No reaction, that is, she did not move away or anything like that. I have made it a point to move more confidently into her personal space now also, project physical confidence.
Point taken on journaling - thx.
Okay - on home, I want to keep it for at least 1 more year. I think staying here gives me an edge in reconciliation, maybe, and continuity for all. She can still move out.
On the other hand, what I want and reality are not always the same, so I will call the realtor and get the scoop on whether doing the facade is worth it or not.
What do you think of the 10 day trip compromise? Advantage - she feels like she has control (she used to complain that I did all the vacation arranging) and she will travel with us, without weird who gets the kids on what day stuff.
DB coaching in 1:45 - any suggestions?
Thanks,
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
A smart man I used to listen to used to say all the time, don't love anything that can't love you back. If your W leaves and D goes mainly with her, and S is already an adult in college, buying the house may be an emotional decision that has lasting financial repercussions and doesn't make you happy. When you consider your options, try to include selling the house and getting a completely fresh start.
Splitting the renovation costs over two years to get the incentive money does make a lot of sense though.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Wow, that was not clear. The thing that can't love you back is the HOUSE. Don't fall in love with the HOUSE.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I spoke to a realtor friend. A facade renovation does not increase the value of the house more than it costs, and we will likely lose money in doing so. It does make it easier to sell, though.
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Journaling: decided to take initiative and tell wife result of realtor talk, before she asks (this would have been the old way). She didn't like the result (renovation is not worth it financially), but she did like the idea of the house being easier to sell. The next logical question is then how easy is it to sell the house as is, i.e. not renovated, vs. renovated. How much time reduction are you buying with the money you lose? I'd rather take a longer time and make more money, if I were selling.
Also said I liked her 10 day US trip idea - Chuck at my DBing call today thought this was good, as it is win-win solution, plus we can then discuss together where we will go, creating more communication. Her reaction was positive to this.
Chuck also said I need to work on empathy and engaging her more when sore points come up. For example, if she complains about that she did most of the work on the house, I should say "you're right, that is an awful lot work. I'd be irritated too if that happened to me".
Chuck also thought laughter was good -
He then warned me to expect tests on her part, as my changes become apparent, and to be prepared for these. The moody or crabby state, for instance, could be counteracted with the earlier suggestion of "I don't need this attitude" and walking out, done several times and observing the result.
Now W is upstairs, and so my immediate opportunity to stay engaged and seem stronger to her is limited. Funny how there is a window of time when you can DB and other times when you cannot, at least not to your spouse. I guess this is when to GAL, read up more on DBing and plan.
D just came by to tell me that she and I will be buying a set of nice tea cups for W's birthday.
Enough for one day -
L
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
I'm very glad you're working with a DB coach and have started to take some action -- good for you Luke! I think the more you practice the more you will realize there is nothing to fear
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Thanks. Yes, the DB coaching yesterday was good. There are some small signs that things are improving: W gets up early and comes to kitchen, next to the guest room where I sleep. Following Chuck's advice to engage, I said she doesn't need to be quiet as I am awake (it is 5am), and so we can communicate if she wants. She brings me tea (where the worst case is no tea and no talk, just hard ice) and we chat a little. Earlier I might have stayed quiet, and so produced no result, but today a bit of flow occurred.
We'll have another talk, I am sure, on the renovation front, where my position is that it does not make financial sense. If we were/are staying, then it might - we could enjoy a finished house, finally, after 12 years of renovation. An EE grad recommended "power of a positive NO" to me, so I will be reading that in preparation to our discussion. Having Kindle on my pc makes getting these books so much faster!
Also, I forgot, I have found another IC yesterday, who I'll see just before leaving for the US in April. I look forward to that.
W at theater with her humanities students and S today, so coming home later than usual. D coming home early, so I'll take her to pick up the car.
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
"The Power of a Positive No" book is very interesting, as it builds on mutual respect. In the context of the house renovation, for instance,
it validates (the first Yes) my W's concerns:
o "i understand your concern about wanting a house that can be sold and I would also like to see how great it can look when it is finally finished" (her concerns are validated)
o "but the realtor told us that it will not pay for itself and that with the location it has, can be sold in any case, so I don't want to pay for renovation" (the No)
o "let's work on other ways to increase the value. There is more paint scraping that I could do for instance, on the doors, if you then could paint them. I could re-oil the deck, etc. and so we both don't lose money by renovating but still increase curb appeal".
It also made me realize that I had not respected my wife - the most basic thing I need to do! - by not listening, taking up her feelings, and responding. Empathy for her situation (she is a teacher, but without the degree for it, and so could be let go if someone with a degree comes along) might well be worth showing - she must be worried - by my asking about what she thinks will happen in the fall.
I can recommend "The Power of a Positive No" book. It is available on Kindle for those so inclined.
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
