoke with Laurie...me see a big 180 coming here...
I am okay with allowing him to be at the home Sat and Sun morning with S, then have him drop off S to meet me somewhere or at my parents...
This might be a huge one in allowing H to be assertive...something he needs to do more...this is an issue in the marriage...he does not assert himself...so allowing him to be able to and step aside should show me some small signs that it is going in the right way.
As for him being at the house over the weekend on night...I want him to be in the home so he remember what it feels like and that it is not all bad...also to be around S...so if that is my goal at this time this is how to work on that goal...if I don't see changes in the future as a result of this I can reassess my goal..
Also discussed leaving a note to apologize for my role in how the conversation when last weekend. Laurie suggested his communication style at this time is writing and that it might be best to communicate in his style. Little hopes I expect him not to say anything on either topic but maybe be in a good mood when he arrives and with interaction.
I plan to do Easter morning with S on Saturday and Sunday we will have egg hunt and time at my parents.
