the last post being "said" - last evening h was actually old self for a small bit. it's because he has some satisfactory interaction with ow or some plan with her. this much i know. it sure takes the "nice" out if it all.
sooo- how in the world am i supposed to act/react to this. ideally??? i am not lovey dovey -i'm pretty much in neutral- self/protect mode across the board. i can't change speeds in a blink. i'm not hostile
by the time it registers- and my brain thinks - hey, wait a minute- it's almost over. he forgets himself and acts like old happy guy self - around or to me. ughhhhhh.
then he remembers i'm "the enemy" and withdraws. it's so hard to look at a seemingly normal person who is just coldish & in love with some one else (apparently) and see them as a person in pain & crisis.
i'm trying. he's certainly not happy-guy (around me anyway) . that's my real beef- that's what hurts.
that i do not make him glad to see me or be with me - in any way shape or form. soooo - why am i here again? why lie to keep me around sooooo long - so i'm in this giant pickle? soo of his creation?
it's seeing him cheery & pleasant that hurts most- the reason for it- the brief flash of olden days - the "gone-ness" of that.
honestly- the hopelessness (it seems)of this all -
oh well- sos here in my "land".... some brain guy on public tv last nite - says tell myself - "i'm okay rite now- today is all i have" for sure. stay in the day- ward off alzheimers (and keep sane? ) going to incorporate that
Well Nero, this whole a girl gotta have L thing we got going was given right to H tonight! He said let him go so he can find himself, I said go right ahead, whatcha think I'm going to miss. Your touch, L, companionship, kiss, ahh there's nothing to miss so why would I fight you to stay. Let you go, I want you to go!
What a bag of hot air! These guys got nothing! They know we would be fine without them. We don't have WAS's we have MLC guys! Even though yours goes away for some time he's not gone, he's out playing until he comes back home! Your his home...that's why he brings you to FL, to put home back in his house.
If my H left I would be surprised, but welcoming, sad, but overwhelmingly excited for a new future without his hell. I told him not to threaten anything because I'm now willing to step on any land mines he puts in my place, after that was when he said he wants me to set him free, BOOM! GO! Damn, after that he didn't even leave for work, home all night!
It's nice feeling free of wanting him, I really don't, he disgusting to me. I told him I want someone who would be caring right now that my bday is coming in May, someone who cared to make an effort for my happiness! I really laid out the list of what I will not live without, reminding him.... so that's why he can go!
We're being used to our own detriment....no more miss nice....still standing, but for me as well! There is room for him if he comes to the light...but I'm not waiting or putting hope into anything!
Your guy is peeking, let him know your there, but he has some boundaries to adhere to, your not a rag doll to be pushed around.
Your Nero damit!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
They know we would be fine without them. We don't have WAS's we have MLC guys! Even though yours goes away for some time he's not gone, he's out playing until he comes back home! Your his home...that's why he brings you to FL, to put home back in his house.
ya think? i wonder. I KNOW what i'm capable of doing - he's soooo busy thnkin he knows me better than i do - YEAH RITE -i don't think he knows A DARN THINg about a person like me. he thinks nice and tough are mutually exclusive - wrong-o.
i don't think he'll ever "wise up" til i'm long gone- OVER him with a capital O - and then, he may (only may) think wtf? i kind of miss her in my life. too darn late man
i have no respect for his "emotional intellect" in life.
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I told him not to threaten anything because I'm now willing to step on any land mines he puts in my place, after that was when he said he wants me to set him free, BOOM! GO! Damn, after that he didn't even leave for work, home all night!
wow- brave you. i wish i was "ready" to go there. at least you now KNOW your h won't - can't leave. (for good or bad that is). it's knowing something about the sitch- one thing.
only thing i know is (i THINK i know that is ) whenever he's "happy" it's because of her- not me. a bad thing to know- but i'm adjusting. i guess i need to get totally accepting of who i am in his life- and it ain't what i thought or what i'd want. and sure don't want for rest of my life.
nevertheless, i guess that's something. and I ONLY THINK i know it.
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It's nice feeling free of wanting him, I really don't,
i don't know what it is i want from him. he was my "family" - i kind of have nothing to be "part of" now. i guess that's why i still have his body around some times- my unwillingness to just float off allllll alone. it's no good tho- really is it? if i don't want to jump on him- and he doesn't even talk or be fun company most of the time- i don't have anything really? but a reminder of what "I thought" i had with him. just my "notion" ... ta da.! anyway- good for you to feel it and know it.
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Your guy is peeking, let him know your there, but he has some boundaries to adhere to, your not a rag doll to be pushed around.
ya think? i don't know. i don't know what he sees. i know am different. i am "pushed around" about one thing alone- his lies and ow. mwd says don't make any demands or talk about r. she also says if you've said it once- don't say it again. assume he heard. i have nothing to say or demand then - it's all been said.
other than STOP IT (again) - BUT i'm not supposed to say it- and he's not volunteering it. and i'm getting mighty worn out and beginning to seriously not care any more - about alot of things... maybe him, and maybe for keeps...???
i've already illustrated my tolerance levels by still existing in his life. (for whatever reasons - my own agenda or my old attachment) so what the heck else is there to have a boundary about? i don't do "fight" - i don't respond to his anger or picking (it's infrequent lately). i sure dont "fear" it like i used to..(yay for that) something about looking the worst possibilities in the face and now hey don't make me flinch (much) anymore.
i would not assume he's stopped screwing around or intending to or wanting to unless he said it & promised. he has not- i don't think he ever will. i'm merely awaiting my own toughness levels to reach max. (well, and hopefully a paying job)
one day he's going to peek out and meet up with fist to the nose or something like that most likely. i've got some big big "stuff" bubbling below the surfce all the time. i've got under control all the time (just) - but it's there nevertheless. who the heck knows what will come along- break the surface and allll that JUNK will spurt out???
ta da - i'm outta here-
work to do- life to have - thanks for note- i'm happy for your good state of mind- i aspire to it also. i'm not so bad today- need to make more time for the people around me who actually like me -it sure is more fun that way than the crabs.
glad we're good today - yay for that. we are okay rite now- and we only have today.
You sound good, like your really do get the reality of your sitch, your just wading through it at your own pace. That's perfectly fine as long as time is on your side, which it seems to be.
I'm wasn't really considering moving out, I want him out now. With the new grand baby coming I am working on my home and staying put, h has to get his asss out, I'm done with him. I'm done with him because of his insistence about ea and his lack of character, respect and commitment to be a family member. He wants me to just consider him a paycheck and leave him home to bring in the money.
It's all to disgusting and nauseating for me I just want him gone. He's soo ugly!
I am not doing to bad though I have been getting out more and have gone to some dinners with friends. I feel good, I'm just done with him, otherwise I'm ok.
You sound ok too, but NJ is a thorn for you. Tell those negatives in your life to shut up...so you can at least only have to deal with mom. You don't have to stay and listen to her either, go do what you do for her, kiss and leave. If you cook for her cook at home bring too her, if you shop for her bring it into the cabinet and go, always seem to be on to the next project when around her. You can't avoid her but you can make it quick.
People can not be allowed to dumb on you any more and when you get control of that your control over your h sitch will be easy, he's just a man.
Hope your NJ trip is good, be safe!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Nero Nero....wherefore art thou Nero? Are your driving to NJ, going home to mum? I wish we were bff's and I was meeting you for coffee tomorrow and piña colladas Fri night. I'm starting to dream about meeting new men, last night I was kissing an actor and woke up hot and bothered, he wasn't even my fantasy guy but he smelled really good.
I am steering toward excepting the idea that I will be moving past my R with H and moving toward living a seperate life from him. Like he said he left the M long ago, I'm going to start catching up with that. If he ever does come out of this I just may not be there with open arms, too little to late is how that may go.
Hope your safe....staying clear of any more sadness.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
glad to hear your "voice" and miss ya. you sound good too- aint we a couple swell and "evolving" babes? i hope it stays.
thanks for the good words about mom, etc. & nj. it is a thorn- i guess i'm going tho- like it or not. half of me wants to run- half of me (the usual old guy inthere - little voice) says stay put and DEAL WITH YOUR ISSUES - going somewhere else will only bring the same old problems with you til you 'CONQUER?: " THEM?
have i been reading too much inspitational literature or do i believe it? i've thought of moving away- trouble is I AM a pack animal - i want a "pack" - i miss feeling like part of a famly- that's part of my moaning on about the fact of no kids- but lets face it= i was half of that decison at least - maye all- soooooo nothing to do but do it. water under that particular bridge.
anyway- again - i know you 're rite- i'll try and keep neutral and heading out with mom. it's hard- i know she doesn't talk k to another living soul from day to day if not me- i tend to listen (or try) and let her run herself out- jsut so she feels like she's "being heard" in life. GEEEEz - i'm trying harder and succeeding a bit more on just keeping my trap shut- if i could rmember to be intrested and occupied on my end of the phone- i can manage it- or maybe get some project going like crochet that i can do while i'm vi8sitng- or kee busy with laundry or tidying up or something- anything-
i hear ya.
i still dread it - even if i know it's doable and i'll mange somehow not to explode- it sure feels like it sometimes.
i don't wantto give in to this anger and hostility i'm feeling- i'm sure that in this mess of my life (worst time i've ever had really- i know i should be grateful for that alone- HOWEVER - STILL, I'M A BIT damaged here and wouldn't mi d a kind and understanding famly- not happening- i get it. have one sister that's been a rock- so i'm going with it.
the youngest one- i'm still avoiding her til i can be rational and not mad MAD -
OH WELL- heading to nj tomorrow morning- f uriously packing away- maybe if i can rush and get it done i can still pick up baby and play one more time. we painted eggs yesterday- poor little thing- she's good and was working like mad to be careful- but every real blown egg she tried to paint broke- too rough even when trying hard. she finally settled down to paint rocks for our gardens- did great and loved it. more at the rock age than fragile egg !
i don't know- im pretty over it all myself- don't want to be- but can't put up any fight any more and sometimes just feel over it all.
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I'm done with him because of his insistence about ea and his lack of character, respect and commitment to be a family member.
me too- bottom line always ends up her- his not stopping- me feeling like it's always betweeen us - and of course, he cannot just be himself with me because of her. it's true- sad sad man- can't even see it.
oh well huh??? interesting to see if 'm lonly and blue in nj or getting better at that too? i sure hope so- i'm tired of feeling bad and tired of not having some fun with someone that enjoys my company (women friends aside). wonder what exactly life will present me with???
i'm thinking something is going on in my life with holidays this year- my mom to hospital on new year morning- gil's dad dying on st. patrick's day- i almost dread easter- what in the world could be in store for that???
i know- superstitous aren't I? have on my cross, hand of God and evil eye deterrent- not taking chances today.
i don't know- i wanted to say hi- i'm pretty disgusted sometimes too- it's sad isn't it when you realize that's what you feel, just disgust f9r the lack of mature intelligent behaviour you USED TO think this h possessed? sad for my delusional opinion of the person he was - and really apparently lost a long time go.
oh well- the job should hopefully take form (substitute) for want of somethin better- thinking of volunteering free at a cousin's law firm to get feet wet- will see about substitute first. need to get off my mark and get moving forward (whereever that is)
gonna pack like mad- glad you're sounding good - sory we both feel what we do about these boneheads - oh well- you can lead a horse to water but can't make him drink. they are losing the best things they had in their lives - i stil feel firmly convinced. if it goes totally away because of their stupidity- we can't save them from that either- love and caring aside. it's like the darn alcoholixm- if they don't want to kick the behavior that's killing them- how could we possibly do it for them?
take heart- flowers soon allover the yard - easter (new beginning) for us all ??!! lets hope- maybe we can capture the feeling. you and a new tiny baby- yay an d yay- what pleasue you'll gt from that. me=- i don't know- something i'm sure that i can't imagine now.
both of us off the floor and out of the pain and grief fog- capturing the magic of the US left standing- getting her back- who the heck knows what this year will hold?
i'm outta here- i'm good newsing myself to death here and getting quite sickening huh? maybe it's all that sleep i managed to get last nite- we love pma!! i figure if i say it enough times i'll begin t6o believe it- who knows- maybe i can move mountains and sway fate? with it too...
i particularly like th epina colata idea - could die for one now and a buddy-girl to kick back and sit on the patio and chat.
me too also across the board- i'm feeling myself thinking i may not be able to manage it if he ever did totally come back.
i don't think he thinks he's gone or i ever will be - for the moment still - i think the fact that he thinks i'm nuts enough to endure this forever works for me- hate looking like a dope - but think it's good strategy still for now.
i can't remember what it felt like to feel sexual atraction- sad huh- maybe the turmoil of last couple years? maybe haven't run into another man that attracted me in 37 yrs - that's sad too isn't it? i got to get this guy out of my head. looked at him with clear eyes at wake other day- didn't see him as attractive at all- just some old goofy looking guy. i do n't stop and look very often.
oh well- i'm sure he thinks i'm a hag- i'd think his ow is firmly planted in his head as the best beauty queen at moment- i got nothin on that subject.
i like your dream -i ';ll live vicariously- will be interesting to see where im' at with this all - if i ever did run into anyone mildly interesting. so far only invitation to lunch made me run away screaming. not ready by a long shot.
Sorry to hear your having a hard time, I still say it's because we have to see them all the time. It would be hard if they visited after actually moving out for good also, but we, you and I, wouldn't have to deal with that, no babies, they would just be moved out.
I regret not letting him leave now when he told me so many months ago, I don't know I guess that's really hard to say because who knows if that would have been the right choice either, or if he would have actually done it. He told me he wanted to leave and I cried and begged, a couple of months later I said ok, I want you to go, I'm not begging anymore for you to stay, and he got pissed off and through the box I packed in the garbage.
So I think that was all MLC lingo, and here is were I'm at, almost a yr from the one and only time he asked for a D. I'm stuck with him, your kinda stuck with yours, but we are both free as well. Mine wouldn't care if I GAL from here to the moon, yours leaves you for weeks at a time.
We really are free girls with cars, homes, money and nothing to tie us home all day or night. Think of it like back when you were a free teen but now you have all the resources to have a good time. I would love to go on a casual date, talk and take a walk with someone rational. I won't break my M but I'm not a robot, I need attention.
You have to get your mine out of your H's life and stop driving yourself crazy. You say things like ow is soo much better than you, stop, even if ow was the queen of Sheba, never put her in front of you. Stop assuming what H is thinking and doing. Stop thinking that his choice are a reflection on you as a person! You have to depersonalize his sitch, it's his sitch, it's not about you!!!!,
Enjoy what you want from him that he gives you, but expect nothing! Count on yourself and don't compare yourself to his POS choice.
I hope you have better days, I hope your Easter is good. My h will or will not stay home, I however will enjoy my family and eat more pie than I should!
Here's to pie and more pie, and spring flowers and us!
Ooooxxxxx. DM
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
