But IF you decide to send the letter, you need to be able to back it up with actions. And just not the ones you are willing to take. The ones that make you want to kick and scream. The ones that hold so much fear - they take your breath away
IMO - that's where you need to start. Words are great - but it will be the actions that determine everything.
And based on what is happening in your sitch - you are having plenty of opportunities to "act" differently. To act in a way that says you are sorry without saying it.
Do I think you are sorry - yes. Do I think you can send the letter without expectation - No.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
well outcome of this weekend was less than ideal...
Backtracking now...I started off so well. I decided no letter, maybe a simple general verbal apology if the moment was right. Saturday he arrived 1/2 late, calling at 1pm to tell me he would be late...that is calling when he was to be here...this has been a typically thing for him to do...in the past I would have let him have it for being late home, I have asked him several times to call me as soon as he knows he will be late so that I can better plan. He has only done this once...I am dropping it
I sounded happy and unbeat and did not make him feel bad...it was not that big of a deal him being late I was not doing anything.
So he arrived I was in good mood, we discussed what time to be to the home the next day for me, decided he would take S from hom from 12pm til 6pm when my party was done. I started to lose it seeing him looking so good on the floor playing with S, it was too hard and I said quick goodbyes and left.
Friday was his birthday, I sent him a message telling him HB and that I did not need to speak with him about emotions that weekend, I wanted him to be able to have as much time with S as possible and this was my need coming before S's.
So on Saturday two hours after I left I get text from H, "I didn't want to wait to hear what you have to say, but you rushed out of here. I don;t want it to linger anymore. You need to tell me in the morning. So come early to get what you need to said. I will leave with S around 11 or 11:30 so give enough time before that to say what you need to"
So I called him as I do not text and the phone I have is pretty low grade...I told him I would like to talk but would like to talk without S being there. Also said it is hard to know there is a timeframe and asked if we could speak that night. H agreed gave me two hours, came to mother's house and dropped off S then we both went back to home.
So I started with telling him the I am sorry and wrong statement that I had planned. H told me he had thought about me saying I was sorry and that he never really thinks I have ever said I was sorry in the past. He feels very 'wronged' in our marriage. The discussion went from there, bad idea...I should have stopped myself sooooooo many times...stopped it, shut my mouth, tried to maintain!!! I am so mad with myself, but I can't change it it is out there out to the universe and am thinking it is all done now.
H did asked me if I always felt that he put his job before me to which I broke down and said yes, I eventually during the 7 hour conversation (which went so quick) told him that I hated his job, always have that every time I had a discussion with him about how he was always gone with his job and the stress that put on me he would say he was going to do all of these things to change the situation and when there were No results, and I mean there were never any results...it would let me down a little more each time and each time I would feel he was putting his job ahead of me. His job has been an issue in our marriage for a very long time...and it is not working late nights...it is working all week long, or month long at a site hours away from home, spending the night there...he puts his all into his work, and then there is nothing left for us. He works late and long hours and when he is here he is stressed and tired and is not able to make time for us. I was also very mad about him working these long hours and my love language is quality time and I never felt that he or his job allowed me to feel this love. If we got some time together it was at my suggestion and he was typically tired or not wanting to go and do what I suggested.
We discussed too many things for way too long...he still wants a divorce I do not, I also told him that living three hour away wa not going to allow him to be the father he always wanted to be for S, that S needed him in his life. H said that he had come to terms and was okay with another man reading to his child and tucking him into bed each night...WTH!!! That is soooo bull!!! That is my H trying to hide and run away this man is the most emotional man I know and loves his s sooo much!!! I asked him if he was with some one else or thinking about it to which he said no, but did say that he was not willing to not be with another person because he had gone so long with out feeling loved. I blew it though, H mentioned that he did not know how I could seem so 'all right' with everything, and I felt like he pushed me into losing all control of the me I had tried so hard to be for the last six weeks. Back at square one or even further behind now.
He would not let me into his space, anywhere close to him. He was so mad and angry with me, no love in him, when he told me he felt so 'wronged' I told him I was sorry he felt that way but also knew that he would never forgive me because H does not forgive people who have 'wronged' him.
Discussed going to counseling...he thinks we should have been able to discuss things on our own and work on them...says he tried so many times to make things better to which I said I did not know my needs at the time and I could not tell him what they were. Also said if I had really told him how unhappy his job made me he would not have done anything...said this when he asked why I never told him.
Also said as for him not being truthful with his sister and friend made me think that he was not okay with his behavior because if he was he would be able to tell them things with out worring about reaction.
Told him I do not agreed that S not having both parents together is good for S. Told him that if we were to try to give this a fair chance...which I don't feel we have ever done, then came to the conclusion to walk away okay...
Told h that he is and was my best friend, that I never ment to hurt him, I was protecting myself, that it was not right for me to always be in control and have my needs met first but that was the relationship that was established from the beginning and I see now that that is not ideal and I no longer want that.
H is set on divorce at this time, we discussed that, I know should not have...on Sunday I asked H if I should expect D papers that week to which he told me no...we will see.
H shut down during discussion a lot...I should have stopped...I felt like the lowest of the low, which I told him, he said he did not want to make me feel that way. I said he has made me feel like I take full blame for the state of our marriage...I asked h if there was anything he was at fault for to which he imformed he had thought about it and had not come up with anything. (What did I expect...he was sooooo not ready for this conversation and I knew it...and I did it anyway)
There is so much more that happened in the discussion so many wrong turns...I should have held up and not gone there...should have come here first before deciding what to do!!! AH!!!
So sunday I arrived at home...H seemed sad and depressed...thinking being around S makes him think about things more, that is why he is pushing so far away, moving far away and working more and more hours. As he was leaving he started to lose it breaking down crying at the door. I could not help it I asked him twice if he was okay, told him I never wanted to be in a situation where he had to leave his home. I did it, I attempted to hug him to which he started losing it more and more, telling me not to, to which it stopped. HE took his break to which I told him it was hard not to want to comfort him because he is my husband and my friend. I told H that I hoped it had not ruined his idea of coming to the home for Easter morning and Sat visit. He said no (we will see). He aid good byes to S to which I asked him to think if there was any bit of questioning on his part on whether this was right or not, then to think about it and think about maybe looking at it alittle more.
Man I am embarrassed to even write the things that went on this weekend!!! I don't like being like this and what happened. I just wanted to apologize and leave it at that...I really do feel that I was doing a lot of good things and H was noticing, and he tried to take back the control again and I became my old self. This is the first time we have really discussed the relationship and the issues and the state that it is in. And it did not help...
I think it might be really over now, only hopes are that he has not found a place to live yet though he has the money, and has not filed papers yet and said he still did not intend to the other day...these are hopes...I know I should not have hopes but I do.
Also seems like H is doing a lot of pursuit and distance, he came dressed in some of my favorite close...which I pointed out to him, last time I saw him he had different facial hair, Saturday was back to the way I liked it, he also on Sunday sprayed a lot of cologne downstairs in our house, it was not his typically cologne, when I told him I could smell it he said it was bodywash, to which the shower and the bathroom had none of the smell...he sprayed it down stairs...marking his territory?
Why put up signals?
Well people I have all week to hear about how wrong this was and get back on track!!! Let me have it...I am so weak...I want my H, I want my marriage and I just am destroying any chance more and more!!!
