I struggle with this. One of the biggest things that I didnt give my wife during our marriage was emotional love, support, encouragement and physical attention. Right now W seems to enjoy my attention and words, physical attention when she is in the mood. I honestly feel it is building something positive. That said it makes it near impossible for me to detach and very hard not to over do it. So for me it is a fine line. I also feel that if I stop giving her attention in these ways it would be like going back to how I was before, does this make any sense?
Yes it does make sense. I like to think of it as a dance, and I'm letting her lead. When she is receptive, I engage. If she is not, I give her space. I want to be in the picture and allow her to experience the new me, but I don’t want to pursue, or push her away. It’s a fine line indeed.
It helps to remember that no one encounter is going to make or break the marriage, so relax a bit and don’t be too hard on yourself for any setbacks. (or get too excited about any victories!) Be the rock.
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Oh btw I am fighting the statement about physical separation and letting that get me down, my heart sunk when I read it.
There's always hope. Marriages survive separation every day. Don't let this or anything else allow you to give up or stray off course.
My first coach (non-DB) had a saying that stuck with me. Consult your plan, not your feelings. We all feel like crap about our sitch at times. But we can’t allow those feelings (which are temporary) to affect our steadfastness at sticking to our plan.
Our W’s are watching us. Be the H you know she would never leave, and be proud of yourself for that.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
sorry JP yes you are confusing me very badly by hijacking threads. Stay to the course man.
Grizz Bond once said to me "you allow yourself to walk on eggshells" "go live life"
I use to worry every word that came out of my mouth or every action I did would effect the outcome of my M. Terrible way to live life. It wasn't until I put on a spreadsheet my future life with my kids and without her I started to change the dynamics of the marriage. This is when I told her I wasn't moving out. I built a hockey rink. I went to acoa. I booked a trip to EE in Philly. I fired yet another retard counselor telling me to D my W. (fyi, 5 counselors fired, they are useless unless they are truly solution or church based)
You allow yourself to walk on eggshells. YOU dictate this not her
Detaching is a bit(h when you are living together and sleeping together. PON, I promise I am listening to you about not worrying about my W. I actually feel I have gotten better at this but obviously I have a long way to go. I am away from her 10 times more than prior to BD. I am giving her space. okay so you are doing some DB stuff here^^^
Just recently though she has been much happier and she wants to talk more. She totally initiated ML 2 nights ago. I was asleep when she came to bed. She changes clothes in front of me. She didnt do this for the longest time post BD. I still think my W is hotter than he//. It still gets me going to see her like that.
to me, this^^ means your DBing was WORKING...what am I missing? I say all of this just to try to point out what I am fighting against to try to detach. ????
I do try to avoid her changing clothes but at times we are talking when she starts to change and it would just be rude to walk out.
FY, you are correct. What else am I going to do? The other options do not appeal to me at all.
why not GAL, and keep doing what seems to help?
ps
I really mean it about GAL. You sound way too dependent on her and GAL helps...for real.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25,thanks for the response. You say to keep doing what seems to help. My problem is that I am not sure anything is helping. Her anger is gone which is different however she still does not show any type of attraction/love towards me. Some will say that she still wants to ML so that is something. However, as I have said before, I think I should just call it sex instead of ML because that is all it seems like to her.
Since you asked the question about GAL, I guess that means to not ask W to go to the game with me. I should ask a friend.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
25,thanks for the response. You say to keep doing what seems to help. My problem is that I am not sure anything is helping.
Remember, it's all about baby steps. I'm over 9 months since BD and I STILL have to remind myself not to look for any giant moves on W's part. W came by last night and sat on the couch and chatted a while. Seems insignicant, but it is in fact a baby step after months and months of W not sitting down in my house at all.
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however she still does not show any type of attraction/love towards me.
Things seem to progress much more slowly in cases where the WAS remains at home. It takes 6+ months of separation before a WAS can start showing interest again, but when there's no S it seems like it takes much longer than that. They just never learn to miss you when they stay home.
It would be much harder to detach when sex is involved. It will play with your emotions much more than if she was mean and angry like most of us here are being treated.
I was tempted to do a temperature check but after reading this thread i think im going to pass...
The GAL is challenging because most of your previous focus was with your family and to spend less time with them is hard. It do make you appreciated the kids more when you see them again.
H 37 WAW 32 S 4 (Autistic) S 2 Together 11 years Married 6 Bombshell Dec 1 2012 House sold, flying solo June 1 2013.
DONT Temp check!... I know its hard... patience... Put a star on the calendar instead for your good efforts up until now. I was tempted last night to "initiate", and the support in this group talked me out of it... THANK GAWD!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
