Car is here, btw, and W has no problem with it. Son and I picked it up yesterday, and somehow via the kids, W heard we have it (she was at a theater piece with S last night). This morning, while looking for event tickets for dance teacher, his wife, my W and myself, W looks out window and says "I understand we have a car now", to which I replied "yes", and continued looking for tickets. She said "well, we'll continue to walk a lot", and I, "yes, I've grown used to it and like it", and all was peace.
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
STOP mentioning if W is okay with something. You wanted the car, you got one. End of discussion.
"She said "well, we'll continue to walk a lot", and I, "yes, I've grown used to it and like it", and all was peace. "
And STOP agreeing with her point of view all the time. I don't think I've seen a post where you actually told her 'no' about something and stuck to it. You sneak around her to do certain things, but you never say 'NO'.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
W had been being nice, sharing, and it seemed like my acting confident may have had something to do with this. It seemed like continuing to be so and perhaps extending my behavior would amplify this, but I wasn't sure how, and so it felt like no improvement was happening, hence the stalled feeling. Everyone being home for Easter vacation didn't leave me room to read and plan much, though it is great to have S and D here. Cunningham's list of attractive masculine qualities can help with setting goals here.
Yesterday was not such a good day. W casually mentions that she wants to go to bank to talk loan for house renovation. I counter with our realtor friend first saying we would not get the costs back to then saying maybe we might; W replies "of course we should renovate", and that I should not expect her to come back next year to paint if I then renovate next year (so message is, again: she is leaving). I then counter with what about splitting the costs over two years (advantages: cheaper due to tax breaks for each of us, and also that it requires W to stay at least a part owner of house for full cost reduction; I think keeping her as part owner may tie her to here and so by extension me. She could still sell, not get a tax deduction next year, and want her money now. My plan is currently to go to full loanable amount (we have room to easily loan as we have paid off a lot on house), part for the first half of the renovation, and the remainder for part of her payout).
Feel like my not improving my behavior further has caused this painful relapse into "I am leaving" on her part.
How easily words can upset me! Still not detached enough. She wants to go to bank today (it is 5am Friday morning now) to ask about loan.
D is now accepted to good high school in Stockholm, an hour away by train. W, if she really moves out (and she said this factually, without passion), will presumably want to be closer to Stockholm, as it is closer to her work also, and hence it will be much easier for D to stay with her (they are very close anyway). What will I do in a large, empty, house? D is something of a lifeline for me.
On the other hand, W, D and I drove to Stockholm yesterday, in the car, with no problem. Had a not bad time, at a plant nursery even (so she is still interested in gardening! mixed message! is she leaving, yes, no? is it just because she plans to be here for the summer and then leave anyway?) and then lunch and a museum.
Also on the other hand, we have booked tickets for the US trip, 10 days in Wyoming and Utah, together, with no having to time share the kids. W also asked if we should have a brunch for some friends next weekend. W is tough, organized.
If she will do this to me/us, I will do EE (I have still not booked flight to it, which extends my stay abnormally long this time in US, and may produce questions; must get this cleared up). W will not respect weekly group support sessions that EE continues with, viewing it as weak and an invasion of privacy.
I guess it boils down to detach, detach, detach, hide my pain, GAL more, follow Cunningham list, plan next steps.
Thanks for asking -
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Remember what Bond has told you about doing what "you" want. If you don't want to go to the bank, then don't. Just b/c W says it, doesn't make it law.
Glad that you see results of acting confident. As for needing time to plan things, choose a "Luke's Time" daily in order to plan ahead. Whenever your head is clear and you can think better.
Have you expressed your affection for your son in some casual way, since he's been home? Maybe a bear hug and say, "I'm so glad to have you home son!"
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
