Not confused, still emotional, getting very angry

[BRNR]

I am trying to work on my internal timeline, I have one, but and would love to hear from experienced DB'ers on the subject. Anyone want to share their realistic journey through time...

[BRNR]

Midlife for Dummies...what a great read.

I was already feeling good today , but this made me realize how important it is to let go, GAL, move on, and detach...

I shared this with a friend who went through his own sitch four years ago and he said it described his W to a T during that time...his sitch lasted 8-9 months and they got back together...I wish we could all get that lucky...and he said he gained a better marriage for it.

Now that warmer weather is upon us, I just asked a work friend to help me sort out all the yard equipment and show me how to use it...H used to do all the yard work, so with spring right around the corner things should be fun to say the least.

So nothing really new to report...H has also gone dim/dark...no more texting me. I am okay for it though as it has been quite peaceful not being pulled into his drama...

[TSquared2]

HI BRNR,

My W has been doing the same for a long time...comes out for a while, then goes dark/dim or "inside" (since we still live together...I think with her at least its part of the ruminate, process, talk, ruminate, process, talk cycle...maybe for yours?

I agree that its a nice break sometimes when they go inside for a while...I hope he is doing some good internal work right now...
T^2

[BRNR]

I agree that its a nice break sometimes when they go inside for a while...I hope he is doing some good internal work right now...

T^2 - It is sooo nice. Who would have ever thunk I would feel this way (so happy to be ignored).

But on the downside, while I hope he is working on himself, I highly doubt that. As Snodderly said before, and I agree, I am sure he sees it as a punishment for me as he is still in replay. But if H is, than all I can say is "I wish him the best"...and the same to your W too! They will eventually need to do this...

[BRNR]

Wow...someone once said answers come when you least expected...I just got an email from H...I do not plan on respondeing until tomorrow...but everyone please read and offer opinions. I think it is a temperature check email to me


You know, over these past months it has been very difficult for both of us. Both of us have been trying to find our way and gain some sanity. I've been working really hard to do that. And I know you have too. Both of us trying to make amends, apologizing, and being civil towards each other. And I'm sorry for all of the things that have happened. Obviously if we could turn back the hands of time and fix it we would. Unfortunately life doesnt work that way as we have seen by the struggles we endured over the years. With both know where we failed and for me it doesn't make sense putting salt into old wounds. Our seperating happened. It svcks to say this! I only wanted my family and the goals we were aiming for. I didnt want to start over in my life with 1/32 the items I worked my ass off for. I didnt want to lose my wife because my heart had changed because of the circumstances we both put ourselves in. I didn't want to only see my boys for fifteen minutes a day, two nights for a couple hours, and every other weekend. And I sure as hell didn't want to put you or the boys through so much pain. It hurts my heart so much to think of these things. I cry so much over all of this and wished it never happened. And I find myself not only trying to work through these past events but try and figure out the future. As you are doing the very same thing! I don't want you to have an empty void in your life. I don't want you to wait for me to figure me out. It's not fair to you! And I'm so sorry for so many things!!!!!!! I could have been better! I could have tried even harder! I just felt like all of the fight for our marraige had left me. It was such a depressive state and in some ways it still is. Obviously you have been working so hard to see all that I have expressed to you. Viewing life as I always wanted you to, as so many things in life are so amazing. Soaking up the little things and times with our boys as they are by far the greatest achievement and happiness ever in my life. Stepping out of your comfort zone....within reason, lol....and enjoying yourself more. I know you have done these things and found that inner you I always knew was there. And if anything has come from this I am glad you finally seen the real you. You are a good person and I know that whole heartedly. And I know we are both sorry for all of this.

I know there has been something going on in your head lately. You won't even look at me for longer than two seconds when I've been talking to you. And realistically I don't have rights to know this info and you don't have to tell me. Maybe it's because of the limbo we've been in, maybe it's becuse you have your same feelings towards me and talking or seeing each other makes it more painful. Or maybe your completly disgusted with me for leaving you. I've thought of a lot of different reasons. But again, your feelings, your thoughts, and it's none of my business if you don't want to share.

I don't want us to have these awkward times. I want us to be able to talk to each other. I want us to be able to move forward. I know that is still hard. But I also know that the limbo for sure is not healthy. All my fault!!!! Me not knowing the future. Me not knowing how to feel towards everything that has happened. Me not being able to find the directions back to your heart. And I'm sorry I can't give you the answer you so longed for. Maybe it's not the answer you long for. I don't know that answer at this time really.

I want you to be able to heal!!!!!! And guessing what I'm doing and weather or not I find myslef back to you doesn't help you do this.

I'm trying to tell you my thoughts. Don't really know how else to express myself. I want to heal and move forward too! There are still so many things to talk about. I wanted to reach out and start a conversation about the future.

Thanks for reading this,

H

[job]

See, when you sit quietly, the answers will drop in your lap. From his email, he's having some moments of clarity. His guilt has been eating at him and yes, your going dim has made him realize that you could very well move on.

For this moment, he's baring his soul to you. However, tomorrow or the next day, he could clam up once again. He's realizing what he's lost, but he's not done the work of healing yet. He hasn't mentioned one word about seeing a professional to work on his issues. Notice he's mentioned that he doesn't want you to wait on him? He's still got a ways to go and this is mlc lingo.

If and when you are ready to respond back, you might want to say something like this: "H, thank you for your email. I appreciate the fact that you opened up and shared your thoughts with me. I'm sorry you are having to go through this and I do hope that you find a way to heal." Now, it's up to you if you want to meet with him to discuss the future, but I think I would wait on that until after Easter.

BTW, I got an email very similiar to this from my xh right after my bil was killed. We had been divorced approximately 3 1/2 years and he had gone on to marry twinkle twat. I responded w/the language that I posted above.

Hang in there. He's still got a long way to go. Stay the course and keep to your boundaries.

[BRNR]

Snodderly, thanks for the advice. I agree that he has not done the work of healing yet, but from the sounds of it, it doesn't really sound that he is trying to rather than just hoping he wakes up "healed".

I am not certain he is worried of me moving on, as I think there is a lot of undertone in his email that he wants to move on...without me. Fine his choice. And that is how I took the comment of "don't wait for me..."

Maybe I am wrong on this...still don't know much about the MLC script...

Is it wrong that I really despise how much he states his opinions of my feelings and thoughts. For someone who walked away from ME, you wouldn't think he would care anything about my feelings. I would somehow like to address that in my response to him, but not sure how yet...

He still does have a long way to go...

[JBolt]

Both of you have been trying to gain your sanity?!?! Not quite.

It's just my opinion (of course), but I wouldn't respond with an f'ing thing. Didn't you know a lot of this already? Sounds mostly like script to me, not answers. Let him wonder what's going on in your head for a change.

"I know I hurt you, I'm hurting too!" Whatever. My W sent me pretty much the same thing around Xmas "I'm sorry for what I never was and couldn't be", this after 25 years together. Sheesh. It was the least contrite 'Dear John' letter I've ever read. My advise: Let him stew.
J.

[JBolt]

I am not certain he is worried of me moving on, as I think there is a lot of undertone in his email that he wants to move on...without me. Fine his choice. And that is how I took the comment of "don't wait for me..."

That's called "guilt" and it's baffling when they don't realize how transparent they are. Don't let him insult your intelligence like this, "don't wait for me" = "I can't face what I've done". Boo-hoo.
J.

[sunshinelewis]

I agree with Snodderly and JBolt also.

He is fishing as to what is going on with you. He cant stand not knowing whats going on!
Let him wonder awhile. Do what you have been doing.
If you respond, write what Snodderly told you too....not a long response either.
Dont be hateful and dont be sweet.

Keep up the good work. It's killing him.
and for the record, they all say move on. Dont let me bait you.

Hugs,
Renee