Thanks AS. And actually, that kind of behavior is fairly common for her where my friends and family are concerned. If it were her friends and family and I acted that way, there'd be hell to pay.
I don't know that W can put things behind her. She definitely holds grudges - I'd say at an unhealthy level. What sparked a lot of this drama in late 2011 was an event that reminded her of something else that happened in 2003. The 2011 event was a trigger and it was enough to put her over the edge she was already standing on. Since then, she has wanted out. Two times she has acted like she wanted to reconcile, but, that was very short lived.
When added to that the fact we were both unhappy, and for such a long time, we both feel there's nothing here to salvage except maybe a friendship - for the D's sake. We can laugh at jokes, watch TV, listen to music, clean the house - basically just get along. There's absolutely zero romantic interest from either side at this point. Maybe with counselling it could be found, but, W is completely dead set against counselling - not going to happen in this millennium.
To be honest, I think I'm emotionally exhausted from all of this. It's been a rough couple of years, and even from 2006 - 2011 were far from peaceful. Add in the fact there are several boundaries I have that she will in no way agree to (we did discuss this a little this morning), it's just best to end it while we're still capable of getting along.
I've done a lot of self analysis over the last two months, some of it quite painful. I've certainly made mistakes, and while I can never take those back, I have at least learned from them. No idea what self evaluations W has done, or even if she feels the need. W has acknowledged the changes I have made, and has said I am much closer to who I used to be - but that's not enough. She still believes you shouldn't have to work at love. She still believes her happiness lies in the hands of others.
While I was definitely angry over her behavior at the party, I have forgiven her. Yes, it was embarrassing, but, I doubt she even realizes how she came across - and I could be wrong about this. I still want health and happiness for her. But, until she she realizes she's the one in control of finding happiness, she may never find it.
