Of Feral Cats, and All That

[reachingHigher]

oh, and her cell phone is out in the open now, on the counter...this is new the past few weeks...

THIS is good news!

T^2, you've been through so much! The long months of waiting and suspecting. Now to find out some of these suspicions are true and on the heels of it, W starting to lean on you once again. She is opening up to you. I hear somewhat of "teamwork" between the two of you and her willingness to do what it takes to heal.

I'm so happy for you!

It must seem surreal to you, like the impending D did to me in December followed by desire for reconciliation.

A lot of these sitches here on the boards seem to go on for a long time with no progress and then a crisis and boom...change of feelings!

It reminds me of a chick in an egg trying to get out after it's time just growing imperceptibly inside. Or...of course your tag line fits perfectly here...including the metamorphosis when nothing on the outside makes it look like it's changing on the inside.

So...T^2, keep up the good work! You obviously are a very forgiving person, else W would not be able to trust you! Some of the things you've seen....signs of A's. Ouch! Ouch! And ouch again!

Keep strong,
Keep growing,
Keep loving,
Hugs,
rH

[LoisB]

T, you're a pretty amazing guy. I'm glad she is showing more signs that she is recognizing what we all see so clearly.

I love the chick in the egg metaphor RH, it is like that, isn't it?

Heather

[~ kd ~]

Hey T^2, I was just thinking about your Pavlovian experience.

I know exactly what you are saying. I actually thought about it more and see that even with the ringing of a phone. How people trigger to pick up the phone, even if it might be inconvenient or even inappropriate to do so at the time (for what ever reason).

Take that a step further and people die because they react to these things in such an automatic way (ie. driving down the road and the phone dings because of a text, the look down to react and...)

Just wanted to validate your feelings about the IM thing. Myself, I continue to maintain that any comm with my X is via email.

[LoisB]

There is an awesome episode of The Big Bang Theory--I think it's 3rd season when Sheldon uses chocolate as a reward to improve someone's behavior. I think it could work! In my case, though, it would hafta be marijuana.

Heather

[Raine]

T it's so interesting to read how much your wife is opening up to you, and also the things she is saying. It does seem like she is testing you, maybe even testing herself. It's like all of these things she must have been thinking and feeling are now being verbalized and bounced off of you. Great job on your patience and not taking the bait. That's something I need to work to keep in check. And you keep counting away Each day further from those bad days is one more day worth celebrating. It's so awesome to see your wife realizing and saying how amazing you are.

[reachingHigher]

T^2, I was listening to a song today and it reminded me of you & W:

"As soon as you are able, woman I am willing
To make the break that we are on the brink of
My cup is on the table, my love is spilling
Waiting here for you to take and drink of

So if you're tired of the same old story,
Oh, turn some pages
I will be here when you are ready
To roll with the changes, yeah, yeah

I knew it had to happen, felt the tables turnin'
Got me through my darkest hour (like a 9 mm on a desk?)
I heard the thunder clappin', felt the desert burnin'
Until you poured on me like a sweet sunshower

So if you're tired of the same old story
Oh, turn some pages
I will be here when you are ready
To roll with the changes, ooooh"

Ooooh, yeah!
You are ready and waiting!
Just wanted you to know you were in my thoughts
rH

[TSquared2]

Hi all,

Thanks for the replies and thoughts, we all have been sick with flu/colds/sinus infections/bronchitis/and who knows whatelse, so not a lot of things to update about the sitch. I had posted over at J's thread that W was "annoyed" with me this weekend, but she also said she was trying to figure out if it was just not feeling good with the illness, or that she was annoyed with herself and projecting, or what...that is good imo, introspection and questioning the origins of things...

I posted earlier on FY's thread:

I ran across this while researching the underlying "motivators", both psychological and bio-chemical for affairs, mlc, etc:

Hypersexuality is often associated with addictive or obsessive personalities, escapism, psychological disorders, low self-esteem, self-destructive behavior, lowered sexual inhibitions and behavioral conditioning. Alcohol, hormonal imbalance and change of life hormone levels (puberty, adulthood, middle age, menopause, seniors),[5][6][7] behavior modification, operant conditioning and many drugs affect a person's social and sexual inhibitions, while reducing integral human bonding abilities for intimacy.

This correlates with things I've read regarding the hormones "tricking" us into trying to diverify the human gene pool one more time before breeding ability is turned off.

What really struck me was the idea bolded in red...that this same bio-chemical function might turn-off/reduce intimacy abilities...which matches up with us LBS being spurned, no pair bonding...gotta find new genes...before I die/get too old/whatever. idk, just a theory to throw into the mix in search of understanding so I can continue forgiving, because understanding makes forgiving easier for me.

I had been thinking of "why" the OPs, thought of W and her background and known hormone issues, and thought of Raine's H and his multiple OPs, and why the total rejection of fine quality LBSs who are not, in fact, Quasimodos with leprosy and koodies...

Not much to add, this flu/cold thingy has me beat up...and the irony of the fact that for the first time in years I take anti-biotics, I get sicker than a dog for the first time since this mlc business all started...I am finding the humor in that irony.

Yes, KD, IM and multi-tasking are very overrated and not of quality...and deadly sometimes...must work on changing operant conditioning schemes...

T^2

[Raine]

Really interesting find T^2. I had a reply typed out, but thought it was better to just posted on my thread since it ended up being all about H. I think they want the intimacy bonding, and know that comes with the spouse relationship, but they are incapable of it, thus incapable of any kind of relationship with the spouse.

I hope you're feeling better!

[job]

I'm sorry to hear that you are under the weather. Sounds like your immune system has taken a major hit. Lots of fluids and plenty of rest.

Time to leave mlc at the door and focus on getting better.

[TSquared2]

Greetings,

Due to the family illness, which we are still fighting the last of the illness hangover, not much to report. W and I were both sick, and we ended up being very tolerant, patient, even gracious to each other and getting done what needed to get done without heavy expectations.

I have had to remind myself that when I am ill, my perceptions and patience are severely reduced...the "sitch weariness" laid heavy on me, but I managed self-control.

Starsky posted just what I needed to hear today:

When I reconciled with my wife after hear affair, I quickly decided that I couldn't demand RESULTS right away, and I CERTAINLY couldn't expect her FEELINGS to return immediately.

But I damned sure expected her EFFORT. That's what I tried to focus on, as I knew the feelings would take months to even a couple of years to return. But I doubt I could have remained in the marriage if she hadn't shown me her committed effort. Effort, honesty, transparency.

I do see the effort...slow as the rest is, but effort is there. I know she is still in withdrawal from the OMs and the "other life", hasn't been that long after all...and in a bit of mlc withdrawal phase I guess processing her stuff and past actions. But I really don't know...and that's okay right now.
She let on before how it made her feel to look at her empty inbox, so I email her something every morning...tame, safe, supportive (I wish I could be more "fun", replace the OMs that way, but not yet) and then let her drive any further communication.

I know this is another critical stage, so doing my best to STFU, be positive, supportive, understanding...but it does have its toll, especially when weakened by illness and over-work...but that is a temporary state of affairs.

Though I haven't been commenting much, I have been keeping up with everyone's sitches. Guess that's about it tonight.

T^2