For some reason I'm struggling to get through DB. Perhaps I expected too much of it or maybe recent events and the tiredness that ensued with it have made it difficult to read.
Well, I messed up again....big time.
Wife went out on Thursday and didn't get back until almost 5 in the morning. I, foolishly, confronted her and not calmly either (I was awake as I find it almost impossible to sleep when she's out) and she admitted sleeping with the guy again but, at the same time, said that she regretted it and told him that she wouldn't see him again. (She kept on calling herself a loser and I just felt like hugging and kissing her to get that idea out of her mind. Probably wise that I didn't attempt it, I guess.)
On Friday we had a long and emotional conversation in which she said that she wasn't with the guy although she wanted to be with him, that she didn't want to be with me but, at the same time, she was scared of being alone, didn't want to leave the house (I was pushing for her to move in with her Mother) and didn't want a divorce.
That day my wife, myself, D12, D10 and S7 went swimming and the W was surprisingly warm towards me but I wasn't in a mood to accept it and was cold towards her. On the drive back she tried, for the first time in ages, to initiate a conversation with me and even lightly touched my thigh on a couple of occasions.
I was so angry and confused. The anger has now subsided and I just feel confused and jumpy. The w has reverted back to being cold, distant and arrogant.
I need a proper job but my self esteem is shattered, once again.
Life is tough and I am just not helping myself. I know the general rules of DBing but I keep on breaking them.
As I say, just venting. I just have to read, read and read again the excellent advice I've been given until it sinks in and stays in.
Me: 42 W: 40 M: 18 T: 20 D13 D10 S7 BD: 8/2012 Still living together
