Looking for a little advice and support

[cbtdad]

So yesterday the W and I went to my cousins house,that we're also good friends with, to see their new baby. I picked her and son up around 1030 and didnt get back home till 9pm. Its an hour drive so I knew there would be a lot of time paid attention not to bring any R talk up and not too really bring any conversation up and let her dictate things. On the way there things were pretty quiet. Just a little chit chat. We spent about 8 hours at cousins house and I made sure I gave her space. One intersesting thing that happened while we were there is that we were riding around neighborhood with our son on a ATV and I showed her the house across the street that my Aunt wants us to buy. I joked with W and said maybe now isnt a good time. LOL
she said, that house is a little too close for comfort, however this one over here might good for us. Hmmmm.. I didnt say anything just laughed. Yesterday was a kind of therapy or couseling that you cant buy. It was my cousin, his wife, the two of us and my aunt and unlce. My Aunt and Uncle separted in the earlier 90's for 8 months and now they are one of the happiest couples you will ever see. Also my cousin and his wife never separated, but they definitely went through some tough times and my cousin really turned things around and became a better man and father and now they are doing great. So us being in the enviroment and her getting to see the family interaction and happiness I think really helps things out. Now on to the drive home.
Son fell asleep almost immediately when we got in car. So she began talking about her trip to Florida and how everything went and I just listened and reaffirmed things she said. At some point and I really don't remember how it came about, but she said something to effect of maybe an epiphany would hit her on the head and she would do what she needs to do. I just let her go from there and she began talking about me being alone with our S all week and asked how did that go. I told her we had a great time, but it was hard to juggle work and being a parent at the same time. I told her I respect working single parents out there big time now. I asked her which one she thought was easier and her response was I definitely think being married is a lot easier raising children, but we shouldnt stay married just because its easier. I said, "I totally agree. You don't stay married just for the sake of the children, but I believe you do try everything to make it work for the sake of the children"
So that got her talking. She said she was really happy with the way things are right now. She began to say that she worries that will get upset because her trying is different than mine. She said the first couple of months her trying was just giving me time. She couldnt talk about anything becuase "I wanted to just stab you in the face. I was so angry about everything"
I told her I understand, thats why I was fustrated at first because she said she wanted to try, but wasnt doing anything. But when she told me Superbowl SUnday that she just wasnt ready then that made a whole lot more sense. I told her that I was in no rush to when she wanted to work on things. She began saying that she sees a lot of poistive changes in me. She said the first month or so she thought it was totally about me just getting her back. I validated that comment and told her I could understand why she would think that. She then referred back to our one couseling session that we had and that she told the the counselor it would be 6-8 monthe before she could even BEGIN TO BELIEVE the changes could be real. Not 6-8 months before she believed them. She made that very clear. She said her concern is that I would do everything for that time period no matter what just to "win"
She said she thinks even if she said a year and a half that I would do everything I could during that time, but that it would be just to win. Her concern is that after a year or 2 back together that I would just revert to old ways once "I got her back" I just told her I understand why she would feel that way, but that I was working on becoming a better man and father regardless of what happens with us. She then said something very interesting. She said that she would rather things continue the way they are for 1-2 years than to just rush back into things and then have them fall apart all over again. SHe could not handle that. One thing she did say that really caught my attention as well was that even though she worries about me changing just to get her back she does believe and have hope otherwise she would just be moving on with her life.
Overall it was such a positive conversation and I learned so much about where she was and what her thoughts were at the moment. It really is all about time and changing to become a better person. The bottom line is she wants things to work, but she just doesnt trust that things are comletely different yet and that is going to take time.
It is very frustrating on my end because I want start going to a counselor now and work on things, but she just isnt ready for that. I want to hang out with her more and do things to show her, but she just isnt there yet.
This is really teaching me patience!!