DBing, European style

[Papa4Life]

So, I have been processing the events of the last few days and I really think that I need to set some effective goals. I read through some of the posts over at the workshops thread and I think I'm starting to understand how to effectively put together some doable goals. My 180s seem to have made an impression with W so maybe I can start focussing on some goals.

1) i will make my wife feel comfortable and at ease talking with me with NO R talk and without feeling pressured.

Many times over the past few weeks, W and I have agreed to work on the finances and household administration together, but when the time comes, she will be involved in something else such as preparing for a meeting at work and I don't want to push the issue by asking her to join me. The most open she has been with me was last Thurs./Fri. when she told me she wanted a D and that nothing had changed. She says she wants to be friends and that she does not want an emotional R with me. Maybe aiming for friendship is a good goal....for now.

2) W will invite me to an activity with just the two of us.

This one is a long shot at this point and I suppose hinges upon the success of #1. Perhaps if we can become comfortable by developing a friendly relationship then it will be easier for her to spend time together.

3) W will invite me to spend her Bday with her and the kids and go on vacation together.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, there have been times when W invited me to an activity with the kids and her family, we had a great time, only to have her turn around and say that perhaps I shouldn't have come because she didn't want to give people the impression that things were okay. I am inclined to just decline to do anything together, just to give her space and not feel like a fifth wheel. But if she asks, I think maybe I should go, just to make it clear that it's what I want. Confusing.

I suppose I'll have to sharpen these and maybe add some more. I think it's important to start working on this, because she's already talking about making suggestions for the situation leading up to and after D. Oh, wait! I just thought of something:

4) Wife will initiate contact to work on finances/planning or for informal convo.

This seems like a good point to work on. Therapist urged me NEVER to ask how she's feeling (meaning R talk, or asking for feedback). I NEVER ask her questions anymore (which has also led to my no-pressure approach when it comes to working on projects). And I always end convos first. I have, however, pointed out several times recently that I still wanted to reconcile, but then again, I also pointed out that I am moving on with my life, with or without her, and that seemed to close her down a bit. So, based on MWD's advice, I'm not going to do that anymore because it's counterproductive.

Wish I could do phone coaching, but it's just soo beyond our budget right now. Maybe I can save up for the next couple of months...