The View from the Blanket III

[bustingout]

Tori, thank you. Actually, after that brief chat I had to go into school to hold parent-teacher conferences! lol my mind was quickly occupied with other people's children.

Thankfully after that I did have plans as it was my BFFs bday so a bunch of us went out to dinner. So it helped to take my mind off (as did the few cocktails we had :-) )

I am finding, slowly, that the anger is helping me protect myself. I dont have a desire to hurt H or lash out. I dont have a desire for conflict. I also, however, do not appreciate being treated rudely and while I know it is a reflection of him when he does it, I have for the past two days stated calmly, firmly and one time only (where as before I would nag and fight , etc), that while I do respect his POV, privacy, space and time, there is no reason to be rude with me (this was in response to two incidents where he was curt and dismissive).

I noticed a slight change in his behavior towards me afterwards, for the positive, which is good. Will leave it at that.

Subguy, lol thank you! I did feel a little bada@@ this morning...actually, I felt relieved for saying it. This morning, for the first time since this all started, I actually felt a glimpse of excitement about the future. I was surprised with the feeling.

We are meeting tomorrow to talk about parenting again, I think I will suggest skype calls and if he feels up to it, perhaps some more communication with me about the kids. While he does speak to them its very limited conversations (i.e. hi daddy, we miss you, when are you coming back....yes school was good...). I am not sure what else to suggest at this point.

I have been noticing that S8 seems to regress into toddler mode when H comes back. And S8 only does it with H, not me. I believe this is an indication of S8's unfulfilled needs with H. I am not sure if H notices this too, if I should bring this up with H tomorrow or if it will sound like I am shooting the arrows of guilt and shame.

At school today, one of my students had a stress-related breakdown. Then she alluded to problems at home, and she was beating herself up to hold back the tears. She kept apologizing for her tears and kept saying she needs to get herself together and then she'll be fine. She refused to speak any further as she did not want anyone to 'pity' her. I said she should stop apologizing for her feelings, that showing emotion is strength not weakness, that this needs to be released...

It really highlighted to me how much so many of us are conditioned to 'suck it up' and get on with it. When difficult feelings, sadness or hurt occurs, we are 'supposed' to just move on and 'be strong'. We do not learn about emotional health and healthy release of those emotions, we are conditioned to believe that we are weak if we are hurt and happiness should be a constant feeling. We put on 'happy' faces, so that the world knows we are 'in control' and 'just fine' when in reality there is a continuous build up of resentment, pain, loneliness and eventually, anger. I see how passive-aggressive behavior can develop.


So thats me for now. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

my love to all. xxx