Ok, so what about a list of YOUR positive changes. I think you've been soooo focused on him that you've neglected your own happiness. Look, bottom line is that M is hard. You made a vow to stay for better or worse. If you want to leave, there's nothing stopping you from doing that. But if your M is saved the right way, you will be happy again.
So what about YOUR changes?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
MrBond, I was just going to get that but fell asleep at the keyboard, its been a long night.
My positive changes:
*I go out alone more, if a friend goes with me its fine but if they are unavailable i go alone.
*I dont care where my husband goes or when he comes home, i dont question him. he is free to do as he likes.
*I am more financially responsible, because of him kicking me to the curb i work more, make more money and have income to do things I enjoy while not relying on him. I dont have to worry about bills.
*I thank him more when he does small things for me
*I am not so grumpy anymore when I am around other people or him.
*I actively try to hang out with my friends more often instead of waiting for them to invite me. I take the initiative.
*I make plans to visit new countries and do some things I was holding back on because H didnt want to do them with me or wasnt interested. I guess its because I have nothing to loose anymore.
*I take better care of my physical appearance. I wear makeup more, make sure my hair is styled and Im wearing nice clothing.
*I study my own religion more since I dont have to take care of the H's needs I can focus on me and God.
*I am more interested in doing volunteer works as a result of me wanting space from H.
Many of the things on the list don't sound like positive "changes".
"*I go out alone more, if a friend goes with me its fine but if they are unavailable i go alone."
Why is this a positive?
*I dont care where my husband goes or when he comes home, i dont question him. he is free to do as he likes.
Why is this a positive? A positive change would be if you didn't nag him about where he was going. Not caring about where he goes, as you described, just sounds like a lack of empathy.
"*I am more financially responsible, because of him kicking me to the curb i work more, make more money and have income to do things I enjoy while not relying on him. I dont have to worry about bills."
I don't see anywhere that he "kicks you to the curb". I notice you overdramatize things here and there. I understand that's your hurt feelings and resentment talking so you need to not let that cloud what's really going on.
"*I thank him more when he does small things for me"
THIS is a positive change. You never thanked him before?
*I am not so grumpy anymore when I am around other people or him.
THIS is a positive change. Were you grumpy before this happened?
"*I actively try to hang out with my friends more often instead of waiting for them to invite me. I take the initiative."
Good positive change.
"*I make plans to visit new countries and do some things I was holding back on because H didnt want to do them with me or wasnt interested. I guess its because I have nothing to loose anymore."
That's what your friends are for. Did he stop having those interests after his depression?
"*I take better care of my physical appearance. I wear makeup more, make sure my hair is styled and Im wearing nice clothing."
And you didn't before? This is a good change. Has he ever had an issue with the way you looked, like weight or anything?
*I study my own religion more since I dont have to take care of the H's needs I can focus on me and God."
Great positive change.
"*I am more interested in doing volunteer works as a result of me wanting space from H."
Well that's not necessarily a good thing. You should do it because it's something you like to do and not just because you're avoiding your H.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I think going out alone is positive because before I always relied on H or a friend for company. If they could not come or did not want to I would not do it for fear of being alone in a foreign country.
H stopped liking anything during his depression so yeah traveling was one of them among other things like martial arts, going to movies, eating out. He doesnt like any of that anymore. recently i can get him to come for lunch but only if I pay. his reasoning? "oh you work alot now and make more money so you should pay for me."
Yes i was major grumpy before the D bomb, i think maybe i was depressed also because for one year prior to this he was a basket case, only he was still affectionate to me but I had to fight tooth and nail to get him out of the house, funny enough he jumps at the chance to go out if his friends invite him, just not with me. I was grumpy because he wasnt interested in me outside of the bedroom.
My weight. I am 5 ft. 5 and weight 120 pounds. I have never been fat but husbands often compares me to Japanese girls who are much more petite than me. H has told me I am fat even though I am not. I have tried to diet as a result of his critiques but i realize that the weight i am at is what i should be at and i dont diet or worry about it anymore.
I usually dress pretty good but i stepped it up and wear more business formal outfits at work instead of the minimum black slacks and sweater. When I am out of the town I dress pretty nice. I dont always worry about makeup though because I have acne. I wear more eye makeup now to take the focus off my pimples.
I like cats (having 2 of my own) and I want to volunteer to take care of cats at a shelter near fukushima. Its both to give us space and also because I love cats.
as for my dramatic language, i spent most of my life in Seattle so i guess i like to use alot of idioms. I really do talk like I write. May or may not be a good thing but thats part of who I am.
Yesterday afternoon was interesting, H joked about me dying. We were talking about work and I mentioned that im pretty pooped from tuesday (12 hour shift) so he off handedly says (he claims it was a joke) "well you should just die then." I told him that was pretty mean and if its a joke its not very nice to say to someone. Beyond that I didnt get upset at all. This isnt the first time he has said something like that since his depression.
At lunch we were making small talk and eating very spicey curry when i asked a silly question about the food. H snapped and said "thats such a stupid question!" in the past he always like my silly questions and thought they were cute.
Verbal abuse [censored]! Emotional abuse [censored] even more!
Now onto better news, I am going for a day trip to Kamakura with an old military buddy for a bit of exploration next week =) the cherry blossoms are in full bloom so I hope we can get a good look at them!
"I told him that was pretty mean and if its a joke its not very nice to say to someone."
And what was his reaction? Next time, phrase it this way..."I felt hurt when you said that and I what I wanted was some understanding because I felt bad."
"Verbal abuse [censored]! Emotional abuse [censored] even more!"
Could it be that you're taking some of his joking responses a little too seriously because you are still filled with resentment? A phrase like "thats such a stupid question" could be interpreted different ways. However, if you felt like he implied that YOU were stupid, then you should tell him.
One thing my W held against me was one incident where I thought she was really acting bad. I asked her "why are you acting like a bitch"? She interpreted that as me saying she WAS a bitch. Which I didn't mean at all. I wanted to know why she was ACTING that way. There is a difference.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
He was surprised I told him it was mean. he said "oh really?" like it was totally new for him to know that its bad to joke about someone dying. Recently he has also made jokes about cheating on me, searching for other women, going to massage parlors. I dont know why he would even talk about it unless he is trying to rub it in my face for some reason.
He never made jokes like that in the past, i dont know why he would now unless he has another reason for saying it. He lost a cousin to suicide and his brother attempted and failed so death isnt a joking matter in his family nor is it in mine for the same reasons.
its possible i am taking it too personally, but in general i think those are horrible things to joke about, and he never did it in the past in a vindictive way.
Thanks Mr. Bond, I will try to do that. His B day is coming up and it seems to be something he dreads so do you think a b day present this year is a no no? I usually make him a cake and buy him a small something, should i continue with this tradition or do you think its best i ignore it this year?
