Shes the one confused

[MrBond]

Ok just to clarify ...

What I mean is that while you have a right to judge her based on your own expectations, you can't say her actions are wrong, BECAUSE they are based on HER expectations. Everyone is entitled to live how they see fit. Your way doesn't carry more or less weight than hers. They are both equal to both of you.

You are D'd so she has a right to do whatever she wants to. You can't control that. Likewise, YOU can do whatever you want to and she can't control what you do either.

"Help me out! What am I not helping with?"

You're not letting go. That's what's causing your resentment and anger.

"We have almost no contact at all. I have no clue as to how she currently sees things because we do not talk to eachother unless its reguarding kids."

Which is how it is for people who have gotten a D. She doesn't need to tell you how she's feeling or what she's doing any more.

"Therefor I have no actions to stop."

That is correct. You also have no right to stop them. It's her life now.

"Preaching would imply me trying to force my point of views onto her. I dont."

In a way you do. By acting angry and resentful it could be one of the reasons why she's stayed away. Just IMHO.

"I come here with my frustrations and im thankful for the advice. I know she doesnt want me and im fine with that."

It doesn't sound like it.

"Im not fine with her behaviour though. Do I have to be?"

No you don't have to be. But that resentment and anger is what's keeping you from moving forward. You're spending so much time looking at what she does or doesn't do, that you're not living YOUR life and enriching your children's lives. If you want them to not follow the same mistakes as your W, you have to counteract how they see her acting.

[PeterP]

Thanks for all your replies!

"you can't say her actions are wrong"

I dont! Not to her. That would be stupid. I get that she is fighting for her well being in any way she can. I also see how that fighting impacts so many people around her. Oh! Shes wrong... But its up to her to figure things out.


"You are D'd so she has a right to do whatever she wants to."

Agree! But to a certain extent reguarding the kids well being.

"You're not letting go. That's what's causing your resentment and anger."

You have a point. . Problem is theres new stuff popping up all the time. I worry for my kids. Letting go is difficult when you are constantly presented with change.

" She doesn't need to tell you how she's feeling or what she's doing any more."

She doesnt!

"By acting angry and resentful it could be one of the reasons why she's stayed away."

You have a good point here. But I dont show her any emotions. She is the one projecting and spewing anger at me. She is the one calling and crying on the phone somethimes. So its not like she stays away. Shes on to OM2 and still searching for whatever she is lost. We have NC bc I cant cope with her crazy. She on the other hand trusts me 100%. Her words. She turns to me bc she does trust me. She wants parts of me still and I help out when I can. I dont think I made her run.

"that you're not living YOUR life and enriching your children's lives. If you want them to not follow the same mistakes as your W, you have to counteract how they see her acting."

This is were your wrong. I do agree with you though. The children are the most important for me. I spend all my time and money to counteract her behaviour. Even ex thinks im the greatest father in the world. Her words.

I do listen to advice. But all advice is based on what I write and writing leaves alot of information out. Im just trying to do the right thing. To make decisions along the way that I wont regret in the future.

[MrBond]

""you can't say her actions are wrong I dont! Not to her. That would be stupid."

I didn't mean OUT LOUD. I mean you have to respect the fact that it's how she chooses to act. You don't need to respect the act itself, but you respect the fact that it is how she has chosen to act.

"I get that she is fighting for her well being in any way she can. I also see how that fighting impacts so many people around her."

In the end it's her that needs to accept the consequences and it doesn't concern you. You are going to argue back that your kids, friends, or whatever, but the fact remains that how she acts is still her business and you have to not let it affect you and not let the affect on your kids affect you.

"Oh! Shes wrong... But its up to her to figure things out."

Acting self righteous doesn't solve anything.

"Agree! But to a certain extent reguarding the kids well being."

You never said that she was abusive to the kids. The kids will be affected, no doubt. However, if she chooses to not reconcile, then you can't do anything else. And that's what's frustrating you.

"Problem is theres new stuff popping up all the time. I worry for my kids. Letting go is difficult when you are constantly presented with change."

I understand that which is why you have to be confidant enough in yourself to adjust to those changes.

"You have a good point here. But I dont show her any emotions. She is the one projecting and spewing anger at me."

You can't stop that. Lay down boundaries if she does that again and tell her that she will not treat you or talk to you in that way and hang up.

"She is the one calling and crying on the phone somethimes. So its not like she stays away. Shes on to OM2 and still searching for whatever she is lost. We have NC bc I cant cope with her crazy."

Because she is lost. It's up to her to find her own path. Doesn't make her necessarily "crazy".

"She on the other hand trusts me 100%. Her words. She turns to me bc she does trust me. She wants parts of me still and I help out when I can."

AGAIN, because this has nothing to do with you despite what she might spew at you. She's lashing out because she's confused. She never acted that way before correct? Then you know there's something wrong.

"I dont think I made her run."

You may not have been the sole reason why she left, but something triggered her and lets fact it, you probably didn't know what made up a good M until this happened.

"This is were your wrong. I do agree with you though. The children are the most important for me. I spend all my time and money to counteract her behaviour. Even ex thinks im the greatest father in the world. Her words.

I don't see where I saw I was wrong.

"I do listen to advice. But all advice is based on what I write and writing leaves alot of information out."

So what's the problem? If you want more detailed answers, give more details.

"Im just trying to do the right thing. To make decisions along the way that I wont regret in the future."

There's nothing wrong with that.

[ericmsant2]

Peter

Man I feel ya bro. I think I know what you are going through as I too have a batchit crazy XW, who thinks of no one but herself. That said, I think AJ and MrBond have given you a few good points.

you don't have to be fine with the behavior

I agree 100%....that said…you do need to ACCEPT that you are not going to control her, get her to change, get her to be a better parent, get her to co parent, etc. UNTIL SHE WANTS TO, which may or may not ever happen.

At some point, you do need to be ok with her doing things her way even if you disagree.

I agree on some level to this. I would add that at the end of the day….pick and choose your battles. Leaving the kids home alone for 12 hours is one thing….letting them stay up an hour past bed time is another.

I get that she is fighting for her well being in any way she can. I also see how that fighting impacts so many people around her

“get” and “acceptance” are two different things. It appears that you get that she is the way she is…but have you really accepted it? Accepted that at the end of the day you can only do so much to protect the kids. The acceptance for me was something I had to work on and still do on some days. I had to finally accept that she is the way she is, that the kids will have no choice but to deal with her craziness. I can’t tell you how many times, they complain to me about it and although it hurts like hell sometime….I just say…”you have to talk to your mother about that”. I am not ignoring my responsibility nor am I not compassionate about how the kids are feeling or how tough it is for them to deal with my x sometimes. No…what I believe I am showing them is 1) how to learn to stick up for themselves, 2) how to deal with difficult (or in my x’s case..batchit crazy)…I am teaching them some important life lessons.

So Peter…as hard as it is…try to accept that your not going to make her a better parent. Accept that her way of parenting is NOW different. Accept that as f*cked up as it is…you can’t save your kids for all of the hardache and pain that is divorce. It ain’t easy bro…so be patient with yourself.

But to a certain extent reguarding the kids well being

“well being”….is something that you are her are probably at odds with. Your definition of well being is different than hers. ACCEPT that. Plan for the worse and HOPE for the best. That is all you can do. What I try to do is put things in perspective. Are my kids safe? I would say Yes. So my definition of well being has changed. When they are with their mother as long as they are safe is all that really matter, since I can’t FIX crazy nor can I get her or anyone else for that matter to see something that 1) they do not want to see or 2) are incapable of seeing. So Peter…are the kids physically safe? If they are not, then YOU need to do something about it and do it now.

“Problem is theres new stuff popping up all the time. I worry for my kids. Letting go is difficult when you are constantly presented with change."

Ohh…I get it dude. Same here. The worrying is not going to change until you accept that it is what it is and that worrying is not going to change a thing. Letting go is difficult buddy..especially when you see the face on your kids, the disappointment. It [censored] big time… All you can do though is SHOW them through YOUR ACTIONS when they are with you that you are there for them. In time they will come to realize that and will come to you for advice, help, etc. As for change…dude, life changes – what you have to do IMO, is 1) minimize the changes as much as possible and 2) rather than fight embrace the change. Let me expand…. As for minimizing the changes, lets say your xw is one that treats you like you are a baby sitter and has no consideration for your time. What I have learned to do is 1) SAY NO sometimes or 2) accept the change in schedule WHEN IT WORKS FOR ME and the kids. As for embracing the change…..stop getting upset everytime she does something to piss you off. Embrace that she is going to do it and then plan accordingly for it.

But I dont show her any emotions. She is the one projecting and spewing anger at me

I would disagree that you do not show her any emotion. I suspect that you do…albeit it by your actions. Let go of the anger and just be you. IMO, that means not being there for her. That means only being there for the KIDS WHEN AND IF AND HOW YOU CAN. As for her spewing….stop expecting her to be different and if need be…try telling her to go F herself.

The children are the most important for me. I spend all my time and money to counteract her behaviour.

They should be important to YOU but so should YOU. You matter too Peter. Are you taking time for YOU…time to be Peter OR are you consumed with trying to FIX and COUNTERACT her craziness? I can tell you that you are not going to be able to COUNTERACT everything she does. If you keep trying you get more and more frustrated and angry.

To make decisions along the way that I wont regret in the future

Dude…your gonna make mistakes. It’s gonna happen and IMO, you will make mistakes that you REGRET in the future. It is a part of life. All you can do is the best you can do, while understanding that YOU are NOT nor EVER GONNA be PERFECT.

Pete, divorce with kids is tough. It really does take a lot of energy. Look up parallel parenting accept that for now and maybe forever you will not be able to coparent. Hoepfully you will but if not, you will not be disappointed.

So can you tell me a little more about some of the issues that are going on?

[PeterP]

I appreciate you spending time on my sitch! Got some advice to think about.

As for whats going on right now...

Had stepson and D over the weekend. Because stepson is starting to open up I get alot of information thats not so good to know for my well being but good for him in reguards to him letting of steam. I also had a conversation with sil this weekend.

Sil has been cut of from ex completely. She met her at a birthday party and they didnt speak at all. She said that ex was kind of quiet the entire party but when she spoke her language was so different to how it used to be. Alot of cursing and energy in her attitude. Remember ex was in a physical fight bc I had met sils family a couple of months ago. That was a big deal for ex. In her twisted mind we have become her enemy.

Stepson loves it here. He says his mom is so angry and frustrated at everythin and everyone all the time. Him as well. He also said that his mom has trouble remembering stuff. Her memory doesnt work like it should and I had to agree with him that I have also noticed it.

She has started to lie to her own mother so that she can take the kids so that she and her younger sister can party. She leaves stepson alone at night so she can meet her new love. When I talked to her this weekend she started crying bc D had a temperature. She is very unstabel. She hasnt told her family about her new bf. I found out when she sent a cute text by mistake to me instead of him. Six weeks ago she ended her relationship with om1 and om2 entered two weeks later. The children are thrown from one potential stepdad to another.

When D spent the first weekend with her mom, brother, om2 and his children she was a mess for three days when I got her. Babytalk, wetting her bed and crying uncontrolably for no apparent reason. Needless to say it was very frustrating. Everything ex does have to happen right now. Theres no taking it slow.

None of this has anything to do with me and I try to focus on the kids as much as I can. Reading your advice on accepting and letting go I can only agree with you. But no matter how much you let go and accept these things still happen and you wouldnt be human if it wouldnt concern you. Just have to turn down how much.

Thanks!

[MrBond]

Let it go.

"The children are thrown from one potential stepdad to another. "

You're overdramatizing it. Let it go.

"She is very unstabel. "

You are not her therapist. Let it go.

" Everything ex does have to happen right now. Theres no taking it slow. "

You're not M'd to her anymore. Let it go.

"In her twisted mind we have become her enemy."

Stop being judgemental. It's none of your business. Period.

[PeterP]

MrBond!

Even though I know the "rules" I had a talk with her today just to check a couple of things you have said!

Happy to say you are right about a couple of things. We both decided to work better toghether reguarding our children. We both agreed that step son ( he was naturally also involved in the decicion) is going to live with me every other week.

So a win win reguardless.

She thinks everything is tough right now. Life. But she still thinks she is ok and she is happy that I am there for the kids.

As for the letting go part... I wish myself good luck!

[ericmsant2]

Peter

As for the letting go part... I wish myself good luck!

Good luck! Once you do....you will feel a lot better.

Eric

[PeterP]

Thanks!

Just a quick update.

Step son broke down and cried the other day. Life with his mother is hard. She has temper tantrums and gets mad at both him and D. He really opened up and Told me alot of things that really is so far from ok. He told me that his mother leaves him alone to go party and once she got so mad at him she didnt speak to him for days. Abuse? Crazy?

I bave booked IC for him without his mothers knowledge. Dont know what else to do right now. Bide my time and hope things will get better doesnt really cut it anymore.

So glad he is opening up though. Hes been hinting stuff for a year but never spoke about it like this before.

One stabel and safe week and one week in chaos. At my wits end.