Shes the one confused

[ericmsant2]

Peter

Man I feel ya bro. I think I know what you are going through as I too have a batchit crazy XW, who thinks of no one but herself. That said, I think AJ and MrBond have given you a few good points.

you don't have to be fine with the behavior

I agree 100%....that said…you do need to ACCEPT that you are not going to control her, get her to change, get her to be a better parent, get her to co parent, etc. UNTIL SHE WANTS TO, which may or may not ever happen.

At some point, you do need to be ok with her doing things her way even if you disagree.

I agree on some level to this. I would add that at the end of the day….pick and choose your battles. Leaving the kids home alone for 12 hours is one thing….letting them stay up an hour past bed time is another.

I get that she is fighting for her well being in any way she can. I also see how that fighting impacts so many people around her

“get” and “acceptance” are two different things. It appears that you get that she is the way she is…but have you really accepted it? Accepted that at the end of the day you can only do so much to protect the kids. The acceptance for me was something I had to work on and still do on some days. I had to finally accept that she is the way she is, that the kids will have no choice but to deal with her craziness. I can’t tell you how many times, they complain to me about it and although it hurts like hell sometime….I just say…”you have to talk to your mother about that”. I am not ignoring my responsibility nor am I not compassionate about how the kids are feeling or how tough it is for them to deal with my x sometimes. No…what I believe I am showing them is 1) how to learn to stick up for themselves, 2) how to deal with difficult (or in my x’s case..batchit crazy)…I am teaching them some important life lessons.

So Peter…as hard as it is…try to accept that your not going to make her a better parent. Accept that her way of parenting is NOW different. Accept that as f*cked up as it is…you can’t save your kids for all of the hardache and pain that is divorce. It ain’t easy bro…so be patient with yourself.

But to a certain extent reguarding the kids well being

“well being”….is something that you are her are probably at odds with. Your definition of well being is different than hers. ACCEPT that. Plan for the worse and HOPE for the best. That is all you can do. What I try to do is put things in perspective. Are my kids safe? I would say Yes. So my definition of well being has changed. When they are with their mother as long as they are safe is all that really matter, since I can’t FIX crazy nor can I get her or anyone else for that matter to see something that 1) they do not want to see or 2) are incapable of seeing. So Peter…are the kids physically safe? If they are not, then YOU need to do something about it and do it now.

“Problem is theres new stuff popping up all the time. I worry for my kids. Letting go is difficult when you are constantly presented with change."

Ohh…I get it dude. Same here. The worrying is not going to change until you accept that it is what it is and that worrying is not going to change a thing. Letting go is difficult buddy..especially when you see the face on your kids, the disappointment. It [censored] big time… All you can do though is SHOW them through YOUR ACTIONS when they are with you that you are there for them. In time they will come to realize that and will come to you for advice, help, etc. As for change…dude, life changes – what you have to do IMO, is 1) minimize the changes as much as possible and 2) rather than fight embrace the change. Let me expand…. As for minimizing the changes, lets say your xw is one that treats you like you are a baby sitter and has no consideration for your time. What I have learned to do is 1) SAY NO sometimes or 2) accept the change in schedule WHEN IT WORKS FOR ME and the kids. As for embracing the change…..stop getting upset everytime she does something to piss you off. Embrace that she is going to do it and then plan accordingly for it.

But I dont show her any emotions. She is the one projecting and spewing anger at me

I would disagree that you do not show her any emotion. I suspect that you do…albeit it by your actions. Let go of the anger and just be you. IMO, that means not being there for her. That means only being there for the KIDS WHEN AND IF AND HOW YOU CAN. As for her spewing….stop expecting her to be different and if need be…try telling her to go F herself.

The children are the most important for me. I spend all my time and money to counteract her behaviour.

They should be important to YOU but so should YOU. You matter too Peter. Are you taking time for YOU…time to be Peter OR are you consumed with trying to FIX and COUNTERACT her craziness? I can tell you that you are not going to be able to COUNTERACT everything she does. If you keep trying you get more and more frustrated and angry.

To make decisions along the way that I wont regret in the future

Dude…your gonna make mistakes. It’s gonna happen and IMO, you will make mistakes that you REGRET in the future. It is a part of life. All you can do is the best you can do, while understanding that YOU are NOT nor EVER GONNA be PERFECT.

Pete, divorce with kids is tough. It really does take a lot of energy. Look up parallel parenting accept that for now and maybe forever you will not be able to coparent. Hoepfully you will but if not, you will not be disappointed.

So can you tell me a little more about some of the issues that are going on?