Sigh... Was talking to my mother yesterday after I got home. W came into the same room and hung around until after the call was finished. W asked me what I wanted to talk about the night before - that was a short talk since we were both so tired.
Told her I wanted to talk about the future. Asked her what she felt the future was for us, and she said she didn't know, that nothing had really changed for her. I told her that it had for me - I am no longer sure I have the energy or desire to keep trying. She asked if I knew for sure what I wanted and I said I'm not 100% yet, but, I am leaning towards D.
Told her my thoughts were along these lines:
1. Long term damage done by my shortcomings in certain areas - I understand how she felt, and have apologized many times for not recognizing where and when she needed help (acts of service type) and there's no way I can change the past - but I have worked extensively on becoming a better person in general; which she did acknowledge. W said she hasn't been a saint either, and I told her that part was out of my control - I can only effect change on the actions and words I am responsible for.
2. We've both been unhappy for years - her longer than I. Also told her that our behaviors over the years lead to this and neither of us knew how to break the cycle.
3. I can't combat 24 years of unhappiness - I can't take it away, make up for it or even discuss it rationally since it was such a shock. W then stated she hasn't been unhappy for that long, and we discussed the talk we had prior to her new restaurant opening. She claims to not remember this conversation, but, could not look at me when discussing it. Told her I remember it vividly because it's been ringing thru my head almost daily since.
4. Essentially, we've been living in a loveless, sexless M for at least 10 years - ML once or twice every 3 - 4 months, qualifies as sexless to me. W doesn't think sex is that important in a R - I disagree.
5. Told W there were issues that I disagree with on a fundamental level WRT behavior that is conducive to a good M. Texting, talking and flirting with other men fall into that category; while I think it is wrong, it is equally wrong for me to try to change W's personality if she truly believes it's okay. W said she has stopped a lot of that since leaving her business since it did cause more drama in her life than she ever anticipated. (I avoided asking her why she still locks her phone if there's nothing on it she's ashamed of letting me see.)
6. Told her I was tired of the family bashing; she'd say something mean about my family, I'd respond in kind. It's not fair to either of us since neither family was any better than the other. W said she was just as hard on her family as mine, and I told her where her family was concerned it was her business and I was wrong to ever be involved in criticizing any aspect of her family.
7. We discussed the fact that our D's know something isn't right. We sleep in separate rooms, even when visiting family. (Looking back, W's G'ma & G'pa slept in separate rooms for more than 30 years - W may think that is perfectly acceptable - I think it was simply because they didn't believe in divorce) Told her I've been approached by both older D's about what's going on; that I've told them it's really not their business and regardless of what happens, she is still their mother, she still loves them and still deserves their respect.
After all of this, W asked me if there was anyone else in my life - the answer was NO! There is not. Told her that I felt like we've been married, but, living alone for so long that I just feel emotionally empty. W asked about parent's friend who's daughter we hosted the b'day party for. I told her yes, we talk - even offered her my phone so she could see the conversations and how often. No, there's nothing going on - that I am in no way ready for another R any time soon, especially considering the state of ours.
W said that she's seen how I look at her and that she thinks something is there; that she thinks it's 'a damsel in distress' situation. Told her, I understand how she could see that based on what we do know, but, I have no intentions of pursuit at all. Told W that, if she's working at my parent's house and I'm there, I do play with her kids, that this was no different than how I have acted with family, mutual friends in the past; or friends of just W.
W looked surprised overall, that I was considering D. Told W that I tried to respect her request back in December for a S - which she agreed I have. She then said that at her salary, she'll have a difficult time making it and said our combined incomes looked much better. I agreed and told her that she wouldn't have much in the way of new purchases to make when she decides to move, that I wasn't particularly attached to anything in the house. She said cell phones, rent, electric, car insurance, etc... would be tough on pay for on her salary; and I agreed.
I suggested we end the conversation there and we each think about things for a few days. We did make a few jokes and then she went to the living room to watch TV.
