DBing, European style

[Papa4Life]

Oh boy. Well we were just talking about this in Suckerpunch's thread. There is potential for disaster here. You should NOT be talking about your sitch to mutual friends and family. You should ONLY discuss it with people who don't know your wife and have zero chance of ever running across her.

That's a good point, Stander. My major problem is that I live thousands of miles away from my family and almost all of my friends are also friends with my W. but, I think I will put an end to this.

Do not EVER bring up D, R or M talks! EVER! If W brings it up then just listen and validate. But do NOT engage in these discussions.

See? This is exactly my problem with CT. The therapist has us making up a plan for the sitch after the D and there's no real way for me to get out of it without canceling the appointment (which, as I mention in another post, I suggest to therapist that that's what I am considering doing). I mean, if the W starts moving towards D, how do you put on the brakes? I suppose I should just let her make her own decisions.

Of course she did, because you are PRESSURING her. You are trying to reason her into staying. That does not work!! Pressure has the opposite effect, it pushes them out the door.

Damn, that's not wanted I wanted to do at all. But she even said she felt pressure from me and the therapist on this point.

So you started pushing her buttons, she yelled and you walked away. This is not the kind of stuff that will bring her back!! Stop the pressuring, stop giving her reasons to yell, and instead of walking away when she gets angry try to get her to talk about her emotions and validate them. "You sound angry, is that how you feel?" "Darned right I'm angry!!" "I'm sorry you feel so angry, can you tell me what I did to make you feel that way? I want to work on this to stop it from happening in the future."

Converting angry conflicts into peaceful conflict resolution is the primary 180 that most troubled couples should strive for.

Thanks so much for this reality check, Stander. This is exactly what I needed to hear. I knew I was moving into dangerous territory with this shift in my DB plan, but I didn't realize I had overshot the mark by so far. I just get so anxious when she talks about making steps towards D and I want to try anything to stave off that awful day... This is also another instance where the therapist was wrong, because she suggested taking a time out when discussions become to heated, but, you see, my W NEVER initiates a timeout. It's always me, and I know I feel that I'm doing it with the right intention. But I think your alternative is much more productive and healthy... You've given me a lot to mull over, Stander! How do you set somebody as a buddy on this forum?!!?