Sounds like you handled that exchange with your W very well. As far as a D being devasting financially for you don't let that be the reason you dont move on. You can recover financially. I know that it won't be easy for me financially but I can't live the way my W wants to anymore.
M 44 W 43 S 23 S 15 INILWY 9/11 Divorce Mediation started 3/13 June 30 the day W is moving out
I reviewed finances, mortgages, etc. last night. It might not end up as bad as I thought. My parents have agreed to let me live with them with S for 1-2 years while I save up a down payment for a smaller place. They have a large house with plenty of space. It's not the ideal situation, but it would allow for some stability while I get back on my feet.
I started reading about D process. W would probably be willing to do it ourselves to avoid paying lawyers.
The more I read about D, the more I get sick to my stomach. I don't want a D. I want a happy and healthy relationship with W. I just don't know if that's ever a possibility... It's always been this same cycle. At some point enough is enough...
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
A brief list- -Stopped asking her about her whereabouts constantly as this bothered her -stopped playing "20 questions" whenever she got home -stopped talking about R constantly -started dressing better -I spent more time with friends and family, rather than sitting around he house -validating nearly every conversation.. She even mentioned I was "Like yoda" -acted as if I was fine whenever I was around her. Acted like I would be fine no matter the outcome. -took a larger interest in politics and current events, something that interests her. _________________________
Okay, so had you been asking her a lot of questions before the bomb, or did it only start afterwards?
I can understand how why you would have a problem with assurances, but if you fell back into those old patterns, it could be very smothering to her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
A brief list- -Stopped asking her about her whereabouts constantly as this bothered her -stopped playing "20 questions" whenever she got home -stopped talking about R constantly -started dressing better -I spent more time with friends and family, rather than sitting around he house -validating nearly every conversation.. She even mentioned I was "Like yoda" -acted as if I was fine whenever I was around her. Acted like I would be fine no matter the outcome. -took a larger interest in politics and current events, something that interests her. _________________________
Okay, so had you been asking her a lot of questions before the bomb, or did it only start afterwards?
I can understand how why you would have a problem with assurances, but if you fell back into those old patterns, it could be very smothering to her.
I had been asking a lot of questions last fall, before the bomb on 10/8/2012. I haven't asked questions since then. I gave her the freedom she wanted.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
Got home from work tonight... She had dinner on the table like normal. We had small talk, mostly about S.
She asked what my plans for the night. I told her I was thinking about continuing to clean the office. I asked her what she had planned. Her, "I was thinking about going to hear <friend>'s band. They have an early show tonight so I don't have to be out late... Unless you wanted to talk." Me, "I see. Well, I don't really know that I have much more to say right now. Do you?" Her, "I guess not."
I spent the next hour or so loving some time with S. W got ready to go out.
Oddly, she put on her ring before she left. I know I shouldn't look into this, and I'm really not. It was just something I noticed since she hasn't put it on in days.
As she left she I was holding S. she gave him a kiss and then lightly scratched the side of my head.
I don't know where she's at with this R. She clearly isn't "in." She hasn't hugged or really touched me since we talked Monday night. She's also avoided being around much when I'm home.
I can't decide if I should go back into full blown DB mode or go file...
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
Well SG you have to ask yourself just how long can you live like this. Seems like our sitchs have some similarities. Do you think rhat you could ever trust your W again? It isn't easy but it can be done IF she wants to R which it doesn't sound like she wants right now.
It sounds to me like she can live like this forever. As far as her scratching your head well to me it's like she is giving you scraps.
M 44 W 43 S 23 S 15 INILWY 9/11 Divorce Mediation started 3/13 June 30 the day W is moving out
Well SG you have to ask yourself just how long can you live like this. Seems like our sitchs have some similarities. Do you think rhat you could ever trust your W again? It isn't easy but it can be done IF she wants to R which it doesn't sound like she wants right now.
It sounds to me like she can live like this forever. As far as her scratching your head well to me it's like she is giving you scraps.
I agree... she's throwing scraps. Nothing of any value was exchanged by her scratching my head.
I was angry this morning... she works tonight. She offered to have dinner ready and offered to make me breakfast since we were out of my normal grab-and-go breakfast. I snapped at her. I was angry that she stayed out late with no indication of what she was doing. She used to share some details... I know she's hiding something.
The ring she was wearing when she left last night wasn't on her finger this morning. It also wasn't in the place where she puts it while sleeping. Makes me wonder if she threw it in her purse when she walked out the door.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
Don't fret over the ring thing. She may have worn it thinking she could "use"it if other guys tried to hit on her. Ironic, I know, but whatever it was, it was for her benifit while she was at the show. It was't to make any statement to you.
If she is a serial cheater, it may not stop until she seeks help from a professional who can get to the root of the cause. If she refuses, then no matter how great you are, there's always that chance she'll pursue another A.
When this A has ended, she may want you for her rebound relationship.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Oh man, ours is a similar sitch. Mine just started in 11/2012, so looking at yours, I'll give myself a break for still standing.
Nothing here but understanding. Big Hugs!!
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Oh man, ours is a similar sitch. Mine just started in 11/2012, so looking at yours, I'll give myself a break for still standing.
Nothing here but understanding. Big Hugs!!
Thanks, Tallula. Unfortunately my situation has been going on much longer... I just can't fit it all in my signature. I first started posting here in July 2010, 6 months into my marriage. Either I'm a sucker or too hopeful for change. Maybe both.
Hugs to you as well! The support here is great.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
