Heart of the Matter

[Accuray]

I think the dynamic described here is men's shame response. When they disappoint or fail to please you it makes them physically uncomfortable. Like Labugs adrenaline shot they get a dopamine shot which tells their body "Get out of this situation!"

That's why they shut down or withdraw is that they just want the shameful feelings to stop as soon as possible at any cost. That reaction naturally makes women feel like they're not being heard so they will come on even stronger and apply more shame and down the drain it goes.

What can you do? Be aware of it. If you triggered a shame-dump give him some recovery time then come at it more gently for your validation. Otherwise try to avoid having it come off as shaming if possible -- open up with something you like, talk about what you appreciate, prime the pump.

I get that you should be able to just state your valid complaint and have it heard and respected. Unfortunately even though we're adults we are also animals with millions of years of evolution at play.

Accuray