Thanks all. I am feeling better. Having this board is a godsend in so many ways, but it does feed the impulses of those of us who like to run all the scenarios and figure out the one best answer ahead of time so as to not make any mistakes. It encourages overthinking and obsessing by its very presence, and by the availability of people across the globe on at almost any hour of the night or day to chime in and keep it going. I love it and I get sucked in and let it overwhelm me both.
I discussed the trip with my other sister too, and she immediately jumped to the conclusion that it was a step toward reconciling, trying to stay together in one room.
He put me down so thoroughly and unambiguously, and still I get confused by something that could so easily be explained as nothing at all in the realm of reconciling, and not just me but others.
I'm going to be as civil and respectful and nice as I've been to him and we'll have lots of fun on our family trip, but we're separated and we're going to be unambiguous about it. For my own sanity and peace of mind. I'm driving separately and staying with friends and let the chips fall. I will have a good time and get my FIRST much-needed nights off from being the parent on duty (other than my work trip) in a very very long time.
I might even sightsee on the way down. I loooooooove road trips.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Awesome! I agree with your brother that he's just oblivious. You walking into the room with even the faintest expectation that he wants to reconcile would make everything harder. No expectations!
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Sorry, but I don't believe his invite is in any way a step toward reconciliation. I think he is simply ahead of you in the game. It's possible he did all of his "chewing" on the state of the sitch during the years prior to the bomb. Since then, he's been healing, looking to his future "after the D," as I believe you put it. I would guess he just doesn't want to be enemies. It takes too much energy and effort, plus even a social idiot can see that's not good for the kids. It's likely he put very little thought into the invite, whereas you're racking your brains over how to respond. You're at the end of his whip and he probably doesn't even know he's cracking it, or least probably isn't doing it on purpose. (This is coming from years of experience with my H's exW, and her being completely unmoved/unaware of the chaos she sowed in our life.)
I think the time off of parenting is reason alone to stay elsewhere. I commend you for doing this with the kids. Focus on you, focus on them, don't worry about exH's response.
Yes, Crazyville, exactly. That is what I believe based on all evidence to date.
It doesn't really matter so much what his motivations were, to decide what I should do. I can't get into his head. The idea of spending 48 hours with him, driving and sleeping and eating and pretending everything is fine with us...doesn't feel OK with me.
I'm still grieving even though I've accepted the decision. It is sad to watch a marriage die even if it's inevitable and ultimately the right thing to do. I'm not at the point where I can share a bedroom with H because it's painful to me.
I think facilitating this trip, and participating in it, in spite of where we are in all of this, is pretty good. I don't know too many people outside of DB who could have a nice family trip together in the middle of their own divorce. I think I'm doing pretty well rolling with things, even if working through the emotions takes a lot of typing.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Some people gently chastise me for working through the emotions in typing like this, over a period of time, until I get clarity and settle into how I feel. Do you really think that is a bad thing? Do you think it's more evolved, or more emotionally mature, to arrive at things quicker with fewer words, sharing less of the in the middle stuff? I'm curious, because I feel like it's being suggested that I shouldn't do this, while I think it's healthy to do it.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Do what works for you Ad. If this process moves you ahead then it works. Only you really know if its useful or indulgent. Could it be both? Of course it could. Can it shift back & forth because you're human? yep.
We never please everyone. And I would guess that if that suggestion is heard, it is meant to help and see if maybe you are overthinking things. Be aware of it and decide for yourself.
I think you're making a great choice on the solo trip and meeting up. But that's coming from a fellow lover of road trips!
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Well I was over in WaitingForMagic's thread explaining the concept of expressing your reality in moderation, one of the elements of the boundaries stuff I learned, and I realized I should listen to myself. It clicked what Accuray was saying the other day about how I am too forceful when I disagree, which I disagreed with, ha.
I don't know if I am or am not, but the point is to learn to express yourself moderately in relationships with others. And I can at least think about that more and see how much of it fits.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Some people gently chastise me for working through the emotions in typing like this, over a period of time, until I get clarity and settle into how I feel. Do you really think that is a bad thing? Do you think it's more evolved, or more emotionally mature, to arrive at things quicker with fewer words, sharing less of the in the middle stuff? I'm curious, because I feel like it's being suggested that I shouldn't do this, while I think it's healthy to do it.
LMFAO!!! Have you seen my posts? Certainly not the quickest way to POM and sanity lolol!!
Nice to start the day with a LMFAO!!! and a smiley too!
I was reading over in Luke's and bug's threads and my thought of the day today is that I'm so wrapped up in how H affects ME, with all his yelling and criticizing and texting of complaints, and I've been trying since March 8 to get him to spend a few minutes with me talking face to face about coparenting so we can keep the dialog going even though we were just really stressed and in disagreement the last time. I was so upset and scared because he seems to disrespect my parenting and thinks the solution is to send my son away to boarding school. He makes fun of me wanting to talk and reason, by saying I just want to be his best friend. We ended up just arguing, and much later SOME of his viewpoint made more sense to me and I've been trying to incorporate a broader range of techniques. I've been wanting to have a followup discussion and I've been racking up items to discuss because H cancelled and never rescheduled despite two requests from me. Items I've racked up include: S snuck out of the house during a grounding, S has now been to a drug counselor and how that went, and some of the new consequences that weren't on the table before. S snuck out practically a month ago and it's turning into just stuff I've dealt with and is history, while the weekend he did it, when I asked H to talk with me, it was a critical recent escalation in our challenges. Anyway, too much backstory.
The point is, there probably is a very strong negative response H is experiencing when we have an emotionally charged interaction, like what Acc calls a shame response, that H would want to shut down from, run from, or avoid at all costs. I can see it happening, it just was mystifying to me. He's a very assertive seeming, strongly opinionated person, very masculine, loud and confident, and he's known me since we were kids out of college. So acting, I don't know, intimidated by me, has never computed.
But it explains how he got from my message in Florida, "thank you so much for taking care of the kids, but could you not yell so much we're trying to have a respectful home": stop over-reacting and don't do anything about the drugs you're finding in the house this week. That is what he told me I told him. And I was so surprised he didn't respond with questions to clarify such a weird message coming from me. I thought he knew me better than that. I was getting this feeling from him that I had morphed into someone he didn't know who made no sense but mustn't be aggravated, just back away slowly..... Did not compute.
And then he practically assaulted me with text messages of bongs and stuff while I was grocery shopping, but when I came home and sat across the table and heard him telling me no-privileges, take away everything, no friends no phone nothing but school and home and if that doesn't work boarding school, and I was trying to tell him we needed to try to work together and combine our different strengths in getting through, and it was tense. He does NOT like conversations where there are two sides that go back and forth. He likes to say what is going to happen and it just happens, no discussion. If he has said something, he's done and fails to see the point why I'm still talking (my perception). I was trying to get to a meeting of the minds. I left it with wanting to make this an ongoing conversation so we could hear each other and try to get on the same page for coparenting. But he cancelled our appointment and is still avoiding it. Oh yeah, I also asked if we could talk about it with a referee like IC so we could be more effective at hearing each other and he told me to go by myself and report back to him what she said, which he predicted would be that I'm wrong and he's right. Argh. Back to the point. I think the point is that as uncomfortable and frustrating this is for me, and as much as I want to avoid it... H might have hated it even more. I was so much more interested in how hard it was for ME.
I'm not sure what the takeaway is. I think it has to do with recognizing how and when to moderate myself.
Boundaries (per Pia Mellody) are for protecting your reality - how most of the people I see here need to learn to use them, but they are also for CONTAINING your reality, and for me that was equally if not more necessary to learn. I like to express myself and I express myself strongly and colorfully by habit, training, and personality. I love words and I love struggling to convey a message in just the way that someone will hear it. But I tend to have trouble moderating it sometimes, recognizing where my reality ends and where I'm imposing on someone else's, recognizing where just turning up the volume isn't the right response to someone not hearing me.
I want so much to be heard, understood, known. Really known by someone. But with H I think in spite of how I thought he was, I know think I need to dial it way back. He creates such a void and I find it nearly impossible not to fill it up with my own thoughts and beliefs.
That was a big thought for the day. BTW I'm strongly considering going to EE. I've been thinking of recommending it for my niece who's in trouble, but I would like to see what I might be capable of with a solid weekend of opening my mind. There are some things I don't discuss here much that I could really improve.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
