Not confused, still emotional, getting very angry

[BRNR]

Wow...someone once said answers come when you least expected...I just got an email from H...I do not plan on respondeing until tomorrow...but everyone please read and offer opinions. I think it is a temperature check email to me


You know, over these past months it has been very difficult for both of us. Both of us have been trying to find our way and gain some sanity. I've been working really hard to do that. And I know you have too. Both of us trying to make amends, apologizing, and being civil towards each other. And I'm sorry for all of the things that have happened. Obviously if we could turn back the hands of time and fix it we would. Unfortunately life doesnt work that way as we have seen by the struggles we endured over the years. With both know where we failed and for me it doesn't make sense putting salt into old wounds. Our seperating happened. It svcks to say this! I only wanted my family and the goals we were aiming for. I didnt want to start over in my life with 1/32 the items I worked my ass off for. I didnt want to lose my wife because my heart had changed because of the circumstances we both put ourselves in. I didn't want to only see my boys for fifteen minutes a day, two nights for a couple hours, and every other weekend. And I sure as hell didn't want to put you or the boys through so much pain. It hurts my heart so much to think of these things. I cry so much over all of this and wished it never happened. And I find myself not only trying to work through these past events but try and figure out the future. As you are doing the very same thing! I don't want you to have an empty void in your life. I don't want you to wait for me to figure me out. It's not fair to you! And I'm so sorry for so many things!!!!!!! I could have been better! I could have tried even harder! I just felt like all of the fight for our marraige had left me. It was such a depressive state and in some ways it still is. Obviously you have been working so hard to see all that I have expressed to you. Viewing life as I always wanted you to, as so many things in life are so amazing. Soaking up the little things and times with our boys as they are by far the greatest achievement and happiness ever in my life. Stepping out of your comfort zone....within reason, lol....and enjoying yourself more. I know you have done these things and found that inner you I always knew was there. And if anything has come from this I am glad you finally seen the real you. You are a good person and I know that whole heartedly. And I know we are both sorry for all of this.

I know there has been something going on in your head lately. You won't even look at me for longer than two seconds when I've been talking to you. And realistically I don't have rights to know this info and you don't have to tell me. Maybe it's because of the limbo we've been in, maybe it's becuse you have your same feelings towards me and talking or seeing each other makes it more painful. Or maybe your completly disgusted with me for leaving you. I've thought of a lot of different reasons. But again, your feelings, your thoughts, and it's none of my business if you don't want to share.

I don't want us to have these awkward times. I want us to be able to talk to each other. I want us to be able to move forward. I know that is still hard. But I also know that the limbo for sure is not healthy. All my fault!!!! Me not knowing the future. Me not knowing how to feel towards everything that has happened. Me not being able to find the directions back to your heart. And I'm sorry I can't give you the answer you so longed for. Maybe it's not the answer you long for. I don't know that answer at this time really.

I want you to be able to heal!!!!!! And guessing what I'm doing and weather or not I find myslef back to you doesn't help you do this.

I'm trying to tell you my thoughts. Don't really know how else to express myself. I want to heal and move forward too! There are still so many things to talk about. I wanted to reach out and start a conversation about the future.

Thanks for reading this,

H