Heart of the Matter

[labug]

Thanks, Ad, that's helpful and affirming. You're one of the clearest thinkers I know and appreciate your input.

New behaviors are harrrrrd! Even if the old ones were crappy and destructive, there was no difficult thinking involved. It was all on auto.

One other change, I wanted to appease him yesterday. Just a little email saying something like "You seemed angry when you left, sorry blah blah blah, didn't mean to be harsh, it was just so early..." Set a boundary, feel bad about it, erase it.

Do you feel sometimes that this is like having an amputation without anesthesia, cutting out these parts of us?

[JuneReN]

I am chiming in....Your approach was fine, the reason behind emotion was that you were embarrassed and PO'd he caught you in bathrobe lmao!! I would have been as well and you handled it better than me!!

It is perfectly reasonable to ask for a head's up like anyone else before dropping by

[adinva]

Oh yeah, totally, set boundary feel bad erase. If you restrained yourself good job. The only apology needed in that situation would have been from H. And he didn't do a malicious thing just a clueless one, and you clued him in.

Pat yourself on the back with your phantom appendage, it can reach better.

[labug]

Thanks, Ruby.

Yes, that was a part of it definitely. But it's also that he doesn't initiate communication with me about anything. He responds if I ask a question or bring up an issue but otherwise, he's out of here.

And that carries over into not letting me know he's coming to my house at 8:15 in the morning.

And so when you have someone who crosses boundaries, you must reassert boundaries.

Really the part I was unhappy with was that I was in the emotion of the moment and probably could have been more effective had I waited until the rush was over. I'm working on that.

In thinking more about the interaction I also figured something else out. As I said earlier, our pattern had been I would bring up some problem, he would shut down, I would continue to "nag" and he would further shut down...Why did I continue when I could see he was shutting down?

With this event on Sat, I wanted to continue until he gave me something and I've just discovered what that is, validation.

Had he said to me, "I'm really sorry, I wasn't thinking. I'll call next time," it would have been so much better. Instead by his responding with "I didn't think it was a big deal," that sent the message that, again I was making a big deal about something that was completely unimportant to him, therefore it didn't matter.

There were many times in the past that he might be nodding his head in agreement but I knew he was going to do what he d@mn-well pleased. He was just agreeing with me to get me to stop.

I'm not writing about this to change him but to understand what goes on in these conversations and to highlight the importance of validating the needs of others and not just giving it lip-service. I've always wondered why I felt so crappy after these "discussions" with H and now I know, he never validated that he saw my side of things. He might have gone along with what I wanted but not because he thought I had a valid point. And if he disagreed he could have said, "I see what your saying and understand your concerns. Let me explain how I see it..."

Instead he just carried around a big ol' bag-o-trouble until it got too heavy.

I really need to change this within me because these "opportunities for growth" keep popping up.

This is from the Keb'Mo' song, Suitcase:

I got a suitcase, I take it everywhere I go
I got a suitcase baby, I take it everywhere I go
It's just a big old bag of trouble, trouble all I know

I met a girl, fell in love
And our love was true
I met a girl, fell in love
Ooh, our love was true

Well and I found out, Lord she had a big old suitcase too
Lord, so we put our bags together, made a home for two
People we put our bags together, you know made a home for two
Then along came the children, gave them all a suitcase too

Well the house got too small, the bags got too big
We was holdin'on to everythin', whatever said or did
Well I complained about the salt, in the black eyed peas
Then she put her hand on her hip and she told me to leave
And take my suitcase, and get on out that door
You gonna hear from my lawyer, I can't take it no more

[bustingout]

I've always wondered why I felt so crappy after these "discussions" with H and now I know, he never validated that he saw my side of things.

THIS^^^ is so true Bug for me as well. I did feel crappy so many times with. And I always thought it was my fault for not explaining myself well enough, so I would say it again and again and again......and voila...in comes the 'you are a nag' from H.

He didnt validate my feelings. He thought I always overreacted. Wow I see it so clearly now (not that I am disengaging myself from my faults in the M and my own communication issues, etc...I just mean I can see even more now how I contributed to the M's demise).

Thank you Bug for always sharing so openly and clearly.
(((((( ))))))

[Tallula]

Hi bug!

You did great with your H. That would have bothered me as well.

[ces67]

Hey Bug, just doing a little catching up. Glad you're doing well and glad you said something to your H about showing up. In my opinion, very appropriate to do so. Its the new muscle you're flexing on the boundaries so of course its a little sore after being used.

Glad you're doing well and really enjoyed the respect topic. That's one I need to meditate on a good bit more.

[JuneReN]

I understand this, but I have a question and it is not directed at you Bug, but a question in general:

How much of ourselves do we change? There are definitely some things that warrant changing, at least with myself, but when do those changes stop? What if we change everything we were and are still not happy with who we are ?

I understand about the boundary, but what if H never ever changes his approach? What would you do? Just hypothetical, I mean, we can change ourselves, but not necessarily others, right? Our change is sometimes the catalyst for change in our lives and for me, sometimes I forget everyone else doesn't change with me...

[keep_going]

I've always wondered why I felt so crappy after these "discussions" with H and now I know, he never validated that he saw my side of things.

THIS^^^ is so true Bug for me as well. I did feel crappy so many times with. And I always thought it was my fault for not explaining myself well enough, so I would say it again and again and again......and voila...in comes the 'you are a nag' from H.

I relate to this as well. With my H, it became such a vicious circle... I would bring something up. H would not validate, feel attacked and would either defend and argue or shut down. I would feel unheard and ignored, so I would try to keep it going, to get my point across, so I would increase the volume. He would continue defending or shut down further. And so on. And we both did it. So we ended with no communication, feeling more and more isolated, invalidated, unheard, hurt and ignored. A recipe for disaster.

To tie this in with what Inside Out brings up about our changes and what if H never does...
In the short time, and to go with DBing principles, my reaction can be different. I can come to the table with no expectations of receiving validation when I bring up an issue with H. Then I won't feel the need to keep it going when I don't get the validation from him. I can drop the issue and avoid conflict.

Yet, is that healthy though? For now it doesn't cause further damage with my H, but would I accept this in a new/improved R? For me it wouldn't work in the long run. If I cannot feel heard and affirmed and understood by my partner, I don't think I can build trust and have a true connection with him...

[labug]

I hope I never stop changing, yes it's sometimes painful but in my IC appt today we talked about how far I've come in 3 years, from being so depressed there were days I barely got out of bed and while I didn't plan suicide,many times I thought death at least would make the pain go away.

I didn't think I could ever change.

But now here I am today, happy, excited about my future, feeling all my emotions but not being controlled by them.

And I look forward to more change.

I don't know that H will ever change, but that's OK, his life, his choices. (right, Ruby?) He's one of the best men I will ever meet, emotionally closed down, yeah but still a very good, decent person.

I will be OK, no better than OK, no matter what my future holds.

I really believe that.