Hi Busting et all... sorry I disappeared. I've been on one of the longest rollercoasters... I needed to just ride it out.
I am feeling better. Thank you all for your words and support. You all have valid points. Without them, it would have been very difficult to work though this.
I've agreed to meet her. Don't know when or where - but I said yes.
After the dust settled and the fog lifted, I am able to see that this decision is all about me.
Who do I want to be? What can I live with? What do I want Now?
Who do I want to be:
I want to be a loving person. At church, we've been in the book of Matthew for a long time. This rang true for me: "Lord, how often will my brother sin against me and I forgive him.. as many as seven times?"
Response: "I do not say seven times but seventy times seven."
I am not perfect and there are times that I let people down. I did not talk to my mom very much for 10 yrs. I know it hurt her greatly. When the BD, she opened her doors. She forgave me, and chose to love me. She's never once thrown the past in my face.
I do not know what x wants - but if it is forgiveness or closure. I will give it to her.. because I was forgiven......
and it doesn't matter if I think she deserves it, God says she does.. and that's enough for me.
What can I live with:
LA Bug - You're right I'm not ready. I do not look forward to what is to come. The pain, the confusion..
.. and although I do not know that will be for certain.. I fear it.
But that is temporary. To not open up the door. To not at least be open to closure, olive branch or whatever... will be a bigger pain in my heart. It would be permanent.
The high road is painful - but 2 yrs of taking it.. has left very few regrets. I need to see the bigger picture.
What do I want?
I want to keep moving forward. I was living life.. enjoying it and this really thew me off. I am not angry at x for it... but I'll be d@mned if I continue to give her the power to keep me from moving forward. So as much as I may not want or think I'm ready to do it NOW - I can't have my life stop.
The past is done. I only want to look ahead.
I will need to come up with some exit strategies. I will need to come up with a gameplan.....
... because I know there is still anger inside me.. and I know there are expectations that I have.
I need to do everything I can to put as much positive energy into this..
If this is going to have a "negative" outcome - It will not be because I put that energy out there.
M(f): 43 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
