Heart of the Matter

[keep_going]

I've always wondered why I felt so crappy after these "discussions" with H and now I know, he never validated that he saw my side of things.

THIS^^^ is so true Bug for me as well. I did feel crappy so many times with. And I always thought it was my fault for not explaining myself well enough, so I would say it again and again and again......and voila...in comes the 'you are a nag' from H.

I relate to this as well. With my H, it became such a vicious circle... I would bring something up. H would not validate, feel attacked and would either defend and argue or shut down. I would feel unheard and ignored, so I would try to keep it going, to get my point across, so I would increase the volume. He would continue defending or shut down further. And so on. And we both did it. So we ended with no communication, feeling more and more isolated, invalidated, unheard, hurt and ignored. A recipe for disaster.

To tie this in with what Inside Out brings up about our changes and what if H never does...
In the short time, and to go with DBing principles, my reaction can be different. I can come to the table with no expectations of receiving validation when I bring up an issue with H. Then I won't feel the need to keep it going when I don't get the validation from him. I can drop the issue and avoid conflict.

Yet, is that healthy though? For now it doesn't cause further damage with my H, but would I accept this in a new/improved R? For me it wouldn't work in the long run. If I cannot feel heard and affirmed and understood by my partner, I don't think I can build trust and have a true connection with him...