Still on here daily but haven't updated my sitch. Always seem to have a hard time explaining things, so I figured I'd just start typing and see where it takes me...this may be all over the place so I apologize ahead of time. All in all things have been going really well. In fact if you told me when our sitch/BD started in May that we'd be where we are now, I never would have believed it. I am so grateful to have another chance with the love of my life. Saying that, I still struggle a lot. Not knowing what the future holds is something I have a hard time dealing with. We still haven't had a R talk since October. (We started piecing in June, but I found out in October that she still had "just friendly" contact with OM. When I found out I basically dropped the rope and she instantly had a change of heart and said she was committed to our M 100% . She wrote me a letter you can see in my first thread). Although all her actions point to her still feeling the same way she felt when she wrote the letter, its been 6 months since then and I still feel like I want her to tell me. To confirm her actions. I been tempted just to ask her but I guess I'm scared. I'm scared she told me everything I wanted to hear in the heat of the moment of me dropping the rope and that she may still not feel that way and just isnt telling me. She told me so many hurtful things during BD in May (ILYBINILWY, hadn't been attracted to me in a long time, had 1 foot out the door, etc) and it still makes me second guess everything. Although it has slowly seemed to get better, the trust still isn't 100% back. I've checked the phone bills a couple times over the last couple months and as soon as I open them up my stomach starts to go in knots. I know all of this stuff is going to take time, but I'd be lying if I didn't say thoughts of my M don't consume much of my thoughts. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Last week, for the first time in a long time, our sitch kind of came up. W came to me in the morning sobbing after she dropped the kids of at school. She said she saw our family friend that originally exposed her A. (Side note: This family friend saw her kissing OM in his car at the kids school, she then called to tell my sister and my brother. My brother then called my W to tell her she needed to tell me or he would. That started the ball rolling on sitch). So when W saw this friend when she was dropping kids she started thinking about "what if our kids find out what she did". She said she didn't want to talk about it but she just wanted to tell me why she was upset. I validated and told her I'm here if she wants to talk about it. To be honest it was nice to hear her feelings of guilt. I know that's sounds bad, but she never expressed that much guilt to me and the only time she apologized for A was during MC when she was kind of put on the spot. I was hoping this guilt, or whatever it was, would bring her closer to me, but it didn't really seem to. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Sex has been pretty limited the last few weeks. Whenever this happens I find the many of the negative thoughts mentioned above ^^^^ building up. She denied many of my advances over this time but I've tried to remain compassionate and understanding. I finally asked her about it last night (after getting rejected again). She said she just hasn't been feeling sexual lately. She believes its from stress related to starting her new business and its potential impact on our finances and us. I'm obviously understanding to this but I have a hard time wondering if anything else is bothering her. She said there isn't so I have to leave it at that. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sorry for the long post. I don't want to seem overly negative, I tend to come on here to vent
M-38 W-32 D7, S4 M-10 BD-May '12 S for 1 month-June '12 Reconcile, Piecing
