Side thing; last night H was dropping major hints that he wants a B day gift. I honestly dont feel like buying him anything and it was against the rules of DB. What do you all think? Seems shady for him to be asking me for presents all things considered but these are just my feelings....
Ok, now I got a clearer picture. For the record, I think your hard working mentality comes from your upbringing in the Philippines where it's pretty poor unless you group in Manila.
In terms of what to do next, I would suggest you write out your list of goals. You said your H's attitude has gotten better since he got off meds. It doesn't matter what you speculate or think, bottom line is that you think he's gotten better. So the next thing to do is to increase those positive interactions.
I can see alot of hurt and resentment coming from you. You don't feel like you can share them with him, so you turn it inwards. Again, did you ever talk to him about him snapping at you or ask him why?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Yes I did ask him why, he gave me a long list of things but then a few days latter changed his reasons. I dont feel like I can tell him all that is on my mind because I dont think his self esteem can take it. He said my being critical was what drove him away to begin with, though that may not be true because he changed his story. I dont want to bring him down any further is thats true.
As for Resentment, yes I am very angry and hurt, all day long I think about what he said and I wonder, how can anyone in their right mind say that to their spouse? Even with depression, C says its an illness and not an excuse. (H has used it as an excuse at times)
I have told him that I am hurt by what he said but his reply "well thats how i feel, im being honest with my feelings"
Before I left for my trip to the Philippines for a two week sabbatical i asked H how he was feeling in general. He said he doesnt know. I guess thats a step up, its better than being personally attacked all the time.
He is more cheerful, has been out to see friends, talks to his family on the phone (not about us) and I am doing the same. One thing though is he overly critiques everything I do to an obsessive level. This is recent, he never did it before. Like if I fold laundry the wrong way (even though he never washes clothes) or if I dont do the dishes right, if i leave a drawer open on accident, is he just trying to yank my chain?
As hard as it is, you have to try and not to take it personally. We've all been there so we know how it is. That's why you need to detach all emotions from him. When he acts erratic, see him as a temporary crazy person that needs to be pitied rather than paid attention to.
If he goes overboard, hold up your hand and tell him that you understand that he is going through changes, HOWEVER, you will not be spoken to in that manner. Set that boundary.
"Yes I did ask him why, he gave me a long list of things but then a few days latter changed his reasons. I dont feel like I can tell him all that is on my mind because I dont think his self esteem can take it."
Take out all the nonsense reasons and write down the ones that seem the most truthful and change them.
"As for Resentment, yes I am very angry and hurt, all day long I think about what he said and I wonder, how can anyone in their right mind say that to their spouse? Even with depression, C says its an illness and not an excuse. (H has used it as an excuse at times)"
Then you do what I described above and lay that boundary.
"I have told him that I am hurt by what he said but his reply "well thats how i feel, im being honest with my feelings"
Then tell him that you appreciate him being honest, but don't appreciate the way he expresses it towards you. That if he's depressed, you're there for support but will not be his punching bag. Then if he says you should leave, say 'ok' and move to the next room as if nothing was wrong.
"He is more cheerful, has been out to see friends, talks to his family on the phone (not about us) and I am doing the same. One thing though is he overly critiques everything I do to an obsessive level. This is recent, he never did it before. Like if I fold laundry the wrong way (even though he never washes clothes) or if I dont do the dishes right, if i leave a drawer open on accident, is he just trying to yank my chain?"
WAS's do that all the time. They 'feel' something's not right, so instead of handling things in a healthy way, they look to see what's the closest to them that might be "causing" their confusion - their spouse. Detach and set up boundaries when he goes overboard so you are no longer a target.
I know it's hard and it will require alot of patience. But it can be salvaged.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Uh..H came into my office today to offer me chocolate....(we work in the same building, i usually hide in my cubicle all day)
I appreciate the chocolate and thanked him but then he starts a conversation about travelling to Taiwan to start a business there and he is going with his cousin (good guy, i trust him). My reply. "oh thats cool, you have fun."
I will make a list of positive changes in him so far;
*Stays at home more *Goes out more with his friends as apposed to sleeping all day *calls me by my nickname/pet name more *cooks dinner for me if he knows I will be at work more than 8 hours (often i pull 12's) *suggests outings together once in a while (shopping for food, taking cat to vet, lunch) *takes me to the doctor if I need to go *takes an active interest in our two pet cats and plays with them
So I guess there is man small changes from the days of the D bomb but I wont lie, im tired as heck and equally as angry. Im trying not to give up though even though half of me wants to run screaming out the front door.
So the glass is also half full... depending on your point of view. It would be good to continue actions on your part that encourage these positive actions/reactions on his, so with time, things may well soften, thaw, and communication, also deeper, will improve.
I am just reading a very useful book which may be of interest to you also: "Power of a Positive No". You can look inside on Amazon if you like.
I am curious - do you think that cultural male-female stereotypes play a role in your relationship?
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Luckyluke, its possible But actually his family falls outside of the stereotype. His mom is very successful and makes more money than his dad. I was never submissive to him to begin with so i dont think he expects that.
