Less lonely, not scared..low on patience

[JBolt]

Hi T2, thanks to you and TVS for responding. I'm doing fine.

In all honesty, I'm starting to get a little angry. I have listened to W rant on the phone one to many times I think. My thinking is shifting to, "Well, if I'm not good enough for that crazy &^%$%!, then that's her problem." Someone on the boards has a standard response to folks who hear from WAS wanting to "work on the marriage". It's about really committing, transparency, stuff like that. I don't know if it is AS or Snod or who, but I'm looking for it. I don't think we are anywhere near that, but I want to review it.

At this point, her conception of what our marriage was is so f'd up, I'm not planning on talking about it with her at all. I will be busy and scarce, far less willing to chat than previously. I don't think I mentioned it previously, but I called W the night after our mediation a few weeks ago. I was kind of starting my spiral down and I didn't think I had anything to lose, so I asked her point blank about many of the more crazy things she has said to me. I also told her I will not own all this anger and resentment, it is coming from within her. Anyway, I think some of that may have set in somehow. I don't know. All I know is that at this moment, I'm sick of it.

She told me about her job interview the other day. While discussing it, she said she got a lot of help with her resume from a older co-worker and her husband, and a couple of other people. She rattled off their names like I know who any of these people are (a common family trait BTW, I can't tell you how many times her other family members have done this at reunions and such, we used to giggle at how bizarre it was). I've been out of her life for essentially 5.5 months. I felt a twinge of resentment about this, that she had these relationships that I am totally ignorant of. One of the reasons she was excited about the new job was the opportunity to meet people. I don't want her to be a recluse or anything, but it still hurt a little. Her having colleagues that I didn't know never bothered me in the slightest before, I suppose its because I don't trust her anymore. AND, I guess that's what's really bothering me now. Trust is broken.

T^2, I know you and TVS and everyone else on this board have felt exactly what I am right now. I also know that many of you have been through and had to stomach a h@ll of a lot more than I have up to this point, so I'll quit bellyaching. Hope all are doing well!
J.