Is there light at the end of the tunnel Part 1?

[Bel123]

First M talk without MC in 3 months.. so its along one

So this evening was interesting one. W came to the living room (where I sleep) while I was watching TV and sat down and said “so how does it feel to get fired from MC”. She is talking about the email from the MC that said until we are ready to work on the M or ready to split, there is not much she can do for us. Also, for us to work with our IC and see if we want to MC with a selected path. I told her that was sort of funny and that the MC wants to push it one way or another but if we (meaning her) is not ready then it is not useful.

She said there was something concrete she wanted to talk about. She said seeing me in sleeping on the couch is no good for either of us and that she feels bad seeing me sleep in the living room. That I should think about either making the living room my own space (not a common space), move to the basement, or get my own place. My clothes are still in the bed room and I usually get it out right after getting my son to sleep. My old self would have told her off and say she should feel lucky that I even left the room and that I will sleep where ever. I did say though that “this IS my house as well”. I told her I am sleeping here because I choose to and that if I wanted to move out, I would have. I was thinking about the situation when she kept asking me what I thought. I told her I am digesting it all in.

She mentioned how if we continue this way, it will get tough and we will be fighting. She said us spending time with S has been great and how other times are stressful for her. I told her I understand where she is coming from and that I am giving her space and not asking to hangout or talk about R. she said she agrees but she is still in stress most of the time. She said she doesn’t want to feel like jumping off the bridge. I told her that is not a good feeling and that I am sorry she feels that that. I don’t want to be your cause of unhappiness.

We talked some more about the M (her leading) and how we are putting up a front to the outside world of being happy. I told her I am not putting a happy face. She hasn’t told her parents about it and she was teary eyes and how she hasn’t even told them I have a D. she said she told me that I should tell them a long time ago but I honestly don’t remember. My parents and friends know so I was waiting for her to tell them. She was trying to figure out how to tell them so I told her that I will talk to her mother about it and let her know. She said how her mother will be mad at her for keeping it from her for so long. She said she didn’t tell them because she know how her mother would have not accepted me if she know. I told her that I have been ashamed and guilty for such a long time and that I have forgiven myself for it. I told her that her mother would understand. So tomorrow is when I will talk to MIL.

We talk some more about MC and I told her it was good and bad. It was good because I saw her point of it and she was venerable and able to share the things I never know but it was bad because it was so concentrated and how bad she was feeling in there. I told her that I don’t think we are ready for MC as we’d have to be ready to work things out. She asked if I am saying she is the one not ready to work things out. I told her we are both working on our own issues in IC and it is not helpful to work on it all at the same time. She asked me if I am ready to go to MC and I told her I don’t think it is best for our situation right now. She kept trying to push me into answer why I am not ready and I told her the same thing again.. it had its goods and bads but I don’t think we are there yet.
We talked about IC and how her IC and MC said they thing she has depression. I told her that I thought that way as well. She also said that I might have as well, I agreed and said I was talking about that to IC. She said hers has been for the last two years (during pregnancy was really bad). She is still putting all of it in the M and I did not agree or disagree with her. I said that sometimes M brings out things we had before in us. So I had to backtrack since when I speak in general terms she things I am talking about her. Sometimes I am but other time I am talking about myself. I told her for me there are things that I have to work on to figure out where it all comes from and how it has affected me and as well as the relationship. I told her I am not speaking for her and I am speaking for myself. I will let you tell me what you want to tell me and now assume things. We also talked about how we sort of lost our own self in the M and when the M went bad how we felt lost.

I did ask what she planned (didn’t ask if she wanted separation or divorce or anything) and she said doesn’t know but what we have now is not working and the living situation of me in the living room is painful for her. She also dropped “while we are talking about shitty subjects, I don’t see myself wanting to sleep with you again” (ouch that hurt), she said that I made her feel unwanted and unattractive and have hurt her so bad. I didn’t defend myself since I have heard this so many time in MC. I told her I feel bad she felt that way and wished she told me she felt that way before. She said that is something she has to deal with and knows it is not fair for me to keep waiting.

We talked some more about our S and how we hope he will turn out with fewer issues than us. I told her I hope he will be able to figure things up faster unlike me about feelings, emotion and how to express them. She said I wish I could tell her what I was thinking. I told her I am taking it all in and if she has a question to ask me.

So what am I to do here….. I don’t want to move out as financially as well as time with S will be cut. The basement would suck but I don’t like the living room either.

As far as my next step I don’t know. I am glad I did not bring up the OM. Bringing him up will have me flip out and because she lies about it. I know he is not the cause of the M issue but his presence does not help the situation. I will continue to 180 and GAL. I have noticed that even though I am 180 and I am sure W sees it, I need to be more happier. I need to be more positive for myself. I know I have hope of the M working out but I need to be more positive even if it does not. Some of these conversations are so painful and hurtful to sit through but I am very proud of myself for not defending myself or blaming her for any of it. I don’t have to agree with everything but her feelings are her feelings regardless of being a WAW or MLC or OM. All that is the reality now. All I can do is continue to improve myself for me and my kids.

Without these forums, I don’t know if I would have been able to deal with this situation so thanks to you all and your stories that inspire and uplift even if what we want does not always happen.