Running out of steam

[mrtwopointfour]

I guess I should feel grateful that W will not leave house yet as she has nowhere to go, needs a ft job and knows that she would need to leave kids here which would cause problems for me work wise. I am grateful to her for that, she could have walked out which would have been easier for her emotionally. I think we both find it hard to live together but we are getting on, even if I feel we are both pretending sometimes.

[Cadet]

2.4

If in fact it is MLC, nothing that you do is going to make this any faster, however by trying to work on the marriage, touching, pursuing, saying "You look good" is going to slow down the process.

This is all conterintuitive.
The best thing is to push her and OM together so you are meeting none of her "NEEDS" and he must meet them all.

You do not want to be in a relationship with her while she is in one with someone else.

[mrtwopointfour]

Hi Cadet,

Thanks again for keeping up with my posts!

The reason I think its a MLC is mainly due to how quickly this came on. It was literally a w/e away with her friend and W came back a different person. From that point on she was cold and never came near me, almost as if she had found out about me having an affair or something (which certainly is not the case!). This lasted for a good few months before I found anything out about W talking to OM, and her confession.

If I read about MLC I can put a tick next to every point on the list of 'symptoms' to want of a better word. Death of parent, history of depression, weight loss, taking more care in appearance, wanting to be independent & not caring about how she gets there, EA with OM (possibly PA), but most of all its like aliens came down and swapped my W for somebody I don't know. W claims to have had a breakdown that w/e when she discovered she should never have M me, was not in love with me, and never was. Other than the breakdown part I of course do not believe any of that, nobody can fake 15 years of not loving somebody, or 9 years of M. Before all this happened, I always doubted whether I was in love with her enough, because she seemed to always be telling me how much she loved me, how she hoped i would never leave her, how I was getting more attractive with age!

I am not sure of the difference yet between MLC and WAS, sure they are all based on a crisis of some type, and i don't even know if it matters - its not going to change where I am.

The fact is however, that no matter what is going on with my W, something has triggered it, and I take 50% responsibility for that. So I guess we are both going through a crisis of our own is some respects, its just I am aware of mine.

[Cadet]

There is no difference for YOU between WAS or MLC.
The difference for a WAS is that they have been telling you for years to blah, blah and got fed up waiting for you to make changes and went and found some one else.

An Affair.

VS MLC an affair may be part of the symptoms.

And people do describe their spouses as MLC WAS.

And yes their crisis triggers one in us.
So we must lead the way out of our own crisis.

And in the process we will lead them out of their.

However the focus is on YOU!

[mrtwopointfour]

Anybody got any advice on this one?

I have MC booked, but W has commented do I need to go anymore?

Its true, I probably don't at the moment, but it would be good to talk to somebody. However, if W thinks I am going to MC, does it look like I am not coping as well as my PMA is showing?

[Spartan]

Couple things:

I've heard horror stories of couples going to MC before one of them was ready so I wouldn't push for her to go at all (not that you are, just saying...)

it would be good to talk to somebody. However, if W thinks I am going to MC, does it look like I am not coping as well as my PMA is showing?

Seems like you answered your own question. What difference does it make what your W thinks? If you need it to help you on your journey then do it. People with PMA's go to counseling all the time, in fact I think the C helps them to get things off their chest to maintain the PMA. I would think of it more as IC and not MC.


As Cadet said it doesn't make any difference if she's MLC or WAS, you need to concentrate on you. Many people on these boards have spent countless hours trying to figure out which their S was and I think every one looks back and wishes they would have spent that time on themselves.

My take, once you have general idea of what you're dealing with (i.e. that there may be a bat$hit crazy alien in your S's body and it's going to take a LONG time for them to return your S) that's probably enough time spent on the topic.

[moth76]

Just wanted to say as someone in the early stages of this whole thing I can attest to having wasted valuable time trying to decipher what my W was going through. As if putting a label on it would somehow make it go away. I think it doesn't matter if spouse is WAS, MLC or if I actually am The Prince of Darkness ruining everyone's life. The answer from the vets is the same: fix yourself

[mrtwopointfour]

I've heard horror stories of couples going to MC before one of them was ready so I wouldn't push for her to go at all (not that you are, just saying...)

Luckily I had some strange feeling when this first started that I needed to see MC on my own, mainly as W said she had no interest, and also that i wanted to vent. I am so glad I did this now, so in fact by pure luck I told my W not to come and it is indeed IC.

Yes, I know you are all correct. It does not matter which it is - its looking after ME that counts. I am trying very hard to look after me, but the more I try, it seems the better myself and W get on, and then I fall into the trap of thinking things are getting better - perhaps relax a little, forget my goals and 180's and then have to wake myself up again. I know its a false sense of security as if W was asked right now what her intentions were it know that it would 100% be that she wants D and her own life. (don't worry I have no intention of asking!).

[Maritimer]

Lurking on this thread as there are so many similarity's I can relate to in my situation. Like a switch has been flicked and someone took over her. WAW or MLC? The EA. The hot and cold attitude toward us, you see a glimmer of hope then.. BAM you're the worst person on earth.

The hardest one was when she did up a parenting plan. Fortunately here in Canada the courts encourage a 50 50 split so she can never take my kids away unless I do something really stupid.

You seem to be on the right track, it is the hardest thing you will ever go through and the road is long. Luckily this forum has many people going through similar situations and is a great support network.

Try not to take what she says or does personally and continue to work on yourself. Greener pastures are ahead.

[mrtwopointfour]

Thanks Maritimer, I'll take a look at your posts to see where you have been and got to etc. Good to meet you and thanks for your encouraging words.

We too are going 50/50 - which is great, I am all for it. But how does that help W be her own person and independent? In my mind it locks us together and makes us more tied down as we can only ever live near each other, work in the same city as we do, and half the week you need to be there for the kids. Again, don't get me wrong, I don't care - i am not pushing for life apart, and the kids are what count here. But for W - I can't help but feel its going from a R with the opportunity for much more freedom (i.e. me there to look after kids and vice versa), to creating a life that is locked to somebody you are not married to anymore and sticking to set days with kids. Its almost like being on probation. So instead of W throwing in the towel and giving up to move into this new 'perfect life'. Why not roll up her sleeves and try and resolve whats gone wrong and make the current situation work. So frustrating.