Wife opened up to me this week about things that she was upset and frustrated about. Things she expressed:
A feeling of anger and grief over the loss of her career that she sacrificed to stay home with kids. Well, isn't there some truth to ^^this? I'm a Lawyer and my h is an MD. I put him thru med school and our son was 8 WEEKS old when h began. In fairness to h, I doubt he knew anymore than I did about what was coming...but no way would I do that again...and heck YES I made several lateral moves, turned down a partnership offer, etc...all to make sure someone (= me) was home with our kids at night.
H could not do that for several years, and then he just would not do that b/c he was so used to being THE priority and having vacations and events centered around his horrendous work schedule, that if a child was sick and I was working, it was more or less understood that I would be the one to take off work. If by chance I was in trial our out of town, someone in my family or that I arranged for, would come in.
On the rare occasion where I could not make all the arrangements (like when my dad was suddenly dying), h did not take off work, he farmed the kids out to neighbors they barely knew. Or took them to the hospital and left them in the Operating Room lounge to watch a movie while he did a case...
I try not to think of things like that or I get mad again. But if you were to ask h now about it, he'd probably recall it fondly...
so why not validate that she did make a sacrifice but mention your gratitude for it? Ask what she thinks your kids would be like if she were working full time? Not to argue, but to explore...btw, my youngest was asked to define "latchkey kid" the other day and said she'd "never heard that word." I felt a little proud.
Frustration that she doesn't see a return to that career as a possibility anymore.
Frustration and a feeling of being overwhelmed by having to start over from zero on an education in pursuit of a new career. Are these fears valid? Getting a teaching certificate has been a real pain for me considering I have a doctorate. But it is doable. What would your wife do if she could do anything? What exactly is stopping her?
A feeling that she is getting older and time is getting shorter for her. join the club...but hey, we're living longer now too...and besides, I'll go nuts if all I contemplate is what I missed out on instead of what is still to come.
A need to find something that she can do to support herself. Something that she likes and enjoys (which leads full circle back to anger and grief over lost career that she loved). because...she wants to be on her own or she wants to be able to be?
She blames:
911 seriously? People DIED that day. And her concern is how her career was affected? It's been over a decade...time to adapt, like the thousands of people who lost family members or who still suffer breathing problems or lost their homes, etc...
Me for having a job that requires me to be away from home for me, this is a legit complaint^^^. But I Sense you are not willing to make any changes, correct? So if that cost you the marriage, is that a price you're willing to pay?
FYI , MOST women I know, do tire of absentee fathers/mates after awhile --and if it's not "temporary" and she has to stay home all the time...until the kids are all older...then
I have to ask...what did you think would happen?
Me for not accepting a work arrangement where we had opposite schedules (she didn't want a au pair living in our home and we both didn't want to do interstate commutes for us to live close to my family) Wow.. How far do you live from work? Why is this lifestyle your choice? I mean, it sounds crazy and unrelenting,
so my question is why not restructure your lifestyle? What are you waiting for...before you admit "it's not working"?
The challenge of having a special needs kid that's a tragic thing & I don't know what to say. Sure, I hear people say it's been a blessing in disguise. But I don't want to minimize it -- but then I don't want to be melodramatic either.
I don't recall the nature of your child's disability but it is, no doubt, a stressor on you both...and if your w is a SAHM, then it's triply hard for her. Dissatisfaction with me spending money on our home for pricey improvements.
well...?? Anything on that issue? I mean is there anything you're willing to work on at your end? I'm just asking...b/c you can "validate" all you want but what is it you are working on, since you said you are working on you?
She asked me if I knew what she wanted. I replied that she wanted quality time. Time spent together enjoying life. She told me she wants to do things like go to Africa, swim with great white sharks, go on Safari. Big experiences. She then sent me a link to a Youtube vid of Ken Block on a Gymkhana course in France. She says, "I want to do this"!!!!! what was your response to this??^^ Seems to me she's throwing you a lot of life lines..she has been giving a lot for a long time and her tank is nearly empty....so, what's up at your end?
Can she honestly expect her life and marriage to change or improve anytime soon?
She DID talk about us keeping our home for another 10 years. She did say something about the kids experiencing her vacation dreams too. I honestly can't remember if I was included or not. do you want to be included? From this post, I can't tell...
I keep listening and validating. (and making my changes!)
At least she keeps talking.
Sometimes.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
