I'm a little confused after phone coaching session

[reb9597]

Whatever HIS issues are, the problem with counselling in your recent past, is that you stormed out. Don't mix that up with your past.

I know that's going to be a challenge for me but I can do it. I did apologize in my letter to him for storming out. It's been a long road but I think I needed this time to grow and learn. I couldn't have done any differently then because my feelings were too raw. I've learned a lot since then on how not to be at the mercy of my feelings. It's a daily challenge but awareness has really helped my everyday life.

what's the REAL goal? I know what you SAID...but isn't your real goal, at a minimum, to show him that you are not controlling or obsessing and that you are capable of letting go of the past? That YOU have changed...

So what do you think that requires, at a minimum?

In many ways it seems to me that letting go of the past is the ultimate goal. That seems like the biggest hurdle for me to get over. But if we can let go of the past we could at least have a comfortable R in the future, together or not. Any progress will require, at a minimum, for me to control my emotions and anger. Be an actor, not a reactor.

I think the MOST you can accomplish with counselling is the latter goal, of demonstrating that you can hear things you don't want to hear and NOT lose your sh1t.

And you probably should expect to hear things you don't want to hear (Unless you spend the time talking about your h.)

I lost my cool with our last attempt at counseling because it was the same week I found out about OW and there were a lot of horrible emotions during that time. And because I was consumed with reactions and anger. But the catalyst was our terrible counselor. We met one time and at the end of that session she looked at me, then looked at him, then looked at me again and said "he's done! he's done!". I don't think she was pro-marriage (I didn't know to ask these kinds of questions before making an appointment). She asked him nothing about his commitment or was he willing to take a break to work on things. I don't know that things could have gone any other way and the time has been a blessing to me personally. But I think it's aided in my H's disconnection and the time he lost with his kids (his choice) is sad.

But yeah, I'm reading Hold Me Tight now (ouch!) and am eager to hear any expression, even anger. It will be tough but I think I'm prepared - no expectations, be curious & not pushy.

Reb...I'm glad you are making progress in this^^^....but so you know, a lot of this is stuff I have never thought of. So yeah, it's a little extreme

This made me laugh a little! You're probably right, but these are just the LEGAL things I think about! There's another level of nasty I can't even admit out loud. I can't be the only scorned woman to have spy/revenge fantasies? But yes, it takes concentration away from myself and is unhealthy. I get it.

u're not checking BECAUSE he's not posting as often...

Now it's a puzzle piece I can't figure out, that's all.

how is that different than before?

This made me think of something what I never admitted or even thought twice about! H's posted on this site since 2010. A lot. And I've looked at his posts since 2010. He didn't used to mind. It made me feel closer to him because he was gone all the time. In the early days, we'd joke about the stuff on there. I don't think he cared or maybe he didn't even care enough to know I was reading it or not. I didn't want to be a registered user, but sometimes there was funny stuff on there and like I said, I was alone in our R a lot.

Then he changed his username for whatever reason (starting to disconnect probably) quite awhile ago but I still read it & I doubt he ever knew that. He never tried to hide his site viewing, the password was (and still is) saved on my computer. He was one of those - always walk away from the computer with the screen left up - people. There was also a lot of offensive material on there that I was outspokenly critical of so he probably didn't think I'd continue viewing. Not an excuse, but it's just not that far off for me to continue looking. It took a dangerous turn when it turned into me gathering intel on H. But not going the extra steps to pursue active spying is a big step for me. I know, sounds like I'm justifying. I'm getting there...

Finish this sentence please: "As long as I don't ask about the dealbreakers, I can act as if......as if what?" Act as if they are not happening? As if they are not dealbreakrs?

As if there is still hope?

There may be hope left (I think there is) but the maneuvering you are doing will risk you the most.

Ding ding ding! It's the hope. If I don't ask about the dealbreakers I can still have hope. Better yet, if I find out about the deabreakers before having to ask him directly, I can guard my heart and let go of hope without having to be hurt directly by him again. This explains my snooping. I don't want to give up hope yet. But I also don't want to be a fool and keep hope where there is none.

How do we deal with this? I know MWD says believe in miracles and never let go of hope. But it's really defeating! And if I'm worried about being a fool, I still have a lot of pride wrapped up in the M. Admitting failure has always been hard for me. And in that regard it feels like I've come SO FAR. Far enough for him to see positive changes and the fact that I like myself much better this way. But still a long ways to go.

You'll still want counselling with him, you'll still hope for change from HIM, and so...why snoop?

I mean as of NOW, even if he's still drinking, and still seeing OW, so what?
What would that change?

And if you learned that he was sober and NOT seeing OW, but did not want to come home, what would change? Again, why snoop? (Please don't say "just curious"...)

I'm wishy-washy on this. I can honestly say that I don't want a R with him as he was when he left. But I don't know what I would do in scenario A, B or C. I know I'd like to say I'm done, but that's related to pride and feels like a reaction. So more working on myself until I feel equipped to make a decision.

All of this really pushes my buttons in a negative way. I think it has a lot to do with pride/humility. I get the 'do you want to be right, or do you want your marriage'. I'm trying to dismantle the pride and rebuild myself without needing his approval or input in any way. But it still hurts! And makes me question all interactions.

Case in point, had Mud Run yesterday. H had plans with D15 but cancelled when he got to house to pick her up because he was sick. He texted later in day about plans for kids at end of week and I replied and asked how he was feeling. No answer. And no 'how was your run?'. Which is fine - he doesn't want that type of R right now, but it just hurts & feels off because the friendship is really one sided. Then that leads to him implying he doesn't want help with lawn furniture etc... I'm just going to step way back for now. It's my only safety for now. My expectations are getting the best of me this week.

Yep, concentrating on myself again. I've learned a lot recently and it only highlights the amount of work - by both of us - that would be needed for a healthy R. Maybe I'm more cautious after learning all this than I was before. It's nice to think that shared history and love will get your through the hard times but I have a much more realistic perspective on that now. Or today, anyways... kind of feel pessimistic today I guess.

I appreciate your feedback 25. Azguy, I'm grateful for the book recommendation. It's another powerful book. Thank you