I found Limbo Land

[mrtwopointfour]

Here is my last thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...017#Post2333017

So just a quick recap:

Its been about 7 or 8 weeks since BD. I've been through the crying, begging, apologizing, asking questions, telling W that I can change - all that business.

W is no longer in love with me, wants her own life, not happy in marriage to me, feels trapped, thinks she never loved me, did it because that's what parents wanted, thinks she has been living a life that's not her for last 15 years, all that negative stuff I have read on so many other posts on here. No mention of the good times!

There is an EA going on, possible PA which I started to probe into but i found things out (nothing concrete) that made my mind go into overdrive so quickly dropped that. I will deal with all that if W wants to come back, until then i makes no difference, as long as it does not effect kids or my finance.

I know where I have been at fault in my 50% of R. Wrong LL's, a little over protective / concerned for her well being, taken w for granted, gone from being laid back and optimistic to stressed and run down (guess that's what happens when you are the main earner, and you have family to support), also we both have not had enough individuality in M. I've made my fulsome apologies for these, and W knows I have acknowledged these faults. I have also told W that I am not giving up on our M, but need to get on with life and look after myself, so will no longer talk about it. This was about 2 weeks ago.

I have things changes to make to GAL. I have listed these in my last thread but essentially are:

• Going to the Gym
• Meeting friends for drinks
• Looking into new hobbies and taking up old ones
• Taking pride in my appearance. Taking chances with appearance that I never had confidence to do before
• Going off by myself to coffee shops to read
• Taking kids out by myself

I also have goals planned which I must admit are tweaking a little after reading DR. My main goal is for W to fall 'in love' with me again. But my smaller goals are:

• W to discuss future plans for holidays. At the moment its always avoided.
• W to stop talking about being separated in the future (no mention of D for about 3 weeks, but plenty of reminders about living apart in future ie who will keep what, how W is going to have to learn to do things when she lives alone etc etc)
• W to sit in same room as me to watch TV at night (we sleep in separate rooms at the moment, and W sits in there all night to watch TV rather than with me)

I think these are the ones I am working towards at the moment, and will be enough for me to trigger change.

And then onto my 180's:

• Do more around house, before because of being main earner with W working PT, I left certain things for W. I now do these when I can, and i feel better for it. Before I was on edge as I always felt like I was not doing enough, or that W was stressed at having to do all the work. Now I do what I need to and relax.
• No longer stressed at kids, or when they get ill. Did not even have to try with this one, as soon as BD came it was like a switch.
• Listening to every word W says. Before would tend to listen but not really take it in. This would really irritate W.
• Not asking where W has been, or where she is going. Letting W tell me. This is the big one.

So why am I in Limbo Land.

Well, W has noticed 180's and change in me. Think she assumes its all an act and has said many times that 'its too little too late', 'its not going to make a difference, 'it doesn't matter any more so why bother', or, 'why are you doing this now - you never before'. Apart from the later one, the others have not been said for a few weeks now, and I think maybe W said these things out of annoyance. W also has also noticed my dressing better, being better with kids, and other personal changes and commented on these. But it still 'doesn't change the way she feels, those feelings can never return'.

We are still living together, same house, getting on very well (frustrating as we are getting on better than we have done for a year or so). Eating together on most evenings. Its almost as if we are in a happy marriage without the physical contact, loving gestures etc.

More recently W has started to show interest in taking kids out for days, which before was a 'we shall see'. She even looked at going away for a few days - its not quite a holiday, but I see this as a start. So these are positives. But then there are the comments about the future (by W). The comments that make it clear she is still planning on separating. Its hard not to react, but I just say simple works such as 'yes that's true', or 'i suppose so'.

I am trying to detach but with us getting on so well its making it very difficult. During the day, W will contact me, so even though I am trying to not to make contact by W contacting me I feel i have to reply. And I have even managed to forget the fact that she is 'in love' with OM, maybe this is detaching, but also think that I am kidding myself into thinking its all okay. Its so easy to forget all this is happening at the moment and relax and pretend nothing is wrong. It feels like our lives are on hold waiting for something to happen. I know this is good and it give me the gift of time. I am still learning patience, but at the same time I feel like I need to up my game even more. I also worry that all the sudden love I felt when BD came, and the immense feeling of never want to loose her, has gone - I wonder now if I am falling out of love myself.