Thank you for your continued support and love. xxx
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I was happy to see that you're pushing away the fear. That's the most important step. Remember you're never alone...you have a Senior Partner always by your side.
And yes, surrendering is the way to go. You've already started surrendering by letting go of the fear.
This evening...Without really planning it, I told H that this does not work for me anymore. We were speaking about parenting, and in my head i just felt so tired of it. There is nothing that can change while he still continues to view me as his adversary. He chooses to live away from the kids. Besides phone calls, what else can be done? This is not the type of father or parenting I want for my children.
He continues to make these choices, no judgement, but they do not work for me and the kids. I told him I feel settled, I am happy and I have made my choices of how I want to live. I said I am done and am letting go.
And right now I feel anger towards him again. For everything that has happened and the father my children do not have, and the shield he has put up that prevents him from being home with them.
So there we are friends.
Sigh....
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Busting, good job telling your H how you feel. Let the anger be. Don't resist it. Any chance you can go for a walk to clear your head, followed by meditation, will help.
He continues to make these choices, no judgement, but they do not work for me and the kids. I told him I feel settled, I am happy and I have made my choices of how I want to live. I said I am done and am letting go.
Wow it is so hard getting to that point. I am happy you are at peace and letting go.
Can you feel it busting?!?!?!
Thats your Mojo coming back---> thats right, I'll bet you have just a little swagger in your walk these days huh??
(((busting)))
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
Tori, thank you. Actually, after that brief chat I had to go into school to hold parent-teacher conferences! lol my mind was quickly occupied with other people's children.
Thankfully after that I did have plans as it was my BFFs bday so a bunch of us went out to dinner. So it helped to take my mind off (as did the few cocktails we had :-) )
I am finding, slowly, that the anger is helping me protect myself. I dont have a desire to hurt H or lash out. I dont have a desire for conflict. I also, however, do not appreciate being treated rudely and while I know it is a reflection of him when he does it, I have for the past two days stated calmly, firmly and one time only (where as before I would nag and fight , etc), that while I do respect his POV, privacy, space and time, there is no reason to be rude with me (this was in response to two incidents where he was curt and dismissive).
I noticed a slight change in his behavior towards me afterwards, for the positive, which is good. Will leave it at that.
Subguy, lol thank you! I did feel a little bada@@ this morning...actually, I felt relieved for saying it. This morning, for the first time since this all started, I actually felt a glimpse of excitement about the future. I was surprised with the feeling.
We are meeting tomorrow to talk about parenting again, I think I will suggest skype calls and if he feels up to it, perhaps some more communication with me about the kids. While he does speak to them its very limited conversations (i.e. hi daddy, we miss you, when are you coming back....yes school was good...). I am not sure what else to suggest at this point.
I have been noticing that S8 seems to regress into toddler mode when H comes back. And S8 only does it with H, not me. I believe this is an indication of S8's unfulfilled needs with H. I am not sure if H notices this too, if I should bring this up with H tomorrow or if it will sound like I am shooting the arrows of guilt and shame.
At school today, one of my students had a stress-related breakdown. Then she alluded to problems at home, and she was beating herself up to hold back the tears. She kept apologizing for her tears and kept saying she needs to get herself together and then she'll be fine. She refused to speak any further as she did not want anyone to 'pity' her. I said she should stop apologizing for her feelings, that showing emotion is strength not weakness, that this needs to be released...
It really highlighted to me how much so many of us are conditioned to 'suck it up' and get on with it. When difficult feelings, sadness or hurt occurs, we are 'supposed' to just move on and 'be strong'. We do not learn about emotional health and healthy release of those emotions, we are conditioned to believe that we are weak if we are hurt and happiness should be a constant feeling. We put on 'happy' faces, so that the world knows we are 'in control' and 'just fine' when in reality there is a continuous build up of resentment, pain, loneliness and eventually, anger. I see how passive-aggressive behavior can develop.
So thats me for now. We'll see what tomorrow brings.
my love to all. xxx
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
"At school today, one of my students had a stress-related breakdown. Then she alluded to problems at home, and she was beating herself up to hold back the tears. She kept apologizing for her tears and kept saying she needs to get herself together and then she'll be fine. She refused to speak any further as she did not want anyone to 'pity' her. I said she should stop apologizing for her feelings, that showing emotion is strength not weakness, that this needs to be released...
It really highlighted to me how much so many of us are conditioned to 'suck it up' and get on with it. When difficult feelings, sadness or hurt occurs, we are 'supposed' to just move on and 'be strong'. We do not learn about emotional health and healthy release of those emotions, we are conditioned to believe that we are weak if we are hurt and happiness should be a constant feeling. We put on 'happy' faces, so that the world knows we are 'in control' and 'just fine' when in reality there is a continuous build up of resentment, pain, loneliness and eventually, anger. I see how passive-aggressive behavior can develop. "
Wow, and so true. This has been revolutionary for me. Just sitting infront of subway today, sobbing in my car instead of holding back and I already feel better. I thought "T, you cried last night, this is ridiculous. Hold it in. Now if I had just gone in the bathroon at work, cried for a minute...bam. Over. I'm grateful I am learning, but dang I hate crying. Ha.
You sound so great, busting!
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
This morning, for the first time since this all started, I actually felt a glimpse of excitement about the future. I was surprised with the feeling.
Awesome ^^^
Awwwww.. thank you sayitaintso!! :-) How are you?
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
just sitting infront of subway today, sobbing in my car instead of holding back and I already feel better. I thought "T, you cried last night, this is ridiculous. Hold it in. Now if I had just gone in the bathroon at work, cried for a minute...bam. Over. I'm grateful I am learning, but dang I hate crying. Ha.
I agree T. When I allow myself to feel the yucky stuff, it is not as remotely crippling as it is to hold it back. I'm not a big fan of the crying either, but it sure does feel good to let it all out and be able to continue my day without the heavy feeling of resentment and anger.
You sound so great, busting!
Thank you Tallula. That means a lot to me. ((((( )))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
