Heart of the Matter

[labug]

Thanks Ruby and vero-there were times when I didn't think I would be OK I was so deep in a hole. So take heart everyone here who thinks they can't change, you are the only one standing in the way of your change.

Acc, I came here to post the rest of the story and it is as you say; I allowed my automatic response to kick in and the shame and blame monster was unleashed.

When I described what happened to my IC she just looked at me with a half-smile and asked how I felt about the interaction.

I told her that I was unhappy with my response because I felt out of control. I know that in these charged situations I should stop and think but adrenaline is a powerful hormone and I let it control me. My life was not in danger, the response was over the top.

I also knew that when I told him it was disrespectful to show up at that time without calling that I pushed it over the edge.

IC helped me see that even tho my message might be good (boundaries) my delivery was poor. I went from "what I need" to "what you(H)did wrong".

We were also operating with 2 differing sets of facts. And I interpreted his showing up as rude instead of stopping and allowing myself to think "hey, what's up with him being here so early? I need more information." Then I could have asked what was going on and we might have had an actual conversation instead of a shame and blame fest that left us both sad and/or angry.

Interpreting other people's behaviors is such a destructive activity.

IC and I then discussed sending an email to H because I was not the person I want to be on Sat morning. Other people should not drive my responses and how I act is my responsibility. I wanted to send the email because of who I want to be, not that I'm trying to make nice with H so he won't be mad which would have been me in the past.

This apology would be for me.

So I sent this:

I certainly wasn't being the person I want to be on Sat morning. I'm sorry and I hope you'll accept my apology. I was caught off guard and embarrassed when you walked in and I allowed that discomfort to cause me to react in a way that was rude and accusatory towards you. I think we were both operating without all the facts, as I didn't know you were coming and you seemingly thought S would have told me. S tells me very little of his interactions with you unless I ask a direct question and I don't do that often because it's uncomfortable for him. Also, I didn't see S much last week due to my schedule.

Would you be willing to let me know with a short email when you will be at my house? Let me know what you think about this.

I feel better, I'm keeping my side of the street clean.