Great job on the TKD! Time to stretch your wings a bit.
I will agree with the others, if W didn't care, she wouldn't have done your flyer, or would have done a half-a$$ed job of it...done there, been that with my W in my "Satan period" during her anger days.
Keep doing what you are, and yes, don't throw away all your hard work and patience by pushing too hard now...you got this!
T^2
Thanks T^2. You've helped me so much. I hope I can make you proud!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
FY, Continue as you have been. Your w will eventually open up and begin talking about things, but it's not going to be for a while.
I do agree w/rH and T2 about digging for patience and yes, she does care about you or she wouldn't have done your flyer for you.
Keep the focus on you and the TKD. Your w's travels haven't ended and she's still exploring the world of years gone by. When she begins to feel "safe" and near the end of the self exploration, she will open up and begin talking to you. At that time, listen, but do not offer up solutions. Validate her thoughts and be extremely patient as this is where many people push too hard and the mlcer will run right back down into the rabbit hole. You will need to follow her lead and do not ask questions...just let her talk. A large majority of your questions will be answered when the time is right.
BTW, I am not an expert on mlc...just a person who traveled the mlc path many years ago and I do not want to see people make the same mistakes that I did along the way.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
FY, something caught my eye. You said, "Sadly, she could not accept the compliments. Her rushed work just wasn't good enough in her mind." This seems to be pretty common behavior in your W. To me, this shows she has low self-esteem---a trait of many MLC'ers. Continue offering specific, honest praise, and maybe she'll start loving herself more. Once she loves herself, she'll be able to extend her love to others, including you.
This seems to be pretty common behavior in your W. To me, this shows she has low self-esteem---a trait of many MLC'ers. Continue offering specific, honest praise, and maybe she'll start loving herself more. Once she loves herself, she'll be able to extend her love to others, including you.
I do, and feel like I always have, yet it barely seems to help. But if someone else offers some praise... boy oh boy, that's just the greatest!
Not too long ago she was quite pleased when her dad offered her some praise. This I can understand though, because she's often told me she felt her parents never supported her enough while growing up. And because I met her at 16, I know for a fact this was the case.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
How didn't her parents support her? Was she one of many children?
Also, how do you know she was pleased when her dad offered praise? I think she also appreciates your praise, but does not want to acknowledge it in front of you. She's pushing away the people closest to her due to her internal pain.
Hang in there, FY. You're showing strength, compassion, and true love.
How didn't her parents support her? Was she one of many children?
Also, how do you know she was pleased when her dad offered praise? I think she also appreciates your praise, but does not want to acknowledge it in front of you. She's pushing away the people closest to her due to her internal pain.
My wife was the only girl, with two older half brothers and one younger full brother.
Mom was bitter with her life, mean and abusive to the entire family. She made life at home miserable for everyone. Dad was busy making money, fighting with Mom, or staying out of her way. Wife hated coming home as a child, but was also somewhat of an outcast at school, so hated that too. When she met me at 16, I fell in love with her and became her rescuer.
Early after bomb drop (and after her Mom's death) I heard "Why did Mom have to be so mean" and "No one ever told me I could excel at things, make something of myself, except you... and that's different". (like I "have to" stick up for her because I'm her H, or maybe I only do it to get my needs met)
A few months back, when I made an off the cuff joke about a particular H supporting his W, Dad commented on how his daughter works, and can support herself. W loved hearing Dad acknowledge this, and commented to me about it later.
Absolutely she's in a lot of pain. More than me, I imagine.
Quote:
Hang in there, FY. You're showing strength, compassion, and true love.
Thank you so much. It really helps to hear this.
I try to visualize that one day my wife will feel good about herself, look back and see what we have has been good, and can only get better.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Hang in there, FY. You're showing strength, compassion, and true love.
Yes, indeed.
I noticed the thing about the compliments long ago, also. When H began his replay stage and was still telling me some things that went on, he talked about compliments he would get from women while he was out and his whole face would light up.
Looking at it now, I see even now, there's a sameness to the things we as spouses at home can do or say. My H is battling with this now. On the one hand, it provides a high level of comfort. OTOH, well, it's the same. It's you. You may have made some changes, but it is still you. And there isn't much you can do about that. You can never be "new" again even if you have a "new" M.
How many times has my H looked at me and said "we've known each other for 17 years." and we worked together and were friends before that.
So....I figure there must be something else that provides the spark here. Is it time? Perspective? Wanting the "old" and "comforting" finally...an acceptance of the fact that our WAS can never find the same R with any one else "out there"?
Just rambling and musing....
I think you are doing great, FY. Did the classes start yet?
When your W comes back, she won't be able to believe she tried to walk away from the gem you are!
She will be like the slave who had a person buy his freedom and then served him out of gratitude the rest of his life.
Keep going! rH
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
^same here. Mine thrived on the attention from others when she went out. Any compliment I made was met with, "you're my husband, you have to...."
FY, mine wasn't supported by her parents like she should've been. She also suffered/suffers from low self esteem. I truly believe a lot of her problems now are directly caused by these two things.
I find myself thinking about how she/they can change how they view us. My W isn't attracted to me at all right now (no physical changes since we married. I'm the same weight, no gray hair, no hair leaving, been told I look younger than her). I assume its because I'm in the parent role to her. How do they move beyond that projection to desire us again?
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
I noticed the thing about the compliments long ago, also. When H began his replay stage and was still telling me some things that went on, he talked about compliments he would get from women while he was out and his whole face would light up.
Looking at it now, I see even now, there's a sameness to the things we as spouses at home can do or say. My H is battling with this now. On the one hand, it provides a high level of comfort. OTOH, well, it's the same. It's you. You may have made some changes, but it is still you. And there isn't much you can do about that. You can never be "new" again even if you have a "new" M.
How many times has my H looked at me and said "we've known each other for 17 years." and we worked together and were friends before that.
So....I figure there must be something else that provides the spark here. Is it time? Perspective? Wanting the "old" and "comforting" finally...an acceptance of the fact that our WAS can never find the same R with any one else "out there"?
Just rambling and musing....
I think you are doing great, FY. Did the classes start yet?
When your W comes back, she won't be able to believe she tried to walk away from the gem you are!
She will be like the slave who had a person buy his freedom and then served him out of gratitude the rest of his life.
Keep going! rH
Thanks. Great thoughts there, RH.
Yes, comfort and security, I’ve been told I offer that. Also shared history… But she doesn’t feel the hots for me. If these feelings ever turn around, I believe it will be because of the time and perspective thing you mentioned.
TKD classes are due to start April 9th. I don’t have enough peeps signed up yet, but HR tells me I will.
“She will be like the slave”
You know, as my mind wanders I could see that working quite well several times a week!
Oh, and I was put on moderation because I posted a link. My posts may take a while to show up.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
^same here. Mine thrived on the attention from others when she went out. Any compliment I made was met with, "you're my husband, you have to...."
FY, mine wasn't supported by her parents like she should've been. She also suffered/suffers from low self esteem. I truly believe a lot of her problems now are directly caused by these two things.
I find myself thinking about how she/they can change how they view us. My W isn't attracted to me at all right now (no physical changes since we married. I'm the same weight, no gray hair, no hair leaving, been told I look younger than her). I assume its because I'm in the parent role to her. How do they move beyond that projection to desire us again?
Hi Mn.
Like you, I pretty much still look the same as I always have. Even W acknowledges this. So in our cases, (and most MLC cases I would guess) it has nothing to do with the physical.
How do they move beyond this? I believe it will only be through time and perspective, and them working through their issues, which we have no control over. While it seems there is nothing we can do to turn around their lack of desire for us, I’m sure there is plenty we could do that would make it worse. The fact that my wife is still here after more than a year of wanting to run away, tells me I’m on course. But it does sometimes seem like an awfully long course to be on!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
