Heart of the Matter

[labug]

Thanks, Ruby.

Yes, that was a part of it definitely. But it's also that he doesn't initiate communication with me about anything. He responds if I ask a question or bring up an issue but otherwise, he's out of here.

And that carries over into not letting me know he's coming to my house at 8:15 in the morning.

And so when you have someone who crosses boundaries, you must reassert boundaries.

Really the part I was unhappy with was that I was in the emotion of the moment and probably could have been more effective had I waited until the rush was over. I'm working on that.

In thinking more about the interaction I also figured something else out. As I said earlier, our pattern had been I would bring up some problem, he would shut down, I would continue to "nag" and he would further shut down...Why did I continue when I could see he was shutting down?

With this event on Sat, I wanted to continue until he gave me something and I've just discovered what that is, validation.

Had he said to me, "I'm really sorry, I wasn't thinking. I'll call next time," it would have been so much better. Instead by his responding with "I didn't think it was a big deal," that sent the message that, again I was making a big deal about something that was completely unimportant to him, therefore it didn't matter.

There were many times in the past that he might be nodding his head in agreement but I knew he was going to do what he d@mn-well pleased. He was just agreeing with me to get me to stop.

I'm not writing about this to change him but to understand what goes on in these conversations and to highlight the importance of validating the needs of others and not just giving it lip-service. I've always wondered why I felt so crappy after these "discussions" with H and now I know, he never validated that he saw my side of things. He might have gone along with what I wanted but not because he thought I had a valid point. And if he disagreed he could have said, "I see what your saying and understand your concerns. Let me explain how I see it..."

Instead he just carried around a big ol' bag-o-trouble until it got too heavy.

I really need to change this within me because these "opportunities for growth" keep popping up.

This is from the Keb'Mo' song, Suitcase:

I got a suitcase, I take it everywhere I go
I got a suitcase baby, I take it everywhere I go
It's just a big old bag of trouble, trouble all I know

I met a girl, fell in love
And our love was true
I met a girl, fell in love
Ooh, our love was true

Well and I found out, Lord she had a big old suitcase too
Lord, so we put our bags together, made a home for two
People we put our bags together, you know made a home for two
Then along came the children, gave them all a suitcase too

Well the house got too small, the bags got too big
We was holdin'on to everythin', whatever said or did
Well I complained about the salt, in the black eyed peas
Then she put her hand on her hip and she told me to leave
And take my suitcase, and get on out that door
You gonna hear from my lawyer, I can't take it no more