I think the dynamic described here is men's shame response. When they disappoint or fail to please you it makes them physically uncomfortable. Like Labugs adrenaline shot they get a dopamine shot which tells their body "Get out of this situation!"
That's why they shut down or withdraw is that they just want the shameful feelings to stop as soon as possible at any cost. That reaction naturally makes women feel like they're not being heard so they will come on even stronger and apply more shame and down the drain it goes.
What can you do? Be aware of it. If you triggered a shame-dump give him some recovery time then come at it more gently for your validation. Otherwise try to avoid having it come off as shaming if possible -- open up with something you like, talk about what you appreciate, prime the pump.
I get that you should be able to just state your valid complaint and have it heard and respected. Unfortunately even though we're adults we are also animals with millions of years of evolution at play.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Thanks Ruby and vero-there were times when I didn't think I would be OK I was so deep in a hole. So take heart everyone here who thinks they can't change, you are the only one standing in the way of your change.
Acc, I came here to post the rest of the story and it is as you say; I allowed my automatic response to kick in and the shame and blame monster was unleashed.
When I described what happened to my IC she just looked at me with a half-smile and asked how I felt about the interaction.
I told her that I was unhappy with my response because I felt out of control. I know that in these charged situations I should stop and think but adrenaline is a powerful hormone and I let it control me. My life was not in danger, the response was over the top.
I also knew that when I told him it was disrespectful to show up at that time without calling that I pushed it over the edge.
IC helped me see that even tho my message might be good (boundaries) my delivery was poor. I went from "what I need" to "what you(H)did wrong".
We were also operating with 2 differing sets of facts. And I interpreted his showing up as rude instead of stopping and allowing myself to think "hey, what's up with him being here so early? I need more information." Then I could have asked what was going on and we might have had an actual conversation instead of a shame and blame fest that left us both sad and/or angry.
Interpreting other people's behaviors is such a destructive activity.
IC and I then discussed sending an email to H because I was not the person I want to be on Sat morning. Other people should not drive my responses and how I act is my responsibility. I wanted to send the email because of who I want to be, not that I'm trying to make nice with H so he won't be mad which would have been me in the past.
This apology would be for me.
So I sent this:
I certainly wasn't being the person I want to be on Sat morning. I'm sorry and I hope you'll accept my apology. I was caught off guard and embarrassed when you walked in and I allowed that discomfort to cause me to react in a way that was rude and accusatory towards you. I think we were both operating without all the facts, as I didn't know you were coming and you seemingly thought S would have told me. S tells me very little of his interactions with you unless I ask a direct question and I don't do that often because it's uncomfortable for him. Also, I didn't see S much last week due to my schedule.
Would you be willing to let me know with a short email when you will be at my house? Let me know what you think about this.
I feel better, I'm keeping my side of the street clean.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Nice Labug! I would love to get an email like that. Ironically this happened to me last night which is why I was thinking about it. I was trying to talk to W while she was watching TV, then S12 came in to report that his bathtub drain was clogged. I said "That's from your sister's hair, we'll need to clean that out"
W said "What a stupid thing to say! Should we just shave her head bald?"
I said "I won't be spoken to that way" and left the room. I had the full on shame dump going and didn't understand why what I said was offensive -- it's just fact.
In any case, I will never get an apology for something like that so vicariously appreciated yours!
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Ah the shame & blame deal. I'm so glad you told me to read how to improve your marriage without talking about it. It's really helped my understanding of H and what to just not even talk about or when to stop.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Ah the shame & blame deal. I'm so glad you told me to read how to improve your marriage without talking about it. It's really helped my understanding of H and what to just not even talk about or when to stop.
I need to read it again! I passed it on to someone else and really need to get another copy for myself.
It so clearly highlights how I have behaved for so long.
But part of my growth is realizing I am a person who is striving. I'm not perfect and never will be but I am striving for better.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I certainly wasn't being the person I want to be on Sat morning. I'm sorry and I hope you'll accept my apology. I was caught off guard and embarrassed when you walked in and I allowed that discomfort to cause me to react in a way that was rude and accusatory towards you. I think we were both operating without all the facts, as I didn't know you were coming and you seemingly thought S would have told me. S tells me very little of his interactions with you unless I ask a direct question and I don't do that often because it's uncomfortable for him. Also, I didn't see S much last week due to my schedule.
Would you be willing to let me know with a short email when you will be at my house? Let me know what you think about this.
I feel better, I'm keeping my side of the street clean. YES YOU ARE!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
