My WAW - coming to terms with it all!

[25yearsmlc]

So, if I understand correctly, now that my wife has taken her ring off I am supposed to believe only half of what she does?

NOT "now that"...

b/c Once you left home & dropped your bomb on her, but you changed your mind and then she said not to come back, THAT was when you need to stop worrying or believing what she says or does--

b/c that's when she had rationalized enough and revised the marital history enough, to justify breaking up the family. (which I guess you had also done a week earlier?)

Even if you were a jerk, she will feel a sense of failure. Don't read into her sadness and grief and assume it's all her guilt. Besides, don't YOU feel any? I mean it's not as if she reached this decision on her own. You two fought, you got complacent and you stormed out and told her you wanted a divorce...remember?

I must say I get a "gloss over" feeling from you about your role in this. Don't you think she has any validity to her concerns?

And, if you were depressed, OWN that and tell me what you are doing about it.

It's a drag to be around - and instead of immediately diagnosing her as being just like you, just work on YOU. You are all you control and the more you focus on HER and her choices

the more you deflect away from changing the only person here that you can control, ie., you.

Make sense?


AND, I am supposed to just goet on with life and act positively around her...and continue to wear my ring around because it feels right for me?

if it does feel right for you then YES...and work on you. Show her that marriage to you can be better/different, with actions. NO promises or words unless she asks.

And as long as you two are getting along then BE GRATEFUL for that and stop pushing for more.

Seriously...give her some dang time...you might want to look at my signature block to get where I'm coming from on what a reasaonable time frame is....at least one month of true change for each year together...so when you finally begin making those choices...then she will start believing they are real.

I'm sure her biggest fear is that you two will reconcile and then things will revert back...

all you can do is show consistent change + sufficient time = change she can believe in.

Wont that just piss her off even more considering she is still so angry with me.

will what piss her off? You wearing your ring? um, You think taking it off will somehow calm her down? Get real...

say nothing about it and if she asks, act as if it slipped your mind... MAYBE say "i don't feel like taking it off...why, does it bother you that I'm wearing it?" But do not bring it up and ignore the fact that she not presently wearing it in your presence. She's making a point. Ignore it for now.


I am suffering big time and its so hard to just pretend that I am okay and GAL, staying positive. Isnt she just going to think that I am in denial.

well gee, so you think she'd find more of your depression and being miserable, attractive?
I think you're going to show her that you have had an awakening and that you HOPE you guys will work things out but the MAIN POINT NOW is that you are GAL and being fun and upbeat and warm and approachable and a great dad.

No woman is unmoved by good fathering to her children.

We are still married and I am not sure why I am hesitating to take it off...i


um, let me guess...b/c you're still married?
Hey that is how you feel so that's how YOU act...it's not really her business in a way and it's not your business if she's wearing hers. DETACH...

guess it goes back to sandi's tip No. 33

" do not give up no matter how bad you feel"

I feel pretty bad!

here's a piece on Detachment that is short but I think helpful.

And btw, there are many reasons for hope in your sitch that I'll get into later but keep posting. Have you gotten the Div Remedy Book yet?

Please read them when you get them...IMO, I'd start with that one (Div Busting is the first edition, which stresses a LOT on why divorce is bad news. I found the Div Remedy book slightly more focussed on how to fix things b/c hey we GET why divorce is bad news.) But essentially both books and this site are solution based. So going to a MC to get advice is usually, not always but usually , counter productive b/c they rehash the past and you spiral downward. You can shop around and ask for a "pro marriage" counselor OR a solution based one...they do exist but you have to hunt a bit.

Also do NOT give the books to your wife. That appears (and is) tactical...don't do it.

"This was originally posted by Peanut.
============
II. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done.

Our ego gets wounded, and we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.

We can not control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.

If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.

On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’

It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I can not control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."