Hello again mr. Bond and thanks for your in depth response. I want to go more in depth with what i wrote.

I have talked to my husband about his job issues and how i dont like his parents giving him money all the time (before his depression) but he kind of ignored my point of view and said " you shouldnt complain about something that is free." Is fine if its given as a gift for a birthday or holiday but i dont think its right for a 30 year old man to be accepting money from his parents especially if he is capable of getting in on his own. I have explained this to him. He said that he doesnt want to work a full time job and be like normal people. Well...one of us has to be a full timer or else the bills dont get paid. It me btw.

During the D bomb drop, H told me that i hurt his self esteem. He says i am too critical of him but did not elaborate on how. He said he doesnt like me talking to my friends or family about us, he doesnt like the way i do dishes, im grumpy, im selfish, he hates my religion. He says i called him a looser. Said that he never loved me and that i forced him into marriage. We dont have children thankfully.

I will say right here i NEVER called my H a looser. I have criticized his work ethics and called him lazy but never called him a looser.

He does not have a career, he works part time, i see him looking at job posting from time to time but he always has an excuse for why he cant apply.

Is also possible there was or is a OW, right now i dont think there is however the weeks prior to him dropping the D on me i complained to him about being overly friendly with a girlfriend of mine whom he had spent alone time with a few times. This friend however is not interested in him so if there was something it was one sided.

And now to switch this around to me:
I know my faults and which of his complaints are true or made up. I am very commanding (i chalk that up to years in military and coming from a military family) and i am very black and white on most everything, I am not patient, i get angry easily, i get stressed easily. I dont take good care of my health ( i am by no means overweight but since coming to japan my health took a turn for the worst)

Things about me which are neither good nor bad: i like to go out one day every week for R and R, i like to spend money but if i have a goal i can save money real well too, once i focus on something its hard to break my focus and i will do it until its completed. I always need to set goals or have something achievable in my future to feel productive.

If i ask my husband to please critique me he says " i already told you what i dont like." And wont say more. I only know what he told me during the d bomb.

I once, many months ago, asked him to please write down a list of things he doesnt like about me and he said " no, im finished with you."

So should i keep doing 180s based on what he initially said he didnt like during his breakdown or do i try something new?

Im not going to touch him if he is giving me the wrong signals, that just doesnt seem right.