Thanks

[PatientMan]

I had a..."different" thought process this morning. I kind of feel like I am in a season of "The Bachelorette". The show, which neither I nor W watches (but she watched a season or two years ago so I know the premise), has a few inherent flaws that make it somewhat humorous. The two main ones are

1) These people are whisked around the globe and treated like royalty as a means of courting that is totally abnormal and unrealistic for 99.9% of the population.
2) It's a game, and people inherently don't like to lose games, especially when there is competition.

I feel like I'm subjecting myself to the latter flaw, where I am so focused on winning the game that is getting W to want to work on a reconciliation that I am setting aside the fact that our R has some serious problems, from my perspective.

Based on reading other people's threads this isn't any sort of shocking development, but I realized that...you know what? I am ready and willing to work on my marriage. I still think it's the best course of action. BUT, I have a real issue with trust regarding W. I have spent the last year+ in this awful place where I don't know what she's doing, where she's doing it, with whom, who she is talking to, what she is thinking, and I've received no assurances from her as to what kind of behavior I can count on from her. I have been betrayed multiple times and trust has seriously eroded.

As I was driving into work this morning, I realized that trust is something she has to EARN back, and I recognize that isn't going to be easy for me. I don't mean to say that I'm going to hold something against her forever (or at all), I'm just being realistic. And I knew this in my head all along, but there was some sort of empowerment in this feeling this morning, as if *I* actually have some value. She's got to EARN it back...she can't just HAVE it.

I realized a long time ago, probably last summer or early fall, that if she asked me to move back home, I probably wouldn't. I don't want to confuse the children that way and wanted/still want to take things slow to ensure any chance at R is done the right way.

Now I seem to be at a point (at least TODAY ) where I feel a little past the "please take me back! Pretty PLEASE take me back!" phase. I WANT to work on this...that remains. But she has to want to do this too, and she has a good bit of work to do from my perspective, because I'm not going to be married to someone I do not or cannot trust.

I don't know if she knows this or if she thinks I may feel this way. One of my only confidants, my eldest sister, says I've been bouncing around between the three middle stages of grief for my M, and she thinks that my recent feelings of resentment might be an indicator that I'm transitioning into the final stage: acceptance.

Anyway, kind of a new perspective for me. We'll see if it lasts.

I hope you all have a great day!