M1, Thanks for that. When I read your question I said "Man, do you have me there." It's something that's hard to think about while in this fog. Unfortunately, as of now I haven't heard from W for over 2 weeks now. I think the intentional detaching after the BD is backfiring. It makes my stomach turn that the only way I had got her attention to talk about things was telling her I was considering reducing her monetary support after I asked if she plans to continue seeing OM. She's said that she thinks she plans to continue her A (I'll call it that since I don't know if it's an EA or PA)with OM. She expressed the A did not come about until after the BD. Then again I don't want to impact the kids in any way they don't deserve that. My S has been calling me almost every night and all of a sudden it stopped over the weekend and I've sent him text messages letting him know I tried to call him. FIL said the kids have been babysat lately by one of her brothers. It's either because she's pulling an evening shift or out playing with OM. I can't sleep right now because I'm thinking about it. But as far as the last interaction, I just told her that I didn't want to fight anymore because I didn't like the angry person that she was bringing out of me from all this. After that I felt better and the next day we had a civil chat about things and she then told me about her day at work. We ended on a good tone. It's weird, because of my detaching in the past, now I know maybe what she's felt by not hearing from me all those times. I really failed in staying in touch and listening to what she has to say and taking a genuine interest in her activities so I can ask about them later. I'm working on that with my interactions with others as practice. Listen to them and recall what they told me so we can chat about things later. I thought the dust has settled, but I'm not sure now. I've been seeing an IC and she's been wonderful in helping me get focused on taking care of me. I've been working out and doing GAL more. My fitness is the core support for me since I do it at home and I have a FB support group to be accountable to one another. They are my rock next to the IC. I've been loosening the budget belt a little so I can do more fun things with others. I've been on the path and still am working on becoming debt free by 2015. I know that $ was an issue even though W denies it. For the times we'd visit one another, we'd always be limited on things we could do because of it.
OK, what I shoulda, coulda, woulda done differently was pay more attention to her by giving compliments, hugs for no reason, flowers for no reason, and treat her well by doing the "little things." She was always doing thoughtful things for me and I just haven't been wired that way. I'll have my rare moments, but it usually took some thought and planning. The other thing I would've done differently was put family first rather than my job. I screwed up on that one.
I'll need some time to figure out what love means to me. I'm not quite sure right now. My vows? I get that. I've been faithful ever since and I'm now trying to hold on "for better or worse, for richer for poorer." Yes, I foolishly endorsed the ILY omission. My future right now is going to be completely centered around staying near my children. Luckily I was planning to stay in Europe, but possibly not having a home to retire to (with the family) is making it difficult and taking away my emotional support structure. I do have a good R with IL's but that may get awkward if things don't go well. Thankfully legal stuff isn't happening yet. She did say that when I come to visit in Aug (I'm thinking I need to visit earlier)that we can go to the gov't building and do the paperwork. Oh goody, just what I'll be looking forward to! (sarcasm) What she's completely missing is that I have an entire 3 bdrm house filled with stuff (a lot of hers) and because she wants to call it quits, I'll have to move into a small flat(apt) which will not be able to handle all of it. And I'm not paying to have her stuff shipped. The gov't will do one final move when I retire. My only option is to have a massive garage sale. I told her that I will do nothing until she decides what she wants to do with all of the stuff here.
Tomorrow I see a career advisor to help me with my resume and CV. The irritating part is that I have to decide which country I will be applying for residency by this time next year. It was so easy before the BD when I had the simple plan of just joining my family and the rest will come.
OK. Done venting. Thanks for your thought provoking advice, M1.
