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[needgrace]

love your strength, inside. sometimes i wish i could just sit here quietly with an air of confidence that i am the better choice and carry on a friendship with my X based on that... i have tried at times but honestly have not been able to, i am not sure if that is an area of growth for me or if it is just not ever going to be me.

busting, since i wrote that, i have been struggling a bit. i watched a movie about a guy with PTSD (Adam Sandler) after he lost his family in 9/11. he developed a strong defense of denial which kept him safe but alone. it triggered for me some feelings i had about how i handled things (avoided grieving, cut out family and friends and moved alone cross country) after my parents died within a year of each other and i cried a lot watching the movie, allowing myself to both grieve my parents and have compassion for my younger self.

since watching the movie yesterday and into today, i have missed X a bunch too. i think it is natural to miss our SO when we are feeling and facing pain. those unhealed parts of ourselves can really come up during our sitches and create great pain but also great opportunities for healing. i am hoping that i get through the missing today to get to the healing.