This should have been a huge red flag to you that he did not want to talk to you and was only doing it to let you get it off your chest. Clearly he went into it not being receptive.
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I am so mad with myself, but I can't change it it is out there out to the universe and am thinking it is all done now.
Well it was a huge backslide to be sure, basically you're starting DB'ing all over again. That's OK, view this as a new start and redouble your efforts to be consistent in your DB'ing this time.
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H did asked me if I always felt that he put his job before me to which I broke down and said yes, I eventually during the 7 hour conversation (which went so quick) told him that I hated his job, always have that every time I had a discussion with him about how he was always gone with his job and the stress that put on me he would say he was going to do all of these things to change the situation and when there were No results, and I mean there were never any results...
In the future any discussions you have with H need to be started by him and driven by him. You LISTEN, don't TALK. Only say enough to encourage him to continue. Do not EVER bring up the marriage, relationship or divorce. Only talk about those things if HE brings them up. And if he does, shut up, listen and validate his emotions. What you did above was made the conversation all about your wants/ needs/ complaints and to put it bluntly- HE DOESN'T CARE. He doesn't want to hear about me, me, me. And 7 hours worth! Way too much pressure on any WAS.
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His job has been an issue in our marriage for a very long time...and it is not working late nights...it is working all week long, or month long at a site hours away from home, spending the night there...he puts his all into his work, and then there is nothing left for us.
What does HE think is wrong in the M? We know what YOU think, but that is not going to bring him back. You need to tell us what HE thinks is wrong, and you need to do 180's on those things.
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I also told him that living three hour away wa not going to allow him to be the father he always wanted to be for S, that S needed him in his life.
High pressure tactics do not work, because I bet if you're honest with yourself you did not have S's interests in mind, you were trying to guilt H into staying. And I'm sure H saw right through it.
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but did say that he was not willing to not be with another person because he had gone so long with out feeling loved.
THIS is the kind of stuff you need to pay attention to in conversations. You want to know why your H wants to end the M so you can do 180's on those things. A good validating response to this would have been "I hear you saying you didn't feel loved, can you tell me more about this, about why you didn't feel loved?" And pay attention to what he says, and do 180's on those things as much as you can within the framework of DB'ing.
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He would not let me into his space, anywhere close to him. He was so mad and angry with me, no love in him, when he told me he felt so 'wronged' I told him I was sorry he felt that way but also knew that he would never forgive me because H does not forgive people who have 'wronged' him.
That apology does not sound sincere at all because it's coupled with an accusation that he can't change and that he's wronging you (IE, he'll "never" forgive you).
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Discussed going to counseling...
Oh wow, I'm amazed that as poorly as this whole conversation went you would even think to bring up counseling.
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says he tried so many times to make things better to which I said I did not know my needs at the time and I could not tell him what they were.
Please understand, you have to change the way you think. You have to see things from HIS point of view, not yours. HE DOESN'T CARE what your needs are right now. You have to express concern for HIS needs! You seem to think that his needs are to fulfill your needs, but you didn't tell him your needs so that's why the M is crashing. No, he's leaving because he feels that HIS needs were not being met. So when you beat him over the head with YOUR needs like you did in this convo, you're just reinforcing to him that you don't care about him, it's all about you. I know that wasn't your intent, I'm just trying to help you see how he viewed that convo so you understand why not to go there again.
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Told h that he is and was my best friend, that I never ment to hurt him, I was protecting myself, that it was not right for me to always be in control and have my needs met first but that was the relationship that was established from the beginning and I see now that that is not ideal and I no longer want that.
OK, so above you say your fault in the M was that you always had to be in control and have your needs met first. And you acknowledge this is a mistake. Yet in this entire conversation you controlled the discussion and you made it all about your needs. This is what Michele calls in DR "more of the same" behavior. So let me ask you, what it a 180 on that behavior?
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H shut down during discussion a lot...I should have stopped...
Men's reaction to what we perceive as nagging is to shut down. And yes, you should have accepted that as the signal that things were going very poorly and you should have stopped. Actually you never should have started, if you read Sandi's DB tips (sticky at top of forum) it talks about never initiating convos like this.
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I said he has made me feel like I take full blame for the state of our marriage...I asked h if there was anything he was at fault for to which he imformed he had thought about it and had not come up with anything.
I think my head is going to explode, LOL! This reads like a synopsis of everything NOT to do in a conversation with a WAS. You can't guilt a WAS into coming back.
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There is so much more that happened in the discussion so many wrong turns...I should have held up and not gone there...should have come here first before deciding what to do!!! AH!!!
Print out Sandi's DB tips and read them at least once a day until you have a firm grasp of every one of them. They were instrumental in helping me to understand what to do and not do around W. They work wonders in diffusing the situation, if you follow them it removes all pressure from the WAS and will take away their incentive to push for divorce. I'm not saying it repairs all marriages, but I am saying it's your best shot.
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So sunday I arrived at home...H seemed sad and depressed...thinking being around S makes him think about things more
That's mind-reading. Don't do it.
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As he was leaving he started to lose it breaking down crying at the door. I could not help it I asked him twice if he was okay, told him I never wanted to be in a situation where he had to leave his home.
Next time ask "what are you feeling right now?" You want to encourage him whenever you can to discuss his feelings. Don't say "What's wrong?" or "Are you OK?" Because those imply there is something wrong with him and his defense to that will be to say "nothing's wrong". But if you ask what he's feeling it tells him it's OK to cry, and that you care about him and what he's going through.
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HE took his break to which I told him it was hard not to want to comfort him because he is my husband and my friend.
Pressure.
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I asked him to think if there was any bit of questioning on his part on whether this was right or not, then to think about it and think about maybe looking at it alittle more.
Pressure, pressure, pressure.
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Man I am embarrassed to even write the things that went on this weekend!!!
Don't be, you made a lot of mistakes, but if you talk about it here we can help point you in the right direction. That's what these forums are all about.
