Ok. Update on my situation. I am an idiot. For the past two week, XW and I have been seeing each other on a fairly regular basis, and we have even been out alone a few times. She has been texting me and telling me how much she enjoys being with me. Good news, right. Well, I got scared and selfish. I wanted more (of course). I was not satisfied with how our relationship was progressing. I suggested that we stopped doing this and just concentrate on the children. Why? Again, selfishness and fear. She stated that she was enjoying our time together and thought things would work out. I immediately did a 180 (not a db 180) and explained to her my selfishness and fear. She said she would agree to continue what we are doing. I am very thankful for that.
My question, I wonder how much time I have not set us back to a possible R? How do I continue to act/talk with her to give her the security that I will not suggest walking away again?
BD: 8/20/2012 W Files: 8/23/2012 S: 8/25/2012 (I moved out) D Final: 3/5/2013
So, you filed, had a date, she got jealous, the two of you started seeing each other after the D....and it wasn't going fast enough so you tried to back out?
I wasn't surprised that she got jealous, and it often takes setting them free and somebody else showing attention to you in order for them to be attracted again. But I don't understand what you mean by saying you were being selfish. I can probably guess what you meant by "wanting more".
You had an opportunity to start with a Beginner's Mind, if you really want to R. But if you just want to pick back up from where you were before the S, then it may not work too well.
What is her attitude like now?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She filed; I didn't. By wanting more, I actually wasn't referring to ML if you were. I was comparing in my mind what it was like when we were dating. How we couldn't get enough of each other. I do need to begin again with a Beginner's mind. I do want the R back. It was only yesterday (Sunday), and today, there hasn't been the pleasant conversation that we have had. I won't read too much into that; after all, it is a Monday. I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I did get a little scared as well. I feel like a teenage boy who wants to know if the girl likes him.
BD: 8/20/2012 W Files: 8/23/2012 S: 8/25/2012 (I moved out) D Final: 3/5/2013
Don't beat yourself up, we ALL backslide now and then. Michele even says in DR to not dwell on it, but learn from it, pick yourself up and get back to DB'ing.
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I suggested that we stopped doing this and just concentrate on the children. Why? Again, selfishness and fear. She stated that she was enjoying our time together and thought things would work out. I immediately did a 180 (not a db 180) and explained to her my selfishness and fear. She said she would agree to continue what we are doing. I am very thankful for that.
Honestly I'm not sure I understand what you're saying here, but it sounds like the end result was that she's still on board with continuing to spend time together, right? If so then it was a minimal backslide.
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My question, I wonder how much time I have not set us back to a possible R? How do I continue to act/talk with her to give her the security that I will not suggest walking away again?
To borrow 25's quote, "consistent actions + time = change your S can believe in." What you did wasn't consistent with your recent DB behavior, so the lesson to take away is to be consistent. And be consistent over the long haul. That's what will convince your W.
Thank you as always AS for your insights. Yes, she seems to still be on. We spoke a little while, and I thanked her for another opportunity to continue to build her trust. She said that she is glad that she has the opportunity too. I just need to sit back and enjoy the ride. It will take a lot of time I know.
BD: 8/20/2012 W Files: 8/23/2012 S: 8/25/2012 (I moved out) D Final: 3/5/2013
Have a great dinner with XW last night and an even better converstation. In a nutshell, here are the things that were said by her. Granted, some were answers to questions, while some were just volunteered:
1. Still enjoys eating with me and spending some time with me. 2. Said that she sees me becoming the man that she always wanted. 3. Said she still did have some romantic feelings for me (not just the "I love you, but ..." 4. Said if we were to get back together, we will have to take it super slow. (I am willing to wait for her) 5. Did say that "if we don't get back together, she wants to continue where we are now. (That one scares me)
BD: 8/20/2012 W Files: 8/23/2012 S: 8/25/2012 (I moved out) D Final: 3/5/2013
That's great, Grateful. It gives me hope in my dire situation. I wish you the best and hope you will become one of the 10% of couples who end up remarrying after the D.
That's great, Grateful. It gives me hope in my dire situation. I wish you the best and hope you will become one of the 10% of couples who end up remarrying after the D.
I hope so too. I also pray that I can wait as long as I say that I am willing to. Patience has never been a strength of mine. A 180 that I continue to work on to this day.
BD: 8/20/2012 W Files: 8/23/2012 S: 8/25/2012 (I moved out) D Final: 3/5/2013
I forgot to mention that XW admits to feeling guilty everyday about the D. I ask her to expand on what she feels guilty about, but she isn't quite ready to be specific.
BD: 8/20/2012 W Files: 8/23/2012 S: 8/25/2012 (I moved out) D Final: 3/5/2013
