I often wonder if I am giving her too much time and space as well....it just feels like you lose that connection more and more as the days progress. Although we have an infinte connection with our two kids.
I know the rules state "DETACH" but what is the balance. It feels like I am sitting on the fence of too much or too little all the time. I guess that shows that I am not really "detached".
Sounds like we need some vets to chime in.
Me - 37 W - 37 M -5 T - 15
S=5 S=3
Seperated - 12/12 BD - 20/03/13 Still seperated - no R or M talk yet.
Just re-read your first post and cannot believe how the same my situation is. Its scary. All of your "ME" points are exactly what I was doing and same goes for W.
W and I have been separated for 3 months now. First two were the hardest, we would start talking about stuff and then she would eventually start bringing up the past.."you said this, you did that". It sucked and i had to have so much patience to keep my cool. In retrospect i could have handled it better but I didnt handle it too bad. I jsut tried to listen to her as much as possible and tried politely to end conversation if she was getting too fired up and aggressive.
Ever since the BD ( 2 weeks ago) the abuse has stopped and we are trying to hold it together as much as possible for the kids. I figure the anger has to die off at some point, but not sure how long forgiveness follows after that...if ever.
I am also wondering if there is another person involved...man, i hate thinking about stuff like that.
Moth76, I think you are handling as best as can be expected, you are being proactive and patient. Well done.
i will watch your posts with keen interest.
Me - 37 W - 37 M -5 T - 15
S=5 S=3
Seperated - 12/12 BD - 20/03/13 Still seperated - no R or M talk yet.
Hi moth. It's good that you are not pursuing her, or initiating any Big Relationship Talks. If she brings it up, (like the expecting fireworks thing) then listen and validate her feelings. Don't try to reason with or convince her to see things your way. Never engage in an argument!
The going dark is a Last Resort Technique. Instead, treat your contact level with your W like a dance, where you're letting her lead. If she's receptive, you engage. If she's cool, give her space. I can tell you from experience this works.
Make sure you are making your life one that you enjoy, even without W for now. She'll only come back to a strong man who is confident and loves himself.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Mrbond, yes I have read them and am re-reading DR. I assumed that I got it mixed up just good the hear someone not in my R say it. I am working on staying the course. Hard not to feel confused or conflicted when your W says so many different things. And, well, it's my W so I want to believe what she says.
ForeverYoung, thanks and I have been working on me. Just hit a bit of am emotional wall this last week before the S happens.
Me-36 W-31 M-7 S-5 BD Dec/12- things were wrong for awhile, head was in the sand
Seeking means: to have a goal Finding means: to be free, to be receptive, to have no goal
I am also on moderation so not sure if this will show up for a while. But I feel pretty much the same as you right now.
I find that myself and W can get on very well, to the point of everything feeling normal again. But when this happens W talks constantly about our S and points out things that we need to deal / think about. When I distance myself, she then texts me, does not mention D or S, and seems to be less happy.
So its a strange place to be. Of course my natural response it to talk about things other than R, laugh, & interact because then things are more like how they used to be before our M started going downhill - which feels great! However ,if it pushes W away then its basically a false sense of security.
So like you, it feels like going against everything that feels right is actually making thing worse - but as I understand this is the idea of DB / DR. However, I have read also that every situation needs a different approach - and yours sounds like it may need to be tweaked a little - so would be interested to know others view on that.
Perhaps for you its a case of detaching, but making sure you are there ready for W when she needs emotional support. So essentially you are showing that you are not needy and desperate, but strong enough to look after yourself and W when she needs you?
Sorry, I know what I have said will not help you, and I am in no position to be giving advice right now. Certainly do not wish to hijack your thread, but want to let you know that you are not the only one confused at this point.
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
Just updated my sig, but I am 36 W is 31. I started going through the love languages the other day. But have paused on it because I really feel like I should read DR again to screw my head back on. Testing the waters feels more like a horrible strategy game that I cannot win sometimes. Like her talking about reconciliation and we have a nice interaction, then she doesn't say anything to me for days. Trying to remain calm and focused on my actions. But it is definitely emotionally draining.
I can say from experience that trying to detach feels like a game of relationship chicken that the WAS is MUCH better equipped to play.
Hang in there. Figure out what you need to do and stick to your guns...but also be astute enough to know when you need to change things up. I know it sounds contradictory, but that's what it is. For me it helped to develop a strategy or set of behaviors that I'm able to remind myself of so when I feel weak or uncertain or tempted I can quickly get back to being able to do what I need to do.
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Moth, welcome to the forum. Best place to be under the circumstances.
My situation has been going on for awhile but I am only a few months into the DB process. The board and the people here are incredibly helpful......
Detaching is a tough thing to do - food for thought....... if here feeling is that you were emotionally distant then pulling further away may just be perceived as more of the same by her.....
Keep working on you becoming the best person you can be - for you! She will eventually see that.
Keep posting and others will continue to provide comments and support.
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
This is my main dilemma of trying to detach in a helpful way. The last couple of weeks I have felt my positivity improving, because my focus has been on my own self improvement. But my communication skills were a major problem in our R. So now I don't want to avoid talking to her when it occurs without my prodding. The only problem is it have led to arguments sometimes and that I definitely want to avoid. Also that she has perceived some of the distance as me being cold. So after that comment have been working on staying upbeat, smilmg a lot etc. Just not sure where the path is sometimes.
Me-36 W-31 M-7 S-5 BD Dec/12- things were wrong for awhile, head was in the sand
Seeking means: to have a goal Finding means: to be free, to be receptive, to have no goal
For one it is very easy to confuse detachment. Detachment isn't being cold or quiet to your W. It is just having no expectations and not allowing her negative OR her positive behavior effect you emotionally. At least that is what helped me get through my stuff.
I liked FY example about a dance. That is completely it. Let her lead. If she is talking with you and being upbeat join in. If you sense she is being cold give her space and GAL.
You say your communication skills suck. What are you doing about it? If it were me I would go see an expert on communication. I would take a class or just learn body language etc..
What are you doing for your own personal self growth? You need to fix your sandbox and not worry about her's.
Go work on communication. One of the strongest but toughest things to do is effective listening. Validating her feelings (remember her feelings are NEVER wrong, because they are her feelings) so just validate. Doesn't mean you have to agree inside that head of yours. But her feelings are not wrong.
Being able to act and not react will help. She will throw tiny tests at you and you need to pass them
