DBing, European style

[Papa4Life]

So, there have been a few ups and downs over the last few weeks. If you've read through thisnthread, you'll know that W and I are still in SBRs and W told me in therapy last week in no uncertain terms that she wants a D and wants to be friends and co-parents. As hard as it was to hear, I kept a PMA and validated her feelings and listened carefully to what she said. I've also been reading around on this board, and I've seen some posts saying that therapy can actually hurt. That really struck me because W has been saying from the start that we've already tried therapy and it hasn't worked, but now I'm wondering if therapy isn't right for us -- or at least not this therapist. My W says she likes to have people ask her questions so she can work through her feelings and in that way reach a conclusion about what she wants. That just makes me think that maybe the therapist suggesting things like SBRs, separation and D is just validating her feelings of wanting to get out of the M while giving her 'permission' to disregard the many factors that weigh on her decision, like the kids, her job, the fact that I'm willing to make changes and try again... I mentioned this to the therapist and she was taken aback at first. I told her, I think it just does more harm than good if she only hears that a D is an oportunity for her to be happy. What about the fact that four kids are involved and a D would destroy a family?

Another think I've concluded is that 'going dark' is not working in my situation. Communication -- or the lack of it -- was a major problem in our R and giving her complete space, I believe, just seems like more of the same to her. I think engaging her, validating her feelings, being upbeat, and listening, listening, listening is the better approach. And it has yielded some results, even though W still seems intent on at least S, the way she talks about it seems as if she is having doubts. I was talking to her about the book "5LL" last night, and I think she was impressed by the fact that I acknowledged that she is a person for whom actions speak louder than words. I know how important her work is to her and I acknowledged that working that hard, in part, was her way of showing her love for her family.

But speaking of work, we're now writing out plans for our ideas of how we would arrange things if/when we separate. I've pointed out that I will need to work more hours and that she would have to take on more responsibility for the kids. Well, she didn't like to hear that one little bit, but she gets angry when I bring it up. I gently avoid an argument when she gets heated up about it, but her work is one thing that she does not want to make sacrifices with. Sad to say, but I wish she could be that serious about the impact a D would have on our kids.